Posts Tagged ‘myself’

shallow focus photo of pink ceramic roses

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I wrote this letter when Ariel and I were first dating. We just got our own apartment together and were going through something, so I wrote this to her. I might not be the best person, but I know where my heart resides.

When you look into the mirror at times I don’t believe you see what I see.

When I look at your face I see true beauty! I also see the pain of a childhood that I wish I could take away but I can’t. If I could I would in a second, because you deserved so much better than what you got. I promise to always help you through the days that you feel the ugliest, because when you ask me what I think about you. My answer never changes. I think and know that you are the prettiest girl in this world. I wish one day you can look in the mirror and see what I have seen for the last 11 months!!!!

I walk up these stairs every day, yet I don’t see the just as a few pieces of wood. No I think of all the times we walk the same stairs to get to our cozy little room that we can officially call our own.

It makes me remember the day we came to this place to sign papers, knowing that it was official that we were living together. A lot has been said since then, but every night we go up these stairs, even if we are frustrated at each other, to fall asleep in each other’s arms. I treasure the chance to do this, especially with a princess like you babe!

One can say that love fades, but I find that to be a lie. We have been through a lot, more than most couples go through all their relationship. They would crumble under the weight of all the drama, hurt, past regrets, parental disagreements, threats, tears, and occasionally getting kicked out of your own house. But we lasted through the shit to see ourselves planning the most beautiful wedding in the history of marriage. I can’t wait for the day we can finally seal the deal and make our lives come fully together. To add another crazy ass to a family that’s crazy enough. It’s my pleasure to change your name. So when people say that love fades that’s just because they based their relationship on things that fade, but we based ours on things knowing that they would change and knowing we would have to adjust!!!

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Today will be a pretty simple post.canned

Today will be a quick (well not really) recap on one of my favorite nights, in a while. I want to tell you guys about my night, last night, and share with you why I think God is great and what to expect from me in the next few months, regarding content. It isn’t that my content will be changing, but with the connections that I was able to snag last night, I think we will be adding a few huge! Post to the mix up. Let’s get to the explosion!

I was stupid! That is easy to say if you know what I did two months ago. I was stupid then but I think I know better now. But the choices that you make in life have to be paid for. For my payment, I was set to pay 10 hours to the community, set by the nice judging himself. I was going to use those hours at Goodwill and just get it over quick. Something happened to where Goodwill flaked out, so I was left without a place to work. This is when my wonderful sister-in-law told me to contact her church, which is where I have been attending, well if you call 1 Wednesday, every other month, attending, then yeah its where I have been attending. I gave her mom a call and I got set up with the required 10 hours, which was going to be spent setting up for a concert/canned food drive. This concert was called “The Explosion,” and let me tell you, it was exactly what they said it was; an explosion!

I got to the church (King of Kings Christian Assembly: 520 S. Livingston St. Springfield, Illinois.) at 1:30 and was met by one of the nicest guys I have ever met. His name is Roddrick Lemar. He is a local artist that has so much talent. I fan girled, let me be freaking serious, when he started to play the piano, or was it an organ? Ah, whatever. It was so smooth, almost like when my grandma use to play her piano. It was so soothing. What made it better was that he was just as nice. He was headlining the show, yet he was there cleaning with me? That is a humble servant if you ask me. During the time of us cleaning, he was calling all his buddies, ensuring that they were going to come and get some of the radiation of the blast. I know he was playing that night, but I think his heart was more pulling towards helping the hungry. See, what was awesome about this event was that the admission was just 5 simple cans of canned goods. I feel like anyone in the world can find 5 cans of canned goods, which makes it a cake walk to come to this event. Also, all canned goods get donated to the local breadline, a service that feeds family’s that can’t afford to buy food, that’s awesome!!!

After cleaning, we began to talk about Roddrick’s future projects. I won’t spam in this post because omg we are already at 500 words, but I will let you know that we have some great stuff coming to you! We both are excited to work together and can’t wait to see what God does. Stay tuned my little Randoms! Oh! By the way, you guys have a new nickname; you are now my little Randoms. Love it? Ah, who cares; you will grow to love it.

