Posts Tagged ‘SANTA’

Santa

Posted: December 17, 2018 in Creative Blogging
Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

Hello, my name is Santa. I have been watching you for the whole year and I am not impressed. I am not impressed one bit on how you have been acting. Those naughty pictures that I have seen you send, those shots I saw you down, the 50th person that you have laid with. I am not happy with your actions and I will not be sending you anything in the mail. You have crossed my path one too many times and I am done with you. I am a jolly man, but I will not tolerate you being ungrateful of all that I have done. I work year round to make sure you have nice things, and you can’t even give me one day of pureness? That’s sad. I want you to known that you were getting everything that you wanted, and I was going to throw in extra because I felt you deserved it, yet you disgraced my name.

The elves first told me about what you were doing. I gasped because that isn’t you. You would never do those things, but then they showed me proof and I was shocked. I will be sending three things to you that I wish you will cherish and use daily. These three things will bless you if you allow it to, but will not if you ignore their purpose. The three things are:

1. Promise ring I am sending you this to not make a promise with someone else, but instead, so you can make a promise to yourself. You have made yourself and your family look so bad, and I tihnk it is time that you change. Make the promise that you will allow your flower to bloom instead of making the mistake of giving everyone the smell. Stop allowing random gardeners to reap off the hard work that you put into making that flower special. Everyone does that, be different and be special. Promise yourself to a good person, not just the guy that helps you water the flower. When you meet the right gardener you will be blessed with the best seasons ever, but don’t try to force these seasons, for that will lead to an unfulfilling reap.

2. A dictionary You allow trash to come from your mouth, because you only allow trash to come into your body and spirit. A dictionary is just what you need. It will give you the knowledge and wisdom to not only say smart things but to also know when to shut up and walk away. Remember you don’t have to win every fight, some are not worth your time and make you look silly in the process. Every time you over react it makes you look stupid, so read! A book wont hurt you, so pick one up and learn from it. Also, stop using dumb slang words! You are a smart individual, so start acting like one! You don’t have a baby daddy, you have a father to your child, you aren’t lit, you aren’t plug, so shut up and read! It will help you!

3. The bible! Yes, I am Santa and I am putting God down as one of the things that I am sending you. This is because I know how important the faith is. The Bible will help you make good life decisions, it will help you be a better person and will hold you to a high standard. I personally read the bible daily and pray anytime I have a chance. I wasn’t always a jolly ole man, but when I saw the light, I knew that I had to run to it. I went from simply giving kids socks and shoes to giving the love of Christmas! You really need this and I hope you actually take time to check it out.

I love you guys so much. I have watched you all grow into strong young peeps, and I hope to see you grow more as you have kids yourself. Always hold your kids to a high standard and never let them waiver. Remember, you are always in control, it doesn’t matter if they wont stop screaming, you are in control. I pray that you love your gifts, even though you have been very naughty, and I will see you guys again, next time around.

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Santa is real
    You see the big man every year at the mall. He is always smiling and fixing his beard. He is ready for the photo. Say cheese! Snap! Next please!. He asks your child what he wants for Christmas, and tells you parents that don’t know what your kid likes. So gentle to those babies, that’s how Santa. Yet when kids get to a certain age we, as parents, have to tell them a lie. The lie that is so famous around this time of the year is that “Santa Claus is fake.” You parents want the full credit on the gifts that are stuffed under the tree. Why would you still the joy from the big mans heart.

    He has been taking out of Christmas, like Jesus was removed from Schools. But no one bats an eye. We act as if it is okay that we banned him. He has to pay the rental on his sleigh, just like we do for our cars. What if you lost your job? Feel bad yet? No? Fine. You know he also has a wife and reindeers? (this isn’t including Rudolph, he is on drugs) He has to feed those Elves also! So do me a favor and stop lying to the future of this generation. You are sick!

p.s. Stop eating Santas’ cookies!

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Dear Children,
Please take the advice above. Your parents are liars, I am actually real. I use to bring amazing gifts. But over the years the treats have disappeared and I cant feed myself anymore. Back in the day, I was able to feed the reindeer and myself, now I come back to Mrs. Claus with an empty stomach! It became such an issue that I had to leave my Santa days behind for a while, only because I was getting too skinny! But now, I am back to my fluffy self! Mrs. Claus is so amazing that she made sure to get me back to full fatness. Now that I am back please do me a favor. Stop EATING MY DAMN COOKIES@!!!!!!!
-Santa, bitches!

Impromtdude @ Facebook.com/impromtdude

Hi there, 

  How are you doing? I am glad to hear that. You must be excited for the holidays, I know I surely am! I can’t wait for the special day when we get to open presents! It’s going to be great this year. Would you like to know why? I really hope you said yes, or this might be awkward for you. 

