Posts Tagged ‘saddened’

A big disappointment!
I walked out of my workplace and to my car, it was a beautiful day. It was slightly raining, which is how I like it! We just got paid and I was ready to go spend some cash on a new laptop. The laptop was one that was written down due to overstock. With the computer being so cheap, My wife and I decided that both of us would get one, her for work and Netflix, and me for writing and porn. It was a great plan.
When we first saw the laptop, a few weeks back, we weren’t really wanting to spend the money so we told ourselves “oh next pay.” We thought that the laptops would still be on sale and that we would finally have something nice. So we get into our beat up Ford and drive over to the far-side Walmart. Though, not being a big fan of Walmart electronics, it was marked down low enough to snag it up with no true regrets. Also, it was a new laptop, why wouldn’t you get it?
We got to Wal-mart and walked in. I needed to buy some transmission fluid, so that was the first stop. We looked for a good few minutes, as we couldn’t find the transmission fluid, since it was beside a line of motor oil with the same label. After collecting a few bottles for the car, we rounded the corner into the electronics. Having a feeling that the laptop wouldn’t be there, I made a few other purchases first; we looked at the aux wires, the clearance for electronics and the movies. After our hearts were ready for disappointment, we walked over the laptops.
The laptop was there. It was a light blue HP with all the perks I want, but there was no price tag. I was confused, so I walked over to the other side where the other higher priced laptops sit. “How can I help you?” an employee asked. I explained to him that we wanted the light blue laptop and that it was recently discounted. He agreed that the laptop was a discounted item but that they had sold out of the product and they aren’t getting anymore in. He told me that they were at other stores, but they weren’t at the cheap price as here, which I knew. I was upset, the one  time I wanted something nice and had the money, it was gone? Just my luck.
It does seem like every time that something is going my way, something else has to happen to cause me to not get my way. It is like the universe doesn’t want me happy, so it will throw mountains in my way so that I stumble. Let me tell you, it is getting very annoying. I only want something nice, just once. But for now I will continue to write on my tablet and watch my porn on the T.V. (That is a joke!) Hopefully one day I can get something nice. I laugh and shut my tablet. 

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Impromtdude @ Facebook.com/impromtdude

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Am I a christian?
I have been doing a series called, Letters to the Chapel, which is a series that walks you guys through my time with Christ. This raises a question; am I a Christian? This is a very serious question, if you know my past. I spent a good part of my life in a pew. Growing up with a pastor for a dad, you were sort of forced into going, even if you were tired from staying up all night. I remember at 10 years old, I was in a rough time in my life, my mom was no longer in the picture, I recently had gotten out of foster care, putting me into the care of my father. When we moved in with my father, he had one rule, that was that we went back to church. I hated the idea of going to church. I didn’t believe that God would allow something, such as abuse, happen to his creation. I had a grudge with God, and I wasn’t about to go to church to solve it!
Even with much fighting, I lost the battle in not going to church. My dad wanted me to go, and that was the end of that argument. Now with much hate, in my heart, I sat in a pew with glazed-over eyes, as I tried to stay awake through the pastors boring speech about loving one and another. The pastor had no sense of humor and a mono voice. I found it very hard to stay awake through the sermon. But with time,  I began to get over that. I actually started enjoying the church, but then my dad wanted to change pace and go to another church.
The transition was very rough on me. I made some great friends at the last church, but that was all over. It was back to fighting my dad, about going to church. I remember purposely taking forever to get ready, hoping that he would say it was okay, and that we wouldn’t go. But that never worked, he always was up my butt about getting ready, and if he saw that I was taking longer than I should, he would call me out about it! The fight was over, I had lost. I had nothing else to do, than go with it. I was going to sit through the sermons, even if I didn’t want to. But as I went to the Sunday meetings, I realized this church was amazing.
It took me over 3-years to get used to getting up early, on Sundays. Once I got use to getting up early, I started to pay more attention in the church, and then I went to a youth ralley, on night. This was the night that I gave my life to Christ! This was an amazing night for me. I was sitting in the back of the building, and all of a sudden, two pastors came after me, and asked me to get prayed over. As they prayed over me, I felt something change on the inside, that night was the beginning of a wild 6 year-ride.
Fast forward six years later. After I got back from seminar, I was lost. I didn’t know what I wanted, or what god wanted. I couldn’t find a job in Missouri, forcing me back home to start over from scratch. With nothing going in my way, I started to search out for an answer. That is when my youth pastor introduced me to a college, in Lincoln. This was a pastoral college that lasted one-year, and would give you a degree in pastoral studies. This would give me a great opportunity to grow, as a person and a Christian. But with no money to pay for it, I decided to go against it, and I started to focus on church, alone. But then my life shifted.
Long-story-short, I met my wife. She was the light of my world, but there was a problem. She was having problems with her mom, and got kicked out of her home. She was forced into going to her aunts. She was scared of this house, she felt that someone was always watching her, and one night she felt her covers being removed from her. I told her that I would stay with her, until it all blew over, to give her a sense of security. But word got back to my church, and they weren’t happy. They told me that I couldn’t live this life, and teach their children. Then the pastor asked me if I would allow them to pray. But instead of praying for a good life, they prayed that my girlfriend and I broke up. When they prayed that, I decided to stop going to that church.
Now, I would like to say that I am a Christian, which I am, but I feel like I am a different type of Christian. The church is very corrupt in this day of age, most only want control, when they should focus on the love of Christ. That is why I decided to stop going to church, and focusing on a private relationship, with Christ. This eliminated a lot of my problems, and has allowed me to be more real with God. I wasn’t able to ask the Church certain questions, but now I can ask God those questions! So yes, I am a Christian, but I don’t believe in the church.