Fast forward to 7P.M.; it’s the start of the show. I have spent the day meeting new people, enjoying the fellowship and drinking Starbucks. It was time for the freaking show, the encore, THE EXPLOSION. This concert had local and not so local talents. One guy came from Ohio, other came from ST. Loius. Long story short, these artists drove just to play at this certain show, but were they good? Let’s get to the numbers and check it out. I laugh at the fact that you guys thought there were numbers..Geez X3

There were a total of 5 listed artists on the poster, but then an added two once the show started, with the run total being 3 hours; that is a set list time of 25 minutes per artist.

The first artist was Melvin Campbell, which I had little to no time to watch, since I was still collecting the cans! But from what I heard, the guy had a great voice. I went to find him after the show to talk, but I couldn’t find him anywhere, which really sucks. Either way, BOOM LINK to his social media.

Artist dose! This was an in-house (added) musician, I think his name was Ryan, which was also during the time of collecting cans, so I am sorry if you are reading this Ryan (?) but know I was there in spirit. He was more of a gospel singer and man did he get the house to erupt. Everyone was dancing, shouting and just having a good time.

The third artist, PJae was the first artist, which I actually got to watch. He is local, I believe, and man does he have a voice. He only did 2 songs, but between those two songs, he was able to impress me. So much that I got his contact info, after the show, and I’ll be promoting him in the near future.

So the show was already halfway over, I believe it was already 8:30 p.m. and we still had 2 artist to go. Ntegrity was next (name is spelt that way, because he wants to leave himself out.) He is the one that traveled from St. Louis to play at this show. He was great, also funny. There was time to stall (tech issues), so he told 2 very corny jokes that made the house explode (see what I did there?) in laughter. He was smooth in his rap delivery and you could tell that he had God’s gift to do this. I loved his song “Precious,” which I tagged to his Spotify, check it out!

The final act was none other than Roddrick’s band, B.O.C. When I was talking to Roddrick, I thought he was a straight rapper, meaning he only rapped. This was not the case, tonight. His performance was something special. When I was in college, I got the chance to watch Chicago Mass Choir in person. It was such a blessing, because they were so talented, and really made gospel music fun. WELLLLLLLLL B.O.C was nothing short from that experience. If I could describe this band, I would say it was a blended delight of KB (rapper) and the Chicago Mass Choir. He takes the upbeat parts of gospel, and blends it together with rap, leaving us with the tastiest smoothie you could ever have. I saw more people dancing, during his set, than I did at my own high school prom. Also more sweat than a sauna, but who cares. Laugh, guys, laugh!

So all these artist, plus one lively Mc, which was a comedian that goes by the name of Justus Blessed (link to a live comedy sketch) helped to make this night a success. I counted like 74 people, I believe. Which was a great outcome since everyone brought more than 5 canned goods. I think I saw a guy bring in 48 cans of beans, by himself. But even at 5 cans per head, we are looking at 420 cans of food that will be donated on Monday! The breadline is going to be so happy, and think! We were able to feed hungry people in the area.

I am so happy that Goodwill fell through, because I wouldn’t have wanted to miss this night. There was so much talent in the room that even Kevin Durant wanted to join. We, of course, told him to go back to Golden State and make up to Green. With all joking aside, I wanted to thank everyone that helped by donating. I can’t wait to see the managers face on Monday when we drop these canned goods off. It’s going to be so heartwarming.

I wanted to end this by saying; I also got prayer, tonight. It was like the night that I got saved. I could feel God all around me. It was just the refreshment that I needed. I am starting to believe that I made that one wrong decision for a reason. I think I needed the wakeup call, so that God could use me in many ways. WE don’t have any more time to talk about it (as my editor is going to be mad at me for having this post as long as it is, but boom! Link to his page) but I will have a blog talking about that in the near future. Anyway, I love my little Randoms, and have a peachy night!

If you want to donate to the breadline, $20 dollars can feed 10 people! Boom! Link!

