Posts Tagged ‘upset’

Let it feel like the very first time.
It doesn’t feel like Christmas time; well other than the horrid ice on the ground. For the last few years Christmas hasn’t felt like Christmas! I don’t know if its from being at work, a lot or if it is just not as magical as it use to be, but I don’t like it! I don’t like not feeling warm and cozy with family. I go back to being a kid and I started to thing; what does Christmas really feel like? Well, what did it feel like that is!

I go back to my childhood and all I remember was I didn’t buy gifts. Well, I bought my parents gifts if they gave me the money, but I never had to stress about what the perfect gift was. They were my parents, they were forced to love anything I got them; it was in the handbook!!!!!! The main thing was that they didn’t care what they got. But I never had to worry about the perfect gift, so I guess that is what put me in a magical mood for Christmas. Stress does amazing things to the body, especially make you hate the things you use to love.

We get so worked up over the perfect gift, that we forget to look at the things that we love. For me, it is the magical feeling of Christmas. For others, it could be the joy of making sugar cookies. Either way, we will want to buy the best present ever so we stress over what people think of a certain gift, causing a big stress bubble, also taking you away from doing the things that makes Christmas, Christmas.

To make a change we will need to do one thing; forget about presents. Who cares about presents, anyway? What you get someone will only last for two years, then those items will be replaced with new items; so why care about what present you get? Instead, why not make memories that will last a lifetime? As a child, I wanted to make non-bake cookies with mommy and then go to bed early. Then I would wake up early and sit on her lap and open presents, but that wasn’t what was important. I loved the time that we got the night before while watching movies and making snacks. If I didn’t get a present; who cares? Christmas is about joy. Don’t allow buying presents take that joy away from you!!!! That isnt the point of Christmas! 


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Thankfully for the Titans coming back to beat the Lions, I was able to keep a record of 9-5 in week 2 picks. Though the Packers should have won, and I was too stubborn to go against my favorite team, a few other games were just amazing. The Rams went on to beat the struggling offense of Seattle, and the Raiders fell short to the Falcons. Other than that, the week went just like I planned. Now, with a record of 9-5, I bring you this weeks picks! (Including the close game of the week!)


Texans at Patriots
Winner: Texans

     Ravens at Jaguars
Winner: Jaguars

Redskins at Giants
Winner: Giants
(Close game of the week 21-18)

Lions at Packers
Winner: Packers

Browns at Dolphins
Winner: Browns

Vikings at Panthers
Winner: Panthers

Broncos at Bengals
Winner: Broncos

Cardinals at Bills
Winner: Cardinals

Raiders at Titans
Winner: Raiders

Rams at Bucs
Winner: Bucs

49ers at Seahawks
Winner: Seahawks

      Steelers at Eagles
Winner: Steelers

      Jets at Chiefs
     Winner: Chiefs

      Chargers at Colts
      Winner: Colts

     Bears at Cowboys
     Winner: Cowboys

      Falcons at Saints
     Winner: Saints

Few Notes:
Texans win due to the Patriots having to play Rookie, Jacoby Brissett (Garoppolo, shoulder Gronkowski, Ankle)

Packers will come out looking for vengance after that tough conference loss. Look for Rodgers to have a huge game.

Broncos only win if the defense plays well. The Bengals have allowed opposing defenses to get to Dalton, which could be a huge factor since they are facing Von Miller. We will see though. I also think its time to get Paxton ready!

Carson Wentz will have his first huge game, this Sunday. This will open everyone’s eyes to see if he is the future, or if he just was getting lucky. Wentz only had 180 yards to one of the worse defenses on MNF.