  Oh crap! I always forget to tell people my name. Hello, my name is Lennon. I am currently one of the top Elves at the N. Pole. This is a great job because we get new jobs every year. This is what I have to talk to you about. Santa says that I need to “reach out” to promote what I do. This is where you’re needed. I am a sex slave and I need you to subscribe. 

  I need the numbers…it’s really freaking important. If I don’t the numbers, Santa says I can’t come inside. Do you know how cold it is here? Of course you don’t, it’s F…… Cold…. So please just take a second and give me a chance. I have a lot to offer! 

  You might want to know what I can do? Well I can bend all the way back, I can fetch, I’m a great singer, I have a sexy dancing body! I can do things with my tongue that even girls can’t do. Overall, I am a full package. Oh did I tell you I can clean, pay bills, and I’m great with children! I am what every single wants, so why not give me a flipping chance? 

   If you give me that one chance, I promise that you won’t want to give me back. It doesn’t even have to be about sex, I am warm blooded, so we can cuddle and you would love it! I think I’m selling it, let’s talk about the application and costs.
  For the applications; we only need your name, number, address, recent std test, and a valid credit card. All information is confidential and we shred it when you return me!!! No problem with saftey here:)
   Now, I know you are paying for Christmas, so I will give you a HUGE discount. Usually, I am $19.99 for 1month. But with it being so close to Christmas, I am going to pay for over 50%. You will only be paying $5.99 for the rest of this month and the entire month of January. That is a huge deal, one that you can’t pass up! What are you waiting for? Oh you need the number. That’s right!!!!  1-800-sex-elf1

Call, I will be waiting 😉

I love a good Christmas song, but I find they are bit too censored. That is why I thought of a few funny titles that could have been the title. Now, understand these aren’t for the faint of heart and shouldn’t be viewed if you are faint at heart. Either way, I hope you enjoy and I will see you, tomorrow!
12 days of Christmas: The screwed up Christmas songs!

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1. All I want for Christmas is you
a. All I want for Christmas is Beer and girl on girl porn.

2. Drummer Boy
a. Masturbating enthusiast practicing in public.

3. Oh, holy night
a. Oh, Holey underwear. Oh, stinky underwear.

4. Rocking around the Christmas Tree.
a. Rocking back and forth with two prostitutes and a bottle of Hennessey.

5. Last Christmas
a. Nothing Changed, I still got cheated on because I trusted the liar, again.

6. Ill be home for Christmas
a. Nog got to me, I’m at your mothers.

7. It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
a. She’s starting to look a lot like my ex miss.

8. Santa Baby
a. The tale of Santa’s baby momma.

9. Rudolph the red nose reindeer
a. Rudolph the coke snorting, delusional deer.

10. Frost the snowman
a. Frosty the dope man, all he wants is drugs and children…

11. Santa’s coming to town
a. Oh boy, he’s about to go down. 

12. Mary, did you know?
a. Mary, please lay off the dope. No one gets pregnant without sex!

This is pprobably the last funny post, ever. You should give it a like and I might make another one. I hope you have a good night and try to stay positive.
I love you,
Bart, Ginger, Francis, Impromtdude.
Peace!

Impromtdude @ Facebook.com/impromtdude


I love the Christmas season, or holiday season. The way that peoples eyes glitter in the presence of all their gifts and their loved ones warms my heart. The part that I love probably the most is the stockings. Who doesn’t want a sock full of wonderful small gifts?!? I love my stockings. This year I got one with the Letter “B” on it. That is because my name is Blake, well no crap right? Anyways I want to let everyone know what I expect in the stocking this year.

Hot sauce- Who couldn’t use hot sauce. I use hot sauce on everything! Even peanut butter and jelly. I use hot sauce in the shower. You name it and I use it there. But it has gotten expensive for the good stuff.

Any card games- I want you guys to know that I am actually a closet Yu-gi-oh player and recently I sold all of my cards, so I need you guys to buy me more. Pokémon is a option, but magic is not welcomed. I don’t get magic -.V

Surge- Only a few of you know about my crazy addiction to Surge. If you don’t know what Surge is, die! But anyways, I am talking kegs of Surge. If it wont fit, then wrap it! I am not that picky.

Money- I want all the money that you can give. I need it to play monopoly. I hide the good stuff up my sleeve during games in order to get the upper hand on my foes. So give me monopoly money!

Candy- If I don’t get kandy this Christmas this year, I will freaking cry. You really don’t want me to cry. Remember that giant flood back in New Orleans, that was because I didn’t get my candy.

Anything else that you can think of is welcomed, except fruit or veggies. I am not that healthy. So this Christmas I will be waiting!