I don’t know what to say….
I am posting this blog from a train heading to another place. This land has gotten old and unlivable. I didn’t want to leave, but what else was I to do? This place has become so negative and full of hatred, so I decided that I didn’t need this. I hope that everything will be fine, which I’m sure it will be, so I can come back one day in order to live the rest of my life, but this wont be until things change. I need this change in my life…
Life is super difficult right now. I have never been this stressed and desensitized to the world, but lately that’s who I have become. I have become someone that I hate, someone that doesn’t care about anything. I don’t put my heart into anything, anymore. I have become a wall to those around me. This isn’t good because I have some pretty serious things coming up. I have a huge test at work, one that could really put us in a bad spot, I also have a few deadlines that are coming up, on top of that; I have to make sure my own are good, this being my wife and dog. I have so much on my plate, but I found the solution….
This is when I left, at night, and went to the train station. I had some cash from my check, enough to buy me a one-way ticket. I gladly gave up my money for a ticket out. I was told that I had to wait for the train, but that was okay, at least I was going to get out of this hell. I waited as the train came to a complete stop. The interior was slightly glum but it felt good to start over, knowing this was going to lead me to another paradise. I sat back and finally got to sleep a little.
When I woke up, it had been thirty minutes, and we weren’t even close. I pulled out my phone to see my wife called me. I gave her a call, mainly to tell her I left. When she answered she sounded scared. I quickly told her the truth and told her that I would be back soon, right after I found myself again. I heard sobbing through the line, knowing that she was crying, I tried to comfort her. She didn’t want to be comforted, she wanted me back! I explained why I couldn’t come back and told her that I will keep her posted. After minutes of debating, I simply hung up the phone and looked ahead. She didn’t try to call back and didn’t text me. I think I made her mad.
I do feel bad, but that doesn’t matter. I am at the end of the line and I know this is serious! I need to find myself before I try to put anyone else first. My future will be found on this trip, but I have to ask, will you guys be behind me? This train could get very lonely…

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Impromtdude @ Facebook.com/impromtdude

I am so original that I will post this original idea.
I have been watching a lot of YouTube, more than I really should be. There is this funny challenge going around, and all of the famous Youtubers have joined to do this challenge. The YouTuber “Nigahiga” came out with this challenge, as he was sick of all the diss tracks between other Youtubers. He formed this challenge to smooth over the heat, as now people were challenged to keep their hate for themselves. He then challenged a few of his friends to do so! I listened to some of the video and trust me, they were amazing! I especially loved ||SuperWomans||. This led me to think, I have a lot of friends, on Facebook, that have been dealing with life, and I thought that they could get their minds off their problems by doing this challenge. Now, the original idea was to rap, but since I can’t rap, I will simply write out my hatred for myself! I hope you enjoy. Also if you are reading this, you should do this challenge and tag me in it!

“Oh, look, you’re back at this, again. Don’t you know that no one cares, no one listens to your thoughts. You keep posting, hoping that one day you will get big, but you won’t. You have weak skills, you have lazy ideas, your grammar sucks, and you question yourself too much. You think you are great, but who confirms it? No one! That’s right, you keep begging for confirmation, you should just stop, pack up the bags and get out of town. You are not cut out to be a writer, heck you aren’t even cut out to finish this li…see you can’t even finish your thoughts. Is that why you keep going into a “Writers block”? Are you out of ideas? HAHA you are! I should have seen that coming, that’s why you always share previous work, hoping that you can come up with a good idea, but it never comes. You ran out of the magic years ago, that’s why no one stays around. Your dad is your own fan, how pathetic. He is the only one that comments on your blogs! If it weren’t for him, your blog would have less views than Hellen Keller. Wow, I just compared your blog to a great, when you don’t even deserve to be in the same category as dog poo. 