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I don’t know what to say….
I am posting this blog from a train heading to another place. This land has gotten old and unlivable. I didn’t want to leave, but what else was I to do? This place has become so negative and full of hatred, so I decided that I didn’t need this. I hope that everything will be fine, which I’m sure it will be, so I can come back one day in order to live the rest of my life, but this wont be until things change. I need this change in my life…
Life is super difficult right now. I have never been this stressed and desensitized to the world, but lately that’s who I have become. I have become someone that I hate, someone that doesn’t care about anything. I don’t put my heart into anything, anymore. I have become a wall to those around me. This isn’t good because I have some pretty serious things coming up. I have a huge test at work, one that could really put us in a bad spot, I also have a few deadlines that are coming up, on top of that; I have to make sure my own are good, this being my wife and dog. I have so much on my plate, but I found the solution….
This is when I left, at night, and went to the train station. I had some cash from my check, enough to buy me a one-way ticket. I gladly gave up my money for a ticket out. I was told that I had to wait for the train, but that was okay, at least I was going to get out of this hell. I waited as the train came to a complete stop. The interior was slightly glum but it felt good to start over, knowing this was going to lead me to another paradise. I sat back and finally got to sleep a little.
When I woke up, it had been thirty minutes, and we weren’t even close. I pulled out my phone to see my wife called me. I gave her a call, mainly to tell her I left. When she answered she sounded scared. I quickly told her the truth and told her that I would be back soon, right after I found myself again. I heard sobbing through the line, knowing that she was crying, I tried to comfort her. She didn’t want to be comforted, she wanted me back! I explained why I couldn’t come back and told her that I will keep her posted. After minutes of debating, I simply hung up the phone and looked ahead. She didn’t try to call back and didn’t text me. I think I made her mad.
I do feel bad, but that doesn’t matter. I am at the end of the line and I know this is serious! I need to find myself before I try to put anyone else first. My future will be found on this trip, but I have to ask, will you guys be behind me? This train could get very lonely…


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If I can be serious…

    There has been a lot of confusion in my life, lately. I am lost in my own dreams, and I don’t know what to do to get back. I haven’t been myself lately, many probably can tell. I don’t want to write as I use to. I don’t want to write, at all. I don’t have my heart in any of my recent post, also I can’t keep motivated to finish any of my blogs. I am tired of always trying to come up with great ideas, but also I am tired. I am tired of trying to explain myself, and making myself feel like I have a reason to feel the way I do. I don’t want to explain myself, but I feel like I need to. I know that you guys are there for me, but at the same time, who are you to be there for me. It isnt your job to hold my hand, during my troubles. I do appreciate it, but I know you don’t have to. But let me try to explain myself to you guys, and then I will end this blog.

     This journey is hard, it is an uphill battle. Writing was something that use to be a pure hobby for me, but somewhere in the middle, I made it my passion, not knowing what that was going to bring. I didn’t know that stress would come along with chasing a dream. But the stress is real, and it is something that I deal with every night of my life. Along with my work, I come home and want to give you guys my best. Some nights I find that it is super easy to write to you guys, but nights like last night come up, and writing is something that I don’t want to do, but I want to keep this streak going. I promised my friends and fans that I would post, everyday, and that is something that I don’t want to stop anytime soon. But with work being exxtra stressful, I have been super tired, every night, and since I don’t prewrite blogs anymore,  I find myself writing the post at 8pm, when it needed to be done by 7:30, so I rush, and when I rush,  I find that my blog isnt up to par; but in order to meet the deadline, I have to settle, then I stay up late, worrying that you guys are going to hate me. The next day is worse, because the stats are in.

When the numbers are up, I am happy, but when the stats are low, I start to get down on myself. Recently, the numbers have been steadily growing, causing much happiness. But that also is the worse part. I hate that when I am unable to put my heart into my work, that is when everyone wants to come to my blog. It sickens me, because that is the first impression that people get, and it isn’t a good one. It is like some girl, that you like, seeing you naked in the freezing cold. You know that you carry the pistol, but the winter breeze has caused it to turn into a shaggy bullet. Though that analogy was horrible, I hope you get the idea. I haven’t been producing the best material, so how can I expect anyone to get behind me? I surely wouldn’t want to, not after that horrible “Flash back to the past” post. I didn’t even know what I was saying during that post, but I know that it wasn’t suppose to go up that quick. That was a post that I was going to work on, then post it later this week, but I didn’t want to write, so I posted that piece of trash. I am sorry that you had to read that….

