Posts Tagged ‘trying’

shallow focus photo of pink ceramic roses

Photo by Acharaporn Kamornboonyarush on

I wrote this letter when Ariel and I were first dating. We just got our own apartment together and were going through something, so I wrote this to her. I might not be the best person, but I know where my heart resides.

When you look into the mirror at times I don’t believe you see what I see.

When I look at your face I see true beauty! I also see the pain of a childhood that I wish I could take away but I can’t. If I could I would in a second, because you deserved so much better than what you got. I promise to always help you through the days that you feel the ugliest, because when you ask me what I think about you. My answer never changes. I think and know that you are the prettiest girl in this world. I wish one day you can look in the mirror and see what I have seen for the last 11 months!!!!

I walk up these stairs every day, yet I don’t see the just as a few pieces of wood. No I think of all the times we walk the same stairs to get to our cozy little room that we can officially call our own.

It makes me remember the day we came to this place to sign papers, knowing that it was official that we were living together. A lot has been said since then, but every night we go up these stairs, even if we are frustrated at each other, to fall asleep in each other’s arms. I treasure the chance to do this, especially with a princess like you babe!

One can say that love fades, but I find that to be a lie. We have been through a lot, more than most couples go through all their relationship. They would crumble under the weight of all the drama, hurt, past regrets, parental disagreements, threats, tears, and occasionally getting kicked out of your own house. But we lasted through the shit to see ourselves planning the most beautiful wedding in the history of marriage. I can’t wait for the day we can finally seal the deal and make our lives come fully together. To add another crazy ass to a family that’s crazy enough. It’s my pleasure to change your name. So when people say that love fades that’s just because they based their relationship on things that fade, but we based ours on things knowing that they would change and knowing we would have to adjust!!!


I have been thinking back to my college days a lot lately, which is when I decided to come back home to move in a different direction. I was studying pastoral studies in Kansas City, and I couldn’t have been happier, well for the first few months. It didn’t last though, I felt that I was wasting much needed time doing something, I no longer wanted to do. I ran out of the ministry juice, and no longer wanted to study religion. This was after a dream, that woke me up in the middle of the night, and kept me up the whole night. The dream was more a path that I knew I wanted to take, but my fear of failure was outweighing my courage of succeeding.

I wanted to come back home to study locally. This was forced also by not finding a solid job, that wouldn’t keep me from college for a semester. In the dream, I saw myself finishing my first novel, and becoming a world-known writer. I was excited instantly about becoming a professional writer, that the dean-of-students offer wasn’t enough to keep me around. Even though they gave me a semester free, and helped with my rent, I no longer wanted to be there. I left during a Sunday service, and packed up my things. I came back home to Illinois, without telling anyone there. I know it was wrong to do so, with everything they did for me but it was now-or-never, or so I thought.

When I got back to Illinois, I got lazy. I didn’t try to get a job, I didn’t care about the same things as before. I didn’t want to write anymore. I felt like I was wasting my time doing nothing, so I planned to attend another seminary, in order to show those around me, that I didn’t come back to lay around. I never got into the seminary, due to the money issues I was experiencing. But this would change shortly, when I met my wife.

My wife wanted me to follow my true dream, which was to become a writer. She pushed me to go back to college, and get my degree in journalism. But when I showed interest, my job began to want me to pull more hours. With the more hours that I was getting, the less the chance became, that I was able to go to college. This is when I decided that I was going to try becoming published without a degree. This is nearly an impossible task, but where there is a will there is a way. Now that I have started my portfolio, I know the things that need to be done in order to get my name out there. This could lead me to a new location on the map, yes I am talking about moving.

I have started to promote through some amazing items, which I blogged slightly about, last night. But the reality is, sometimes you need to move to become someone in this industry. Springfield might not be the best place for me to try and grow, but at the same time it might be the best place. The question is though; Could I move if it came to it?

The answer is “Yes.” As a writer, I see that my future could cause me to go to another city, state, or country. This is any job, you have to be ready to relocate, and I am. It would be hard, but how could I say that I want to grow but not take the steps that it takes to do so? I can’t, that’s why it is important to ready your heart to do the hardest things in life, no matter the cost.