You should stop! You’re not an artist, should I rewind back to your music career? Even your own sister wouldn’t listen to your first album. She pushed that out of her car, saying she wasn’t in the mood. That’s how everyone feels, though. No one wants to be bothered by any of your work! I hope one day you will see this, and will learn that you suck. But you wont, you will keep fighting for views, using clickbait to get ahead of the game, only to get a flat tire. The grim reaper has come and you’re done. …Night, night. Oh wait, did I forget something? I did! I feel like you now….Lets go back to Facebook….Let’s talk about your 34 likes on the page. You have been helping others, yet they have more likes than you, how pathetic! You cry yourself to sleep, every night, hoping that you will wake up and have more of a following, then will get jealous when others are better than you. Keep being salty, because you will never be good enough…have a good career at McDonald’s…..bye….”

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This was simply for fun, I don’t feel this way at all. I actually love to see others grow. I hope you guys will join me, and share the love. I will love you forever if you give this a share!!!!

Impromtdude @ Facebook.com/impromtdude

I hate myself sometimes.
I am not the biggest fan of myself, every now and then. I actually hate myself most of the time, and the reason is simple; I get bored of something really easily, even if I am doing amazing at it. I have always had this problem, and it is something that has held me back in life, and in my dreams. I got bored with getting better with my Punting skills, I gave up on getting better with my guitar skills, and I have slowed down in my writing. I wouldn’t say this is due to boredom, but I wouldn’t know what to call it, so I will call it boredom.
I can never keep with one thing, long. I find myself going through a lot of phases, never getting great at everything, but staying average at everything. Its like if I got great at something, then I would get even more bored, and I would walk away from it. But if I take breaks from it, then I will always have to get better, killing more time and keeping the challenge in the hobby. This is why I have been slowing down on writing, well I think that’s the reason?
I saw myself slowing down on my writing career, when I started to get apparel. I was about to release a clothing line, new stickers, and many other things. This is when I started to feel myself pull back from the writing. It seemed that my mind knew that we were getting stuff done, and it got scared, stopping my body on a dime. I don’t know what is scary about blowing up, but it is a fear inside myself. I am legit scared to become someone in the writing world, that I will compromise my writing routine, disabling myself from becoming something. I just don’t know why its so scary. I would love to become famous, I would love for my writing to get noticed, and for it to be in newspapers, magazines, and various other outlets. I love the idea of the challenge, and would love for the idea to come into reality.
I am hoping that the fear will end, soon. I am forcing myself to write. I hate forcing myself to do something that I am hesitant to do, and would love to get over this, so I can start writing freely again. I would love some encouraging words, it really helps! Thank you, with your help, we will finally get over this!

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Impromtdude @ Facebook.com/impromtdude

What is on my mind?

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In a world that moves so fast paced, some question if their problem even matter, that person is me. I put myself under other people, in order to make them feel like they matter. This is great, but sometimes it can eliminate my passion to help myself. This leads to me being depressed, which leads to me not caring, that leads to depressing comments, ending with a long ride of pain and lack of motivation. It is very important to help people, but it is also very important to help yourself. That is what today is about, I stand back and think “What is on my mind?”

This will be a shorter post. I don’t want to go to deep in my mind, as it is a dark place, when you go too deep. This will barely scratch the surface of my mind, as I show you guys a short image of my thoughts. This might not be suitable for all audiences, or those faint at heart, with that being said, here we go!

I wake up every morning to go to work, there is never a day that I don’t get up early. It has become a part of my being. I have adapted quite easily to the sleep pattern, but my pattern has gotten off. I fell asleep after work one day, and didn’t get up until late, this was a night that I was needing to get sleep, for work the next morning. With my slumber coming too early, I was forced to stay up (by my body) and try to tire myself out. This didn’t work. I still, to this day, cant get to bed at a decent time. I keep getting tired too early and falling asleep. I don’t have to get up too early, tomorrow, so I am hoping to sleep in a little and finally get back on task.