So, now you know that I have been having a horrible time, recently. But the worse part is what I have been promising. (Be prepared to hate me.) There is this great man. I know him from a prayer night, that we both attended, in the past. He is a great artist, and recently just signed a record deal. But before the flowers bloomed in his garden, this tiller came to me. He asked me to help water his ground, by promoting his work around town. I gave him a promise to get the interview ready, which I did, but after receiving the email, I told him that I would have the post up in three days. That was a week ago, and I still haven’t finished the post. I feel like complete shit, from the fact that I haven’t done anything with this post. I am usually really great with getting things done, and finishing them in a timely fashion. So, Kastle Li, if you are reading this. I am truly sorry. I shouldn’t keep you waiting, but I give you my word, that I am trying to get these things under control, and that I will have your post done, very soon. I am working on it, I just lost sight of myself. I know your not mad, but I am. I am very mad at myself.

I didn’t know that this would be the case. I didn’t know that my dream would become so stressful. I thought that all I needed was my great ability, but it is much more. It takes the patience’s of a saint, the heart of gold, and the will of God. I still have a huge road to drive down, in order to get where I need to be. But that’s the best part. The dream wouldn’t be worth living if it was easy. I would love to hear from you, tell me what I should write about!


                        Real fast:

I want to thank someone very special to me. She has been a great fan, since she started following my blog. Her name is Angelica, and she is the sweetest fan, ever. Every time I post something, she is liking it, and commenting nice words. She is a great person, and I want to give her a quick shoutout. I love you, Angelica.  I hope you enjoy the future at Impromtstudios! Also, thanks to everyone else that likes my post, you guys are amazing. I hope to connect with you guys more, in the future!!!!!!! Thanks for your time!

Impromtdude @

A big disappointment!
I walked out of my workplace and to my car, it was a beautiful day. It was slightly raining, which is how I like it! We just got paid and I was ready to go spend some cash on a new laptop. The laptop was one that was written down due to overstock. With the computer being so cheap, My wife and I decided that both of us would get one, her for work and Netflix, and me for writing and porn. It was a great plan.
When we first saw the laptop, a few weeks back, we weren’t really wanting to spend the money so we told ourselves “oh next pay.” We thought that the laptops would still be on sale and that we would finally have something nice. So we get into our beat up Ford and drive over to the far-side Walmart. Though, not being a big fan of Walmart electronics, it was marked down low enough to snag it up with no true regrets. Also, it was a new laptop, why wouldn’t you get it?
We got to Wal-mart and walked in. I needed to buy some transmission fluid, so that was the first stop. We looked for a good few minutes, as we couldn’t find the transmission fluid, since it was beside a line of motor oil with the same label. After collecting a few bottles for the car, we rounded the corner into the electronics. Having a feeling that the laptop wouldn’t be there, I made a few other purchases first; we looked at the aux wires, the clearance for electronics and the movies. After our hearts were ready for disappointment, we walked over the laptops.
The laptop was there. It was a light blue HP with all the perks I want, but there was no price tag. I was confused, so I walked over to the other side where the other higher priced laptops sit. “How can I help you?” an employee asked. I explained to him that we wanted the light blue laptop and that it was recently discounted. He agreed that the laptop was a discounted item but that they had sold out of the product and they aren’t getting anymore in. He told me that they were at other stores, but they weren’t at the cheap price as here, which I knew. I was upset, the one  time I wanted something nice and had the money, it was gone? Just my luck.
It does seem like every time that something is going my way, something else has to happen to cause me to not get my way. It is like the universe doesn’t want me happy, so it will throw mountains in my way so that I stumble. Let me tell you, it is getting very annoying. I only want something nice, just once. But for now I will continue to write on my tablet and watch my porn on the T.V. (That is a joke!) Hopefully one day I can get something nice. I laugh and shut my tablet. 