If you hold back, because of fear, you could miss an opportunity of a lifetime, I will not though.
I have been taking the steps that I need to, and I have seen that it has helped. But time will tell if the steps I have taken will be enough. I pray they are, but no one knows what God has in store, so I give him control, and can only pray that I don’t get in the way!

This was an old post that I thought someone needed to hear! 

What can we say about last week, other than they were easy picks. This doesn’t include a few close games, but for the most part the better team won. Panthers were 4 points away from losing another, Vikings are starting to make a return, Browns are still a practice team, chiefs choked on a close game, Colts beat a conference team, and the Raiders might have lost if the Refs didn’t give the game away. Without Thanksgiving games being tallied, my new record is 83-58-2.
Now lets get in the new week:
Rams @ Saints

Titans @ Bears

Cardinals @ Falcons
WINNER: Falcons

Giants @ Browns
WINNER: BROWWNNNNNSSSSSS (Just watch and see!!!

Chargers @ Texans
WINNER: No one, we are doomed…..Chargers

    Jags @ Bills

Bengals @ Ravens
WINNER: Ravens by 4000.

     4th- and-9ers @ Dolphins
Winner: 9ers. Ultimate SADFACEEEE!!!##!!!!!

     SeaCocks @ BUCS
Winner: Seahawks

     Patriots @ Jets
Winner: Patriots

     Panthers @ Raiders
Winner: Raiders

    Chiefs @ Broncos
Winner: Broncos

Packers @ Eagles
Why the hell is this aMNF game? SMH, Winner: Eagles…


Impromtdude @

Being stalked is a very serious and scary thing, but for me it was just annoying! I have heard of stories where the stalker ends up breaking into a house and killing the person, or something worse. With being a man, I never thought that I would have to worry about being stalked. I thought stalkers only attacked women, but oh boy was I wrong! This is the story, of when I was stalked!
I use to date a lot of girls. I would get to know them, then they would get boring, this is usually when I would dump them. I was a dumb 17 year old, wanting love in all the wrong places, this is one of those stories! I met this one girl, Faith, and she was awesome. The funny thing is I met her on Facebook, under “Friends you might know.” I didn’t know her, but I sent her a request, anyway (I know creepy, don’t judge!) She didn’t take long to accept it and message me, asking who I was? I answered saying that I thought I knew her (Lies!) She didn’t reply, at first, then she sent me a message. She wanted to get to know me. I gave her my number and told her to text me. It only took a few seconds for her to text me. She was annoying at first, she was putting me down because of my school! She only lived 10 minutes away and went to the school that my school was consolidated with! I told her that I didn’t want to talk about that, and she told me that we could change the subject. I brought up relationships. She told me that she was single. I used that to my advantage and began to ask her if we could hang out. She was senseless because she said yes, even without knowing me!
We hung out, a week later, and spent most of the time making out. She had the worse breath, ever! Though her breath was scary,  she was good at one thing….kissing! Sadly, that was the only thing she was good at! She wasn’t fun to talk to, she was controlling, and she spent most of our convos trying to convince me to have sex. I was training to be a youth pastor, so that wasn’t going to happen, which made her mad enough to taunt me with her friends! The relationship wasn’t bad overall, though, well until the end!
I was going out of town, with a few close friends, and she didn’t agree. She thought that I wanted to do something with the girl I was with. I tried to convince her that I didn’t want anything, but she didn’t believe me. I thought about skipping the concert, but then rethought as she wasn’t my mother, and she would have to get over it! I was too young to be controlled by a girlfriend, especially one that poked fun at me! I decided to go, anyways! She told me that she was fine, but she wasn’t. The concert was two hours away, so we left pretty early in the morning. The rest of the group was going to be meeting us in a different town, so we had to get there on time. The real problem didn’t come until later in the trip. I was trying to have a good time, we were all singing and having a blast, so much I forgot to check my phone. We were stopping at a gas station, while everyone else was inside I checked my phone. I had thirteen text messages and a few missed calls. They were all from Faith and she wasn’t happy. I remember the text messages were mixed, some were sad and the others were mad. She said that she hated me and that I was cheating, but then seconds later she would say she loved me and missed me. I was going to ignore the text messages, but one caught my eye. The one specific text said “HELp, Baby……He’s ohw (on his way).” This struck a nerve, since she did have a crazy ex, one that said he wanted to kill her to me….I gave her a call.
She answered the phone with an attitude. I could tell that she ran out of patience with me, but I didn’t care. I wasn’t going to let her negative ass ruin my day, I just wanted to know if she was okay. Once she calmed down and let me speak, I asked her if she was okay. She paused for a second then went off. She couldn’t catch her breath as she spilled out some crazy story. The story was about how her ex was mad about her status, so he was going to come and kill her. The funny thing is the police told her that they couldn’t help her. I told her to call them or to leave, she snapped again and told me that she couldn’t leave. I didn’t know what to do, I was a hour away and I couldn’t leave. I told her to call a friend, but she didn’t like that either. She then accused me of cheating with the other girl. My patience was gone as I blew up on her. I told her to shut up and to get a better story, as I knew she was lying. She told me that I was a dick, that is when I told her that I was done and I hung up the phone.
We didn’t talk for a couple days, but then she came back into the radar. She apologized for being a jerk. I accepted the apology and hung up the phone. The relationship was over, so I didn’t want to talk. She texted me moments later begging me to take her back. I told her no, and told her to leave me a lone. Faith blew up after that, telling me that I was a ugly virgin and that I should die. With this, I thought she was done, but that wasn’t true, she started to come around my house. She would drive by slowly. I caught her one day, but when I asked her what she was doing, she lied and said she was at school, even though I saw her outside of my house.
This crazy girl did this for a week, then texted me and told me that she was dating her ex, again. I didn’t answer, because I didn’t care. I knew that she wanted me to care, but I figured she was lying, so I just let it go. This wasn’t the last time she texted me, she would get dumped and come to me to fix her loneliness. The trap was never good enough, though, as I would just ignore her each time. It has been a about a year since she texted me last, which I thank God for. I just feel like she’s about to come back into the radar, but I am ready. My chair is sitting outside, my gun is loaded, and I am ready to send her to Redhead hell……


