Posts Tagged ‘youth’


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Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. I won’t even attempt to tell you the history behind this day, I just know there were pilgrims, a bird and some yummy pie; all the things that still matter, even now. I bet they were sitting around a table, passing the feast that they worked so hard on, while telling their loved ones what they loved about them. I don’t think this holiday has changed all that much. I think the only thing that has changed is the fact that their families were really tight and they were actually grateful for things. Also, they probably didn’t have Christmas decorations up, yet. Gosh, what I would do to live back in their time. P.s. If you are the type of person to put up Christmas decorations before thanksgiving, know there is a special place in hell for you!

I know you are with family, so I’ll make this quick. I just wanted to say what I was thankful for this year. There’s so many things I am thankful for, and I plan to tell you guys every one of them. Sit back and enjoy, then tell me what you are grateful for!

Family- Of course, this has to be on the list. I am not only talking about my blood, but also you guys. Thank you for the support and keeping this blog alive. You guys are awesome, so keep doing what you are doing, but also my blood family. I know we don’t talk a lot but know that I do love you. I wouldn’t be me without you guys. I love you Grandma, Dad, Jakki, Jammi, Rikki, and Kenna. All the others that aren’t included know that you rock, also.

Job- I have to be thankful for the multiple jobs that I have. Between maintenance, Subway and construction, I don’t know how I have time. Either way, I am so thankful that I don’t have to sell drugs to buy groceries. I feel for those people. But that doesn’t stop me from being thankful.

Hobbies- We all know that I have a lot of hobbies, also that I like to quit hobbies quickly. But the one hobby that has never gotten old to me is writing. Yeah, I sometimes get burnt out, but I could never fully stop writing. It’s great to talk to myself in Word, but then be able to share those thoughts to you guys. It’s freaking cool!

My church- The situation is finally solved. I have done my time. Something really awesome came from this experience, though. During the lowest of my lowest time, I was able to find my passion for God, again. I was also able to find a home church. I love the people there, I love the atmosphere, and I love that it accepted me in my dirtiest, as one of their own! I am glad to be in this church.

Josh- Thank you for being awesome, josh. You don’t know how much you have changed my life. You have always known what to say in the hardest times. You were there when I needed you the most, and I’m thankful to have you in my life!

Ariel- my wifey! I know I make you mad, and I know that you have planned my murder a hundred times, but I know you could never kill me. I am thankful that I met you years ago. I love you more now than I ever have. Thank you for going to church with me and supporting me through everything. I can wait to grow old with you and finally have little Bentley.

Life- I am so thankful for another day of life. So many people have been taken from us! I am sorry for any one of those families. It has to be hard to lose someone that you are so close to, I couldn’t imagine the feeling. I am thankful that I am still living.

Everything- I don’t take for granted anything in life. If you have a part in my life, know that I cherish you.

I hope you guys have a good day. I know I am ready to tear into some good ole fashion turkey. I pray God’s hand over all of you, especially if you’re traveling. Take a minute and comment what you are thankful for. I would love to hear it!