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Am I a christian?
I have been doing a series called, Letters to the Chapel, which is a series that walks you guys through my time with Christ. This raises a question; am I a Christian? This is a very serious question, if you know my past. I spent a good part of my life in a pew. Growing up with a pastor for a dad, you were sort of forced into going, even if you were tired from staying up all night. I remember at 10 years old, I was in a rough time in my life, my mom was no longer in the picture, I recently had gotten out of foster care, putting me into the care of my father. When we moved in with my father, he had one rule, that was that we went back to church. I hated the idea of going to church. I didn’t believe that God would allow something, such as abuse, happen to his creation. I had a grudge with God, and I wasn’t about to go to church to solve it!
Even with much fighting, I lost the battle in not going to church. My dad wanted me to go, and that was the end of that argument. Now with much hate, in my heart, I sat in a pew with glazed-over eyes, as I tried to stay awake through the pastors boring speech about loving one and another. The pastor had no sense of humor and a mono voice. I found it very hard to stay awake through the sermon. But with time,  I began to get over that. I actually started enjoying the church, but then my dad wanted to change pace and go to another church.
The transition was very rough on me. I made some great friends at the last church, but that was all over. It was back to fighting my dad, about going to church. I remember purposely taking forever to get ready, hoping that he would say it was okay, and that we wouldn’t go. But that never worked, he always was up my butt about getting ready, and if he saw that I was taking longer than I should, he would call me out about it! The fight was over, I had lost. I had nothing else to do, than go with it. I was going to sit through the sermons, even if I didn’t want to. But as I went to the Sunday meetings, I realized this church was amazing.
It took me over 3-years to get used to getting up early, on Sundays. Once I got use to getting up early, I started to pay more attention in the church, and then I went to a youth ralley, on night. This was the night that I gave my life to Christ! This was an amazing night for me. I was sitting in the back of the building, and all of a sudden, two pastors came after me, and asked me to get prayed over. As they prayed over me, I felt something change on the inside, that night was the beginning of a wild 6 year-ride.
Fast forward six years later. After I got back from seminar, I was lost. I didn’t know what I wanted, or what god wanted. I couldn’t find a job in Missouri, forcing me back home to start over from scratch. With nothing going in my way, I started to search out for an answer. That is when my youth pastor introduced me to a college, in Lincoln. This was a pastoral college that lasted one-year, and would give you a degree in pastoral studies. This would give me a great opportunity to grow, as a person and a Christian. But with no money to pay for it, I decided to go against it, and I started to focus on church, alone. But then my life shifted.
Long-story-short, I met my wife. She was the light of my world, but there was a problem. She was having problems with her mom, and got kicked out of her home. She was forced into going to her aunts. She was scared of this house, she felt that someone was always watching her, and one night she felt her covers being removed from her. I told her that I would stay with her, until it all blew over, to give her a sense of security. But word got back to my church, and they weren’t happy. They told me that I couldn’t live this life, and teach their children. Then the pastor asked me if I would allow them to pray. But instead of praying for a good life, they prayed that my girlfriend and I broke up. When they prayed that, I decided to stop going to that church.
Now, I would like to say that I am a Christian, which I am, but I feel like I am a different type of Christian. The church is very corrupt in this day of age, most only want control, when they should focus on the love of Christ. That is why I decided to stop going to church, and focusing on a private relationship, with Christ. This eliminated a lot of my problems, and has allowed me to be more real with God. I wasn’t able to ask the Church certain questions, but now I can ask God those questions! So yes, I am a Christian, but I don’t believe in the church.