Being an elf is hard sometimes

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    I was born to two amazing people thirty-two years ago. We spent most of our lives in a small town next to the north pole. As a child I wanted to be a part of the big man in the suit. My life would be complete if one day I was offered a job with Santa clause. I wouldn’t even care if the job was to wash his sleigh every year, that is all I want. I want to be able to say that the most magical man noticed me, I want my story to be like Rudolph’s.
In school I was always picked on, all due to the fact that I am a certified “Little person.” Yes I am only 3’2. I wasn’t able to play sports because I was too slow. My legs were too small for Basketball, and I couldn’t see above the lineman for football. I had no other talents other than art. But my dream to become an artist was cut short, my teacher was someone that hated “little people” so my art could be better than anyone else in the class, yet he would say that it wasn’t good enough. My final was a sculpture of Rudolph. The detail was so deep, I spent hours making the fur that a reindeer would have. I had faith that nothing would stop the teacher from giving me an A+.
I walked into the class room with the sculpture tightly in my arms. The whole day all of my friends were in Awe of the beauty of my talent. They were trying to buy it from me, but even the most money in the world wouldn’t be enough, this piece of art was for one purpose. The purpose was to get my teacher to overlook my physical being and see the heart that I had for art. I walked to my table, and jumped up on the seat, I was patiently waiting for the professor to tell me to present, but he never did. He skipped over me and went to the next person in line. I thought it was because he oversaw me, but as I started to believe that he wasn’t going to forget me. He began to teach the next lesson in class. This was after everyone in class had presented their projects. All thirty-five kids had their shot at fame in this class. But yet again, I was forgotten. But I wasn’t going to give up. I will have my five minutes of fame. But more, I will have my chance to hear the professor congratulate me on doing such a fine job.
“Sir, You forgot me.” My voice echoed off the walls, as the rest of the class stopped their group conversations. The teacher raised his eye-brow at me. He seemed to be irritated that I said something. But he simply rolled his eyes and lifted his hand at me. “Go, Rich. You have five minutes.” My heart began to sing a song of nervousness. There was a thunderstorm going through my body as I grabbed my sculpture and made my way to the podium. I got half way through the classroom before I felt the first sweat drop off my head onto my soggy arm. My hands were moist from the sweat, I began to lose grip off the statue, but before dropping it on the ground, I regained my composure.
I got to the podium and began to present the project to the class. They were truly in awe of the talent that was placed into this project. I heard the sounds of gasp that they were letting out as I told them the features of the reindeer. Such as the fact that it can move, or that the eyes blink. But the thing they loved the most was the detail of the fur. But I wasn’t satisfied still. I wanted to hear the teachers opinion. I looked towards his desk, and I saw what broke my heart, he was asleep. He quickly woke up and looked at me. “Are you done? Good!” He got up and wrote something on the letter and stuck it to my project. He then pushed me towards my chair. There was a tear that formed in the corner of my eye, it quickly rolled down my cheek.
I got back to my chair and opened up the letter that he placed on Rudolph. “Give up art, you have no style.” The words broke my heart, I wanted to leave the room, so I got up from my chair and grabbed the Reindeer off the desk. I got to the door before the teacher noticed. “Sit back down!” I had the door already open, but I was about to tell him how I felt. But I couldn’t speak so I turned back around to walk away. As I rotated to the door, the solid wood door slammed against me. Pieces of my hard work fell violently to the ground, breaking into smaller pieces. My eyes swelled in hatred as the waterworks fell from my eyes. I ran all the way home that day, crying the whole way home.
When I got home, I began to throw all of my older projects at the wall, but when it came to my most recent project, I stopped. I picked it up from my desk and looked in his eyes. “Santa, I wanted to make you proud. I made over a thousand toys, cookies, and gingerbread houses. This was all to gain your attention. I thought maybe if I made a Rudolph sculpture, I could be noticed by my teacher, which then could tell you about me. But he hated it. I don’t know what else I can do. I give up.”
As I said that my dream was over. The window to my room blew open with forceful snowy-winds that began to rip my posters off my wall. I tried to get up to the window, but I kept falling from the gusting winds. I fell hard to the ground, but as I was on my back, I looked up into the snow. The snow was forming a funnel cloud. I was in the middle of my first snow tornado. But as the winds began to swirl, the snow began to turn different colors. Then all of a sudden the winds stopped and the window slammed shut. I looked all around my room and saw nothing. But then as I looked back to the window, there my hero stood. Santa Clause was in my room, and he had a special message for me.
“Now Richy. I have always noticed you. I was just waiting for you to have faith in yourself as strong as the faith that you have in me. I have something special to ask you. You have great talent, and I need that this year. I lost a few of my elves to the shelves of America. I need a few magical elves that I can trust to deliver great toys. Will you help me?”
That night changed my life forever. I would like to say that I saved Christmas, but that is way to big for an elf to say. I helped majorly though, and now I have the right to say that I am Santa’s’ main elf. I just had to have faith in myself, something that I never had. That is all Santa wants, is a few young men and women to have faith in their selves.  You never know, maybe Santa needs you this year.