Impromtdude @

The week is almost over, forcing me to think of the past week and ask “how was my week?” The answer, being a very simple one, is good. There wasn’t much work to be done, but at the same time, I had a lot on my mind.

This week was good, yet I was still sorta depressed. I don’t know why I’m depressed but I am. I have also been thinking about my future, where I am going and what I need to change.

I still have failed to finish my two novels, making my deadlines flare up in my face. I really need to get myself back on the roll, or I will not be getting anything done! I also wrote a sad 4 post this whole week, not including this one. I need to get back in this.

Even with the negative things on my mind, I still had a few amazing things happen. I was a winner of two books by simply stating where a photo was taken. I am excited to get the books, and begin to read them. Also, I had my favorite holiday! Friday the 13th was great, I was off enabling me to watch everyone of the movies, then today I was able to spend a day with my wife. I cooked on the grill, I made chops and mashed potatoes.

Finally, I think I might have found a good schedule to stick to (which is in the photo below.) It states on what should be done, every day, and then gives you a reward, if you happen to get done with the list. I think the schedule will help me get on track, not only with writing, but also with bettering my grammar!

I am happy to have another week with you, and I hope you guys state for another week! Love you!



Dear small bloggers,
There are over a million writers that are trying to make it in this world. You are among those who are either starting out, or who haven’t been found by the crowd. Either way, you find that this journey is harder for you than you thought it would have been. You thought that your writing ability was enough to make you famous. But when you are one among a million, that ability isn’t enough. Becoming a famous writer is as hard as being drafted into the NBA.
Don’t think I am telling you this to discourage you, I want to be sure that you know this ride wont be an easy one. This is the best yet longest road that someone will travel, and remember that roads have rocks and occasionally roadblocks. This means that sometimes you will need to take a detour or be ready for a flat. This roadblocks are rejection, writers block, lack of motivation, or Stats.
Rejection is a part of writing. You will never find a famous writer that has never been rejected. There isn’t a writer out in the world that has it all figured out. The honest truth is this, not everyone will like what you have to say. Your opinion might not be what they want to hear, or your style of telling the truth, isn’t the way they want it. Rejection is a part of the career, so if you aren’t ready for rejection, don’t follow any dreams for right now.
Writers block was one of the biggest roadblocks for me. This was covered in one of my last post, which you should check out, but writers block nearly killed my career. This is the condition of not being able to think of what to writer or being able to complete a thought. I spent almost a year suffering from writers block, and it was miserable. I tried to do everything in my power to get out of the blockage, but nothing was working. I finally forced myself to continue to write, and one day the dam broke. This is when I felt the most alive.
Sometimes I feel unmotivated when I need to write. I have a job and a wife, so sometimes I don’t have the available time to sit down and write for hours. Then when I have the hours to write, I cant find the will to sit down and use that time for this blog. It isn’t that I don’t care, but more the fact that I work hard enough through the week, sometimes I want to take the time and catch up on; gaming, sleep, catching up with friends, and getting house cleaning done. I have found a pretty good flow with how I do things now, but there was a time in my life, where I would believe that every free second needed to be spent on this blog. When you are stressed though, it becomes hard to write when you have a thousand other things to do. You will have to find the balance to keep the motivation though.