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Making a change-
I love that my fans are starting to comment on my blog more, it means a lot to know someone is reading this blog! Recently, a fan sent me a message, telling me that my blog was how she was feeling. It meant a lot to know that my life is like others, and that we all deal with the same troubles. The troubles that we are facing is depression.
I posted a blog, titled “Help,” it was a blog asking for someone to help me deal with my depression. I was feeling down, and didn’t want to do anything. At the time, I didn’t even want to write, but I did, and I had a great response. People were messaging me, commenting, liking, and sharing my post; it was a great day for my blog, but also a great day for me, knowing that someone actually does care. But the best comment, was from a girl, and she told me that she was feeling the same way. I responded to tell her “we should start a group.” This group would be on Facebook, and would help those who don’t have anyone, but who are also dealing with depression. It would be for people to connect with others, like them.
She added me on Facebook, and we began to get to know each other, finding out small details of each other, so that when we start working together, we will have an idea of who we are working with. She is actually really cool, you couldn’t tell that she is depressed, but that’s the amazing thing, you usually can’t. People deal with depression differently, Sam and I deal with our depression the same way, though. We hide it deep down, hoping that no one tries to pry, because if they did we would have to open up, something we don’t like to do.
I have always wanted to do something like this, but never have found the will to go through with it. I saw, making a page like this, taking advantage of the situation, but now I realize, it is actually a great tool. We can use this to help, the shy and depressed, meet new friends. That right there is enough to make the page! We are excited to get this out to you guys, and we hope that you will support it, meaning sharing and liking, we really want to make a difference in the world and this is the best chance that we have! 


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Mothers day is hard.

Posted: May 9, 2016 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,

Why do I feel so wrong?


Today is mothers day, the one day that mothers get fully recognized for everything they do. I have had amazing mothers, in my life, that have taken me under their winds to show me what love is. They taught me different lessons in life, like when to say yes and no, or what to look for in a woman, or why it is important to follow my dreams. It is nice to have that support from someone, and that is what is amazing about mothers; they know what to do to make you feel safe and happy. The appreciation, I have for them doesn’t stop on this day, though, I find new ways to show them the love (They show me) on everyday of the year.
      I recently lost a mother figure. She was taken from this world way to soon. It hurt to hear that she passed away, but all I can do is hold on to the memories of her, and the lessons that she taught me. She was the one that helped me through all of my high school pains, and helped me keep a straight path through my walk with Christ. She is a strong women, and she will never be gone, from my heart. I loved spending time with her, and I hope that one day I can spend another day with her, in heaven.
      I have written this post many times, looking for the right words to say. Mothers day is the hardest holiday for me, it has been for almost 12 years now. 12 years ago, my mother said her last goodbye, inside that old brick courthouse after giving us our Christmas presents. She then left, and never came back. She left the state, never to be found again. Though she was found years later, she wasn’t the same as before. She was fully lost. When I found her, she seemed to be on drugs, so I had to let her go. If I would have stayed, she would have pulled me down with her. I didn’t want to go down that road again, so I chose to do the hardest thing ever, and let her live her own life.
    I find that mothers day is hard. I see families walk by, at my work, and I get jealous because I want that relationship, but I cant have it. I want a relationship with my mother, but my mother wants to keep her old ways. I can accept that, but I don’t want to be around that. I had to make a choice and sadly the choice I had to choose, was one that, leaves me in pain on these days. I miss and love my mother, a lot, I just wish she loved me the same, enough to stop the drugs and the lies. I miss you, mom! 