Impromtdude @ Facebook.com/impromtdude

Rudolph is on drugs!
         Rudolph has freely went to rehab for his cocaine addiction. Rudolph was found on his living room floor next to a line of white snow. The cops investigated the powder, and revealed to the public that it was in fact Cocaine. When asked about it Rudolph told the public that he was rejected for so long that he turned to cocaine. When asked if he had any sales, he admitted that he sold some to the Easter bunny. But no one was able to find his hole, cops reported that they will wait until May 1st 2016 to investigate him.

         Rudolph was chosen from Santa when he saved Christmas, but Santa even admitted that his light-red nose looked drug related, but he came at a good price. Santa takes full responsibility and has been charged with flying under the influence. He is now trying to make a deal with UPS to deliver the rest of the presents this year, since his license have been suspended. Santa will also spend one-seventy days in jail for the possession of cookie crumbs. This drug was found in his lab. He apologizes for all inconveniences.

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Impromtdude @ Facebook.com/impromtdude

Santa is real
         You see the big man every year at the mall. He is always smiling and fixing his beard. He is ready for the photo. Say cheese! Snap! Next please!. He asks your child what he wants for Christmas, and tells you parents that don’t know what your kid likes. So gentle to those babies, that’s how Santa. Yet when kids get to a certain age we, as parents, have to tell them a lie.
         The lie that is so famous around this time of the year is that “Santa Claus is fake.” You parents want the full credit on the gifts that are stuffed under the tree. Why would you still the joy from the big mans heart. He has been taking out of Christmas, like Jesus was removed from Schools. But no one bats an eye. We act as if it is okay that we banned him. He has to pay the rental on his sleigh, just like we do for our cars.
         What if you lost your job? Feel bad yet? No? Fine. You know he also has a wife and reindeers? (this isn’t including Rudolph, he is on drugs) He has to feed those Elfs also! So do me a favor and stop lying to the future of this generation. You are sick!

p.s. Stop eating Santas’ cookies!

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Impromtdude @ Facebook.com/impromtdude

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         My dad came down this last weekend, which put my wife into the mood for the holidays. This always includes putting up the dang Christmas tree. Last year, it took almost three hours to decorate the tree. I couldn’t get the lights to stay on the tree, I even watched videos on YouTube. I found out that I was putting the lights on wrong. I figured that I wasn’t suppose to tie the lights to the inner part of the tree, which is what I was doing. I wondered why the lights didn’t look like those on lifetime, Now I know.

        This year, my dad was excited to put up the tree with us. We decorated the whole living room with lights and  bulbs. Of course I had to gripe about my dad not fluffing the tree enough! It felt nice to decorate the house this year. With the house decorated, I can say that it feels like Christmas at the Jenkins house now. And my favorite part is that my dad put the lights on the tree this year, which means YouTube wasn’t needed. Sorry to those guys that specialize in those kind of videos.
The tree looks like this:

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Impromtdude @ Facebook.com/impromtdude

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Stocking stuffers
I love the Christmas season, or holiday season. The way that peoples eyes glitter in the presence of all their gifts and their loved ones warms my heart. The part that I love probably the most is the stockings. Who doesn’t want a sock full of wonderful small gifts?!? I love my stockings. This year I got one with the Letter “B” on it. That is because my name is Blake, well no crap right? Anyways I want to let everyone know what I expect in the stocking this year.

Hot sauce- Who couldn’t use hot sauce. I use hot sauce on everything! Even peanut butter and jelly. I use hot sauce in the shower. You name it and I use it there. But it has gotten expensive for the good stuff.

Any card games- I want you guys to know that I am actually a closet Yu-gi-oh player and recently I sold all of my cards, so I need you guys to buy me more. Pokémon is a option, but magic is not welcomed. I don’t get magic -.V

Surge- Only a few of you know about my crazy addiction to Surge. If you don’t know what Surge is, die! But anyways, I am talking kegs of Surge. If it wont fit, then wrap it! I am not that picky.

Money- I want all the money that you can give. I need it to play monopoly. I hide the good stuff up my sleeve during games in order to get the upper hand on my foes. So give me monopoly money!

Candy- If I don’t get kandy this Christmas this year, I will freaking cry. You really don’t want me to cry. Remember that giant flood back in New Orleans, that was because I didn’t get my candy.

Anything else that you can think of is welcomed, except fruit or veggies. I am not that healthy. So this Christmas I will be waiting!

Impromtdude @ Facebook.com/impromtdude