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Impromtdude @ Facebook.com/impromtdude

My fear
    This is about a fear that has slowly been growing, as the time goes on. This fear is one that I can not control, even if I wanted to. I cant control those who read this, I cant force people to be there for me. That is something that I have always had a problem with. I lose so many friends, my heart can’t take it anymore. Over the years, my friendliest has shrunk and shrunk, to the point I have a handful of friends, if even that. Everyone seems to want to leave, which prompts my fear of being alone one day.
    I have always had the fear of being alone, that no one will be there one day,  when I awake. I cant sleep at night, because I keep replaying the fact that I use to have so many friends, and now I sit at tables fully alone. I use to have a lot of people that use to care about me, yet now I am chopped liver to them. Maybe I was always chopped liver, but maybe they were hungry. I might only be good to people that need what I have, or maybe I have changed a lot and they cant accept it. Either way, I have seen that people have turned their back on me, sadly they are the same people that said they never would. They promised to be there for me, no matter the cost, yet when the prices went up they scrammed.
    I use to consider these people my family, I supped with them as they supped with me. I feel dishonored that I opened my house to them, yet they threw me out into the shed. I treated them with fine dinner ware full of the best roast, but they gave me noodles on a paper plate. I picked them out of the tub of water, yet when I was drowning, they poured their last bucket into the waves.
    I know this post isn’t like my other ones, but usually I am not hurt like this. I feel like I broke my back for those people, but they didn’t repay me. No! They left my side when I needed them the most. I haven’t heard from them, not even a post on my wall. I remember waking up, on other days, with over a hundred post on my Facebook wall. Lately, I haven’t heard from anyone, and when someone reached out, it was family friends as others were family members. I post on their walls, so why do I get disrespected like this. Why do I get to feel alone, a fear that is getting confirmed each day.
   I know that it shouldn’t matter, but to me it does. I hate to feel alone, but I still do. I feel that they wouldn’t mind if I were gone, or not. I pray that if you are reading this, we are friends. I wouldn’t want a stranger thinking this is who I am. I ensure you, I am a positive soul, just when you put time and energy into someone and they turn their back on you, you feel like you are worthless. I fear being alone, hopefully its only a fear……..

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Impromtdude @ Facebook.com/impromtdude