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The reason I left college


School is almost over for most seniors, which leaves them with one big decision, what would they like to do for the rest of their lives? After they figure out that question, they will then search for some colleges, either near or far from their hometown. After the decide where they want to go, they will send in an application to see if they are compatible with that certain school. After the college accepts them into their school, they will possibly move across the world to study their desired trait.
I decided on what I wanted to do when I was at church, one night. The pastor was talking about callings. At this point, I was lost on what I wanted to do. I wanted to be a writer, computer engineer, and pastor, but I didn’t know what was worth the money. I wasn’t good at math, so I knew computer engineering was at the bottom, of the list. I was comfortable with being a writer, but I didn’t know if that was my calling, but then I heard, what I thought was god, and he told me that I should be a pastor. My excitement overtook my body, and I jumped on that plan. At this time, I was also beginning a courtship with a girl, one that was going to this little Christian college, in August. She convinced me to apply at CBC (Central Bible College) and I did. A week later, I got a call while eating out with a few friends. CBC called to inform me that I had been accepted into their school. But a month later, they conjoined with another school, which raised the tuition. They also lost my entry fee. With all this going on, I decided to leave this option on the curb, and go a different way. That is when I found WRSM (World revival school of ministry.)
I didn’t want to go to a seminar, yet I applied. I don’t remember applying, honestly, but I did. I was accepted, and was on my way to Kansas City, Mo in August. The day I left home, I remember getting a mile out of town, then I heard a voice inside saying “NO!” I wasn’t sure what it was, but I marked it down as fear, and kept driving. That voice was warning me about what was about to occur.
I was happy when I got to the new home, my heart was racing, but something didn’t feel right. I figured this was from the change of location, so I fought it. But as the time went on, the feeling got worse. I wasn’t doing well at the time, I couldn’t sleep at nights, I couldn’t find a job, I wasn’t feeling the same about church, I was a mess. Then I met this guy, Craig, and we talked. I told him that I wasn’t feeling the same about this dream, and that I was thinking about leaving, after the semester was over. He wanted me to stay, saying this was a great place to be, especially if I was wanting to pursue Gods will. I felt bad for even questioning if I were suppose to be her not, I didn’t want to question Gods plan, so I decided to stay, still with no job or money.
A month before I left:
The pains of not fitting in are heavy, I haven’t met any close friends, even after being here for six months. When the church service starts, I feel empty inside, its an emptiness that I can’t fill with anything. I don’t know what to do, I don’t feel God anymore. I have prayed and prayed, but nothing is working. I am lost in self-doubt and frustration. I even started to doubt Gods existence at this point. Then there he stood, my youth pastor, at my front door step. He came down to give me a care package, but I needed more. I needed to talk to him, quickly. I needed to open up to someone, so we went out to dinner. I opened up in the middle of a empty Ihop, crying my eyes out from the heartache I had from this school. I was going to church five days a week, yet wasn’t feeling God? I knew there was something not clicking. My youth pastor told me that these were the choices: I come home, or I fight through. He told me that I had to pick the choice, that he couldn’t pick for me. He ensured that he was here for me with whatever I choose.
The answer came to me, about two weeks later. There was a big conference in town for the weekend. I was a part of the chair crew, which is a group that puts up chairs and tears them down, but this was for a church of 1000 and had to be done 2 times a day. With the conference in town, that added to the amount of work we had. During that week, I only got three hours of sleep. I remember someone coming up to me, and asking if I were okay. I smiled and told them I was doing just fine, but they saw through my lie, and asked how much I have been sleeping. With knowing, they knew, I told them the truth. They told me to go home, and get some sleep. But as they walked away, I laughed and went back to work. I would have felt guilty if I would have slacked off, since the school did give me a quarter free. I spent that semester working my butt off, just to pay them back. At the end, I wasn’t happy, though. That is when I decided to come home.
I still didn’t have any solid income. The house parents told me that I needed to get a job, quickly, or they would have to kick me out. So while they were at church, one Sunday, I decided to pack up my car and come back home. I felt a huge burden being lifted off my shoulders as I crossed back over to Illinois, I knew at this point, this was suppose to be my calling. I was called to stay in Illinois, and figure my life out. I wasn’t needed in a new land, but I needed to be somewhere I knew. My calling was to be a writer, something I could do right here in Illinois, for now.  

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