Posts Tagged ‘tiger’

I have a few reasons to love the Christmas times. Most of them are because of the food, but I have made a lit to show you the main top 10 reasons that I absolutely love this time of year. Take a seat, find your hot cocoa and enjoy my creative list. You will be mad if you miss out on knowing these! Enjoy!

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10. The amazing last minute gift shoppers. There’s nothing more heart melting than seeing people rush through Wal-Mart doors on Christmas eve, in search for the perfect gift for someone they love! I want to applaud when I see this, it truly shows that they love that person so much. Something that warms my heart more is when they are talking crap about the person they are shopping for. I’m glad that they are thoughtful and willing to give up their hard earned cash for a loved one, such spirit!

9. Snow. I couldn’t imagine Christmas without Snow! Oh wait, I live in Illinois. In the last few years we have had a ugly green Christmas. It always seems to snow in January, leaving Christmas without its beautiful white blanket! I demand that we get snow on Christmas eve, or I will kill Santa…Well, I will make Bart do it! But you still get the idea, right?

8.Christmas songs. This isn’t a joke. I really find Christmas music to be tasteful and in all ways…OVERPLAYED!!!!!! We love Christmas music, but please stop playing it at the end of November ‘til the end of February….I HAVE HAD ENOUGH….I hate going to the bathroom and while taking a healthy dump hearing “Joy to the world.” Aint nothing joyful about this…..

7. Holiday Pies from Mcdonalds……I don’t have to say anything else!!! I love those little bastards…..

6. Blogging for 12 days about Christmas/ Bart, The Reindeer on the desk. I love the 12 days I devote to this one topic. It’s fun to come up with ideas on what to write about, and every year I set off Christmas with this amazing idea. This year we brought a new friend in to help, his name is Bart. You will find him on Facebook as ‘Bart, The Reindeer On The Desk.’

5. Possible Tiger Penis. We have a present under the tree that looks like a Tiger Penis. I think Santa finally came through for me, this is amazing…..All I have ever wanted is under that tree….I’ll be so disappointed if I’m wrong…..

4. Giving is Key. Hey! I know it isn’t all about gifts, but I need everyone to know that giving isn’t as bad as you think. It is so nice to receive nice things, so you guys should take this advice and give me something really nice…Remember, Giving is key!!!

3. Family…Well, my doggy, wife and a few others….I don’t want to go outside on Christmas, so I will stay inside with my doggy and wife…anyone else that comes over is welcomed, but not really wanted….Call me a Grinch, screw you…XD

2. House Decorations. I really love to look at beautiful lights and yard decorations, especially at someone else’s expense, it is beautiful!! I think they are the real MVP. They waste all their money putting on a show, but they willingly do it,….I’m crying….one second.

1. Drivers….Oh how I love to drive in this weather, it’s such a dang joy. This isnt because of my driving, but more due to the other idiots on the road..It snowed less than an inch and three cars went off into the ditch…Like, HOW? I don’t want to deal with these people. Can I just stay inside forever?

Bonus: 11. That there are so many reasons that I have to make a bonus reason….That is the bonus…enjoy it.

I hope you enjoyed all my delightful reasons to love Christmas. I really love the holiday season, but I find it to also be stressful and hectic. These are two things that I don’t like together, and to add more chaos with dumb drivers makes it even more hard to love. But that is life….

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What would be a great gift to get me? I want everyone to know that I am not a picky guy, but I do want you to buy me something nice. I can always spot a dollar tree gift over a nice expensive Wal-Mart gift. I have an eye for this kind of thing, so don’t screw around! But seriously I don’t want much for Christmas, I just want everyone to be happy and love their family. With this being said; I know some of you are dying to get me a gift, which means I cant leave you out of the circle on what I want. Here is a very short/long Christmas list of things you can buy me. Know you can buy me whatever you want, but I wont like it as much…so why not just buy what’s on the list? Don’t be cheap.

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10. A Donald Trump hairpiece! They range from $3 to $29. Now, you could go cheap and get me the low end wig, but we all know what that brings. The stitches are cheap and probably will make my head itch. But I will let you decide. (Seriously, go with an expensive one….)

9. A tiger– You can go to Exoticanimalsforsale.net and find nothing, because they suck….But Havocscope.com will have what you’re looking for. Now, do know that Tigers usually go for $50,000. This is more than most of you will make in three lifetimes. Don’t fool yourself, you cant afford that….Hell you couldn’t even afford a dead one (they are $5,000,) so just continue down the line……
BTW a Tiger Penis cost $1,300.

8. Tim Tebow Jersey (signed)– Sportsmemorabilia.com has this listed for $926.99. I think everyone deserves to be treated like a king, so go ahead and treat yourself to buying me this piece of history, you deserve it!