The reason I left college


School is almost over for most seniors, which leaves them with one big decision, what would they like to do for the rest of their lives? After they figure out that question, they will then search for some colleges, either near or far from their hometown. After the decide where they want to go, they will send in an application to see if they are compatible with that certain school. After the college accepts them into their school, they will possibly move across the world to study their desired trait.
I decided on what I wanted to do when I was at church, one night. The pastor was talking about callings. At this point, I was lost on what I wanted to do. I wanted to be a writer, computer engineer, and pastor, but I didn’t know what was worth the money. I wasn’t good at math, so I knew computer engineering was at the bottom, of the list. I was comfortable with being a writer, but I didn’t know if that was my calling, but then I heard, what I thought was god, and he told me that I should be a pastor. My excitement overtook my body, and I jumped on that plan. At this time, I was also beginning a courtship with a girl, one that was going to this little Christian college, in August. She convinced me to apply at CBC (Central Bible College) and I did. A week later, I got a call while eating out with a few friends. CBC called to inform me that I had been accepted into their school. But a month later, they conjoined with another school, which raised the tuition. They also lost my entry fee. With all this going on, I decided to leave this option on the curb, and go a different way. That is when I found WRSM (World revival school of ministry.)
I didn’t want to go to a seminar, yet I applied. I don’t remember applying, honestly, but I did. I was accepted, and was on my way to Kansas City, Mo in August. The day I left home, I remember getting a mile out of town, then I heard a voice inside saying “NO!” I wasn’t sure what it was, but I marked it down as fear, and kept driving. That voice was warning me about what was about to occur.
I was happy when I got to the new home, my heart was racing, but something didn’t feel right. I figured this was from the change of location, so I fought it. But as the time went on, the feeling got worse. I wasn’t doing well at the time, I couldn’t sleep at nights, I couldn’t find a job, I wasn’t feeling the same about church, I was a mess. Then I met this guy, Craig, and we talked. I told him that I wasn’t feeling the same about this dream, and that I was thinking about leaving, after the semester was over. He wanted me to stay, saying this was a great place to be, especially if I was wanting to pursue Gods will. I felt bad for even questioning if I were suppose to be her not, I didn’t want to question Gods plan, so I decided to stay, still with no job or money.
A month before I left:
The pains of not fitting in are heavy, I haven’t met any close friends, even after being here for six months. When the church service starts, I feel empty inside, its an emptiness that I can’t fill with anything. I don’t know what to do, I don’t feel God anymore. I have prayed and prayed, but nothing is working. I am lost in self-doubt and frustration. I even started to doubt Gods existence at this point. Then there he stood, my youth pastor, at my front door step. He came down to give me a care package, but I needed more. I needed to talk to him, quickly. I needed to open up to someone, so we went out to dinner. I opened up in the middle of a empty Ihop, crying my eyes out from the heartache I had from this school. I was going to church five days a week, yet wasn’t feeling God? I knew there was something not clicking. My youth pastor told me that these were the choices: I come home, or I fight through. He told me that I had to pick the choice, that he couldn’t pick for me. He ensured that he was here for me with whatever I choose.
The answer came to me, about two weeks later. There was a big conference in town for the weekend. I was a part of the chair crew, which is a group that puts up chairs and tears them down, but this was for a church of 1000 and had to be done 2 times a day. With the conference in town, that added to the amount of work we had. During that week, I only got three hours of sleep. I remember someone coming up to me, and asking if I were okay. I smiled and told them I was doing just fine, but they saw through my lie, and asked how much I have been sleeping. With knowing, they knew, I told them the truth. They told me to go home, and get some sleep. But as they walked away, I laughed and went back to work. I would have felt guilty if I would have slacked off, since the school did give me a quarter free. I spent that semester working my butt off, just to pay them back. At the end, I wasn’t happy, though. That is when I decided to come home.
I still didn’t have any solid income. The house parents told me that I needed to get a job, quickly, or they would have to kick me out. So while they were at church, one Sunday, I decided to pack up my car and come back home. I felt a huge burden being lifted off my shoulders as I crossed back over to Illinois, I knew at this point, this was suppose to be my calling. I was called to stay in Illinois, and figure my life out. I wasn’t needed in a new land, but I needed to be somewhere I knew. My calling was to be a writer, something I could do right here in Illinois, for now.  

Impromtdude @

   It was time for me to stop fearing, because it wasn’t something to fear about, this was going to shake my life for the good, nothing bad was going to come from this. I felt something pull on my heart telling me everything was going to be fine. Even though at first, I didn’t believe that, as I stood in the middle of the empty highway, I began to feel safe again.