Finally, Stats are nothing but numbers. You are a writer because you love to write, becoming famous means you get to do it for money. Remember this, You are a writer because you love to write! I can’t tell you how many people I know, that quit doing what they loved because they didn’t get the results fast. Rappers or musicians, writers, artist, and body builders will never explode in one month. You have to remember why you love to do what you do, if you don’t then you will quit! NF says this in his song titled “All I have;” “But that’s not the case because most of the times the artist you hear, you keep thinking the artist is new, but that artist has probably been at it for years.” If you are looking to explode overnight, then you will be sadly mistaken and will probably give up. You will have to prove yourself to get your shot. If that is being a independent writer or with a company, know this, you will have to spend a year to years working hard to get your shot. But don’t give up, numbers are numbers, sometimes the numbers suck but that is when you will need to remember why you are writing. You are a writer because you love to write, not because you want to be famous!
We are all in different parts of our careers, I have been a blogger for five-six years. The ride has been crazy, and sometimes I did quit but then I felt depressed because I wasn’t suppose to quit. I am a writer because I love to write, so quitting wasn’t an option, that is when I made my return. Somedays are still rough, it is hard to see single digit views, but that is when I work harder to get more views. That is what you have to do, take the failure and use it for your advantage, instead of letting it discourage you. Writing is something everyone wants to do, but it takes the strongest to survive in this crazy occupation, so never give up!


Impromtdude @

If I were to come up with the overall sum of time that I have spent in church into hours, I would say that I have sat in a pew for almost a full year by the age twenty-one. This is including all the Christian events, Sunday school, Vacation Bible school, Sunday services, Wednesday nights, and any other church event. Even with all that time in the church there was something else that made me the way I am today. There is one aspect that even as an Agonistic, I still cling to, not to stay close to God, but to stay close to myself. I have learned so much by reading this book. It has taught me that even at the end of my road, if I believe hard enough, I will make it.
This book is the Bible and I want to tell you guys that I still live by the books that were written 2000 years ago. See even though I don’t go to church and even though I am confused with religion, I can’t seem to let go of the bible. This is because even if you don’t believe in God, you can still get something out of reading one passage. As a Christian I found the most wisdom out of the book of Proverbs, and this was the book that I preached out of the most. It was because each time I would read a chapter, I would turn a simply three minute read into a three hour study. I wanted to get more out of the words than just a bandaid to my pain, I wanted to get better and this was the book for that. Here is an example:
“Let love and faithfulness never leave you: bind them around your neck.
  write them down on the tablet of your heart. Then you will win favor and
and a good name with God and man. -Proverbs 3:3,4”
With this one passage of Proverbs you can change your life for the better. If you think about it deep enough you can, that is. See when you show love to those around you and you live by love, the people around you will have to surrender to you. Meaning that if you treat people good then they will come to you more and will be willing to help you more often. That cosine’s with being faithful, not only to your lover but even to your job. If you show that you can be trusted, you will have favor in your relationships and jobs, leading to promotions and deeper love in your life. When you can be trusted, people rely on you more.
See without adding God into the equation, you can now change the way that you look at work, you can now show your boss that you can be trusted, and it will work. Soon you will see that you will no longer need to stress about being behind on bills, because as you show that you will do the work you will get more money from the ever ending promotions
I don’t go church, but I do read the bible. Its because even with all the doubt that I have in my mind about God, there is a lot of wisdom in the book that can help you shape up your life and become a better person! I read the bible to become a better person not a better Christian! You can too!