7. Taylor Swift hoodie– a “Real men love Taylor Swift” shirt would go great with any other gift you get me. You can afford $20, I know you can! Please, I will love you forever!!!!

6. A Tiger Penis– The more I think about it, I think I want the penis of a Tiger; you know…for science of course. Just buy me a Tiger penis for the love of God.

5. God, himself! So I don’t think I can find this on the internet. You might need to get to a black market, but this would be an awesome gift for me. Could you imagine having God in your pocket?

4. All 7!!!! Dragon Balls– Daddy has a car payment, and I need the authentic dragon balls so I can wish for my car to be paid off. Or you can pay my car off…..which ever one works.

3. Friends– I think this item goes for $15 on Ebay but don’t feel pressured, you can buy the cheapo at the bottom of the list. Also, don’t express ship, I’m use to not having friends, I wont know what to do with them when I get them.

2. Bart’s wife– I think Bart is getting lonely. He is about the right age to get some Reindeer tail and I am tired of him humping his brothers leg, so please buy him a wife…It must be a girl reindeer. He likes them to have a white tail but black dots…booom, not racist!!!

1. A Browns/Bears win– You must buy both. I have faith that the Browns will win the Superbowl 51, but lately they have slipped back. I need this to change. They must win all the remaining games to be in the Superbowl, so can you buy me those wins? They might cost a lot, but you know how much that would mean to me? More than a Tiger penis! Okay, maybe not but it would come close!!!! Also a Bears win or a new Qb…..Mainly a new QB!

There you go, I gave you my list. I need all these items (especially #6!!!) by the end of the Christmas period. If you fail to do so, I will send Bart to hump your dirty leg!! He has a strong grip, so you better hurry!!! My address is 1010 E. Tiger Penis St. Bartville, Illinois. 69069. Thanks!.
Love you guys,
Impromtdude, Bart, Ginger, Francis, and Tiger (the tiger penis).

Impromtdude @ Facebook.com/impromtdude

The new hair

Posted: July 11, 2016 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

   I am feeling very fresh. Why? Well I’m glad you asked, it’s all because of my brand new hair cut! Before I had long shaggy, heavy hair, but now I have short, light, and cool hair. I haven’t had short hair in almost a year, and it’s been killing me. My hair has been getting in my eyes, falling on my shoulders, making my face itch, and making it feel like something on me, but now I don’t have to worry about that. I will now have no worry at work, because my hair’s too short to fall into food, and I won’t have to worry about my face itching during an order. But the best part of the whole thing, is the fact that I am the one who cut it.

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    I am very anal with haircuts, and will never step into a barber shop. I use to have my dad cut it, but I have grown out of his house, and now I am on my own. Also, he likes to cut my hair super short, but I no longer like having super short hair. When I moved out of his house, I tried having someone cut my hair, but they made it look like waves. I was pissed when I saw the results, so after I fixed it, I went out and bought my own clippers. Since then, I have been cutting my own hair. That way, if I mess up, I can’t blame it on anyone else and I know me better than anyone else.

    But this wasn’t always the same Blake. This Blake did like getting his hair cut, and allowed others to cut it, way back when. I was young, I was dumb, and I didn’t know what hair styles there were, but I knew that my dad always gave me a “flattop.” My dad offered to take me to the barber with him. I was young, so I told him that I would. I wasn’t planning on getting a haircut, nor did I want one. I was okay with my dad cutting my hair. I told him this, and he agreed. But after a hour of waiting in the barber shop, I was sold into getting a haircut. The barber asked “what would you want today?” I told him that I wanted a ‘flattop’ he said “okay.” After twenty minutes of this barber messing with my hair, he turned me around. My eyes were burning from the sight of this hairmess.

The flattop was too long, it didn’t seem that he cut anything off, I asked for him to cut more. He huffed and cut a little off, still not even close to what I wanted, but I knew he wasn’t going to keep cutting, so I said okay and got up. The bill was $15. $15!!!!! Are you serious! That’s a crap load of money for a shit job. I didn’t even get what I wanted. Since that day I haven’t stepped into a barber chair, I won’t either. If I’m going to pay someone that much, why not just buy the crap myself?
    That experience traumatized me, forever. I don’t want anyone touching my hair. I love every hair on my head, so why would I allow others to ruin my beauty? I say f$#k them, I’ll just do it myself. Though, I know there are great barbers, I still don’t want to have someone else to accidentally screw it up. So as you see, I cut it myself!

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On other hand, I had something come in the mail, yesterday. I have been shopping on ‘wish’ and recently bought a cute little gift. If you know me, you know I like to golf. Well, I found tees that meet my personality perfect.

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  Yes they are nude girl golfing tees, but they only cost me $1, so who is the real winner. Also, I can now “smash” a girl, and now get into trouble!

Impromtdude