   I am sleepy, but I know I need to get up from the mattress, get dressed, and head down to my ride. They will be leaving in 15-minutes, and today is one day that I can’t miss. My dad has yelled at me three times, to get up, but something doesn’t want me to go.
   My head is heavy, even though I went to bed early the night before. I think it might be a nervous feeling, I mean today is the day that my life changes. I have been waiting for this day, my whole life, well since I gave up on pleasing myself, to please someone else. It has been two weeks since that night at the loft, and I still feel the energy that I did that night. The night that changed, how I felt about religious beliefs and church. Today is the day that I go down a sinner and come up saved by grace. I got out of the sheets that tangled my legs and went to the bathroom. My hair was a mess, my eyes were puffy, and my armpits were on fire. I didn’t have the time to mess with that though, I should have woke up and took a shower, but that wasn’t the plan, the plan was that everything would have worked itself out, but it didn’t. I quickly wet my hair, brushed my teeth, and threw on a nice shirt, that was acceptable for church. I walked into my room and grabbed the bag, full of more clothes, for after the service.
   I walked out of the house with a little less than 5-minutes before departure, all to remember that I forgot deodorant. I sniffed my armpits, that were still ripe from late night basketball, and almost died. This is one thing that I needed to take care of, so I told my dad to go down and tell them I will be there, and not to leave. He told me to hurry up, which I did. I ran inside grabbed, what I could find, and left. I made great timing, everyone was boarding the two cars when I arrived. When I got there, the teens greeted me, like I was finally one of them, something I never felt like before. I got in the truck, after throwing my bag in the bed, and put my headphones in.
The whole ride there, I was thinking about the decision I was making today. This means that I could no longer do what everyone else does, I replayed in my head as I looked out of the window. I knew that It was the right decision, but the more I thought about it, the less I wanted to do it. I didn’t want to be different from everyone else, but at the same time, I still wasn’t. I was never one of the guys, or a popular guy, so what did I have to lose? I was about to gain a new level of happiness that was promised to me. I knew it was worth the looks I would get, to live for something with purpose for once, to do something for me for once. I thought I believed that, but the closer we got, the more I wanted to jump out of the car. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to take the step, it was the questions on what would I do after? Do I go back to the old Blake, what was the new Blake even-like?
    I feared that I was jumping the gun, and I was about to fall flat on my face! But even if I wanted to back out, it was too late to. I was already at the church, well before time, which is great, now I have even more time to fear the worse. Everyone got out of the truck, and went into the building, except for me. I decided to stay outside for a while, and talk to God.
The morning due was still on the grass. The wet grass caused my shoes to get wet, and then my socks got soaked. Of course, I figured this was a sign from God, telling me not to go through with the plan. I was okay with not going through with the plan, but when I was about to pull the plug, something inside stopped me. It was time for me to stop fearing, because it wasn’t something to fear about, this was going to shake my life for the good, nothing bad was going to come from this. I felt something pull on my heart telling me everything was going to be fine. Even though at first, I didn’t believe that, as I stood in the middle of the empty highway, I began to feel safe again.
    I started to get the feeling that I had the first night, the night that I said “yes” to follow something bigger than me. So as I stood in the middle of that empty highway, with damp socks and a freeing body, I chose to stop worrying about what would be said at school. The people would either expect it, or they wouldn’t. Their opinions never meant much to me anyways. This choice is my choice, and I chose to do it, and that was final. I sat back down on the church steps, and prayed, one-last-time before the service began.
   The wind began to pick up, sending a unsettle chill through  my feet. I finished the prayer, and walked inside to find a pew in the middle of the sanctuary. I usually would sit with the rest of the teens, but today I wanted to focus on getting ready for the service, so I forced myself to sit away from them.
   The pastor finished his sermon, which rocked my mindset. I can’t remember what it was about, I just remember that I was bawling my eyes out, knowing that I needed the message. I got up from the pew, and got some prayer. But that wasn’t the end of that service, oh no, the best was about to happen. I got up off my knees, and went back to the front row pew, to hear the pastor introduce six young people to the stage, myself included.
    I wiped my tears from my eye socket, and walked to the front. I stared out into the crowd, their faces were shining as bright as the sun. The were happy with our commitment that we were about to make, some were even crying. I was guessing the ones that were crying, were family members of the other five, up here. I simply gave a half-grin and turned towards the pastor as he spoke; “We are gathered in unity to bless these young men, as they chose to give their old-self up to follow, our Lord. We now get to witness them being reborn, in the ceremony of baptisms. We are overjoyed that we get to share with you guys.”
   We were then instructed to go get dressed in the clothes we brought, which included my black shirt with gym shorts. I was last in line, I got to witness 5 go before me, and come up a new man. There was one man that raised through the water, like a cannon, he shot through the water, screaming “Hallelujah.” I began to get nervous, thinking about what I should say. I quickly rejected that thought, and gave it up to God.
   It was my turn. I walked up to the giant tub of water, looked into it. I had one last time to turn around, and walk away. But I said no, and got into the water. The pastor had me repeat the words that he said, which I did. Then he pushed my head back into the water. The water was warm, but that wasn’t what I felt. When I was submerged into the water, my heart dropped. The water was electric, it sent shocks through my body, ones that I only felt during the youth rally. I knew at this moment, there was something in the water, with me, it was God. The submerging only lasted a few seconds, but it felt like years to me. I went down, felt the shock, also I felt the chains of my past break, my abuse story was light on my mind, my past sins and lies seemed to be erased.
   I felt that I was sent through a master reset, like one of a computer. My hard drive was cleared, and new software was installed, software that led me to believe, it was time to change the world. I didn’t realize that the pastor brought me up out of the water, I stood there for a second, before my arms shot up in the air. I felt overjoyed, almost to where I leaped out of the water, but I contained myself enough to scream “Amen.” I don’t remember shouting though, someone told me months later, while I was talking to them about it. I was happy to hear that, since I didn’t want to think I copied anyone. That moment in the water, changed my life, forever.
   Even if I don’t follow the rules as close as I should, that day has always been an outline for me. I feel that day wasn’t about religion. Yes, of course, it was a church event, and I did it for God, but that day not only freed me for God, but it also gave me the power to free myself. If that day wouldn’t of happened, I would still be fighting the pain of my past, and probably would have lost, by now.  I thank God, that I didn’t lose my cool, and left that day. If I would have, I don’t know where I would be today!

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