Posts Tagged ‘saying’

What is happening and why is it happening again?

This always happens to me, I find some kind of happiness then it is sucked away. I over examine everything that I do in my life and usually over examine what other people say and do. People have done some things to me in my life, but it has never been as serious as I make it to be. Yeah, we could talk about my mother, but that isn’t what I am talking about. I am talking about the fact that people leave me behind and move on. They take me into the woods and leave me like an unwanted dog. I then have to find my way back home, praying that someone will eventually keep me in their home. This is just a thought, though. I am not alone, of course, but sometimes it feels like it. I have a wife, she is the best thing in my life, but sometimes I just want to have someone check in on me. I want a friend to check to make sure that I am fine, but that is wishful thinking, I guess. They stay for a few months, but everyone gets tired of ol’ Blake. They find someone better and will leave.

This is when things get worse for me. This is when anxiety gets into my veins and begin to rot my inner peace. I try to hold on.  It is hard to hold on to a sharp knife. The knife begins to cut your hand and eventually you will let go, this is what anxiety feels like. Anxiety for me has been a horrible battle. I am usually a pretty awesome guy, I want to make everyone happy (well most of the time) until the knife begins to cut, again. When the knife is pressed against my hand, I don’t want anyone to talk to me. I don’t want to go to work. I don’t want to be better, I just want to do what I have always done, slowly sink to the back of the room. It becomes harder to get out of this state, the more that I get into this kind of mood.

Recently, I have found myself in this state. I had to hide behind my crew, because I didn’t want to take any orders, I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I didn’t want to be at work, it was the last thing that I wanted to do. I push people away and make them feel like I hate them when I have this knife pressed against my hand. I tell people to leave and to never come back, but then I want to chase them down, but I have pride so I will sit back and watch them leave. The worst part is that I will blame them because they left. I pushed them into a battlefield, yet I will say that they shot the first bullet. I could understand why these people don’t want to be around me.

I wouldn’t want anyone to hurt me then blame me for them hurting me. I do get that, but I don’t understand why so many don’t want to be around me. I understand that I treat others like shit, but I am talking about those who I don’t even know. They walk out of my life, leaving me to wonder what I did wrong and how I can change myself. These people make me hate my life and then I get more depressed and push more people away.

My anxiety is horrible, I just want to be normal. I want to keep people near me and show others that I am not a creep or something in that nature. I think I am a good swing for those who want to be friends. I just want to know what is wrong with me. Anxiety is horrible. This is where I am right now, full of it. I might be trying to keep ahold of this knife, but I know that I am one nudge away from losing it. .

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Today I told myself that I would need to control myself to get through the day. I had to convince myself that I needed my job to save it from ending up in the garbage.
Today wasn’t my best day, from waking up until now, even at work, Where usually I am a very happy person. My day started with finding out that my phone is officially dead, leaving me without a phone to call people from. With that stressing me out, I had to go to work to spend hours listening to everything I do wrong, yes it has become that bad, I was not ready to arrive at work. But finally I convinced myself to go, and got up from my warm bed.
I got to work at 5:59, one minute until I was late, which has become a bad habit that I need to break. Especially since I have to pick up after certain people. One of my biggest pet peeves, is when someone cant finish their first priorities but then can go and do optional things, suc as soaking nozzles. You should only go out of your way if you are fully done with your close, which no one is ever that far ahead. Well when I got to work, I had to put the nozzles back on while being very tired, lets just say that I got soda in my eyes. That crap burns worse than icy hot on your genitals.
I simply wrote a friendly reminder that the soda nozzles only need to soak for one minute, then you put them back on. When my General manager saw the note, he called me back to the back and yelled at me, telling me that I need to not write notes. He refused to believe that these were the procedures. I kept myself down as much as I could, but I felt anger and depression filling my stomach, and when that happens, I lose control.
He backed off for a little while, but then started again, this time it wasn’t towards me. This time it was him talking to a new crew trainer about his future as a manager. This wasn’t the part that pissed me off, no the point that pissed me off was when he promised my position to him, well he would be my co-assistant, meaning he would be doing the same thing as me, but possibly making more money. So I told him I was going to quit soon.
My gm just nodded as I told him that I am looking for a new job, showing that he really doesn’t care about my position. Then to put a little cherry to the top of this hell sundae, he told me that my close was the worse he has seen in a while. I shook my head in disbelief, because if you have ever came into my store when I am working, the store looks good. He has been nitpicking every move that I have been making.
Today was just a slight freak out, but I am letting you guys know that, I started today saying I would control myself. I don’t know how long I will be able to keep this in, but I must admit that I feel sorry for who ever is in my way when I do.