Another thing, I have been hurting lately. My heart is weak, I have been battered for too long. I am not sure what is wrong, but I know that this isn’t the real me. I am not the guy in the mirror. I can’t stand the piece of shit I stare at in the mirror, anymore. I hate that I don’t have my life together, and that I am still in the same position, as I was last year. I thought that I was going to be doing something with this career, but I have gotten lazy. I used my vacation to get up on my writing, for what? I have stumbled back, and now I write my post the same day its going up. On top of all of that, I have stopped my “The good, the great, the best” project, this project was going to be used to get noticed, but I have been too lazy to get on the roll. I want to be a published writer, but I don’t deserve it!!!! I don’t deserve to have my name on anything, not with the lack of confidence I have in myself. How do I expect others to like my work, if I don’t even like it? What about my novel? I still have failed to start that, yeah I am doing great! I hate the fact that I have to live with myself. I hate the person inside, and I hope that he wakes the hell up, soon! I have no excuse anymore, I have to get this done. I have to put faith back in myself and get this career going. I want to get something out there, I just wish I had the same faith, in myself, as everyone has in me.

I am mad at myself, but I do seem to be getting back into this. I think I got burnt out, but that is no excuse. The writers block, or writers laziness, which ever one it is, it has to stop. I cant hold back anymore. This is my battle cry. This is when the lion stands up, out of his comfort zone, and lets out a powerful roar. This is my time. I am pulling out all the stops, and getting ready, getting ready to give this writing career my all, not worrying about what others think. This is my career, not theirs, its time to start taking it like that.

Impromtdude @ Facebook.com/impromtdude

If I were to give some advice right now, you would be listening to a man that just woke up and probably would get the worse advice ever. Lets take how I feel right now and take it into a classroom, a classroom full of kids that are trying to pick a college to apply for. My only job as John Stewart is to give them the best advice to take to college. But as I said before, I am tired and cranky so here is my advice:

1. Whatever you do in life you will become rich, so go cheap when finding a college.
2. Money will be tight at first, so my advice is to pull out all the student loans that you can.
3. You remember those student loans? They wont even remember you at the end, so go ahead and keep the money.
4. If you don’t want to waste your life, don’t go to college.
5. College is only for those who are really to stay up all night partying. No one studies in college.
6. If you find a girl you like, don’t hesitate to try to get with her, even if she says no.
7. You are going to hate your classes, so skip them, they give you the paperwork anyways.
8. If someone makes you mad, throw acid on their face.
9. If you decide to stay all four years, don’t! Its a waste of time
10. When you graduate, flick off the principal and give him the stone-cold stunner.

If I were to give you this advice would you take it? I know that if my student counselor would of told me these words of advice, I would have down better in college while I attended. But He didn’t and now I am here giving you guys some great whole-hearted advice that will make you excel as you go to college! Party Study on…….no Party on!

When I started this blog I figured it would crash after a few weeks, but I was wrong. There has always been an audience (sometimes small) that has been attracted to my post. I started to notice this when I started my old story “Night Crawler Journals,” so I decided for this to stay around until I saw that no one wanted to read my material anymore, that day never came, if anything I have received more traffic in the last two weeks than I ever did on my old blogs. But this post isn’t about my lack of faith in myself, it is about how I came up with the name.
I have noticed that most bloggers have their own name on their blog, but I am not one to go with the current, I liked to paddle up stream, even if it means I fail. With this being said, I was in a rut a week before I wanted to launch this blog on BlogSpot. I was so lost on what I wanted to call this random blog that was going to be full of ideas and material to get any writer out of writers block. With nothing coming to mind, I started to write names that came down in my head revolving around random subjects. The first few names were funny: Funny man, captain smiles, Random thunder. But none of these sounded right for the blog, so I thought harder on what was the closest thing to random without using the word “Random.” Finally it clicked to me, Impromtu is the act of doing something without being planned or rehearsed. That sounded right for someone that was going to be generating ideas on the fly to discuss, so I got the first part down, next was to finish the name.
I tried for a few minutes thinking about what could possibly go with impromptu, but literally nothing came to mind, so I started walking around my room talking to myself, calling myself all different types of things like: impromptu slayer, the impromptuer. These names weren’t ringing, so I got mad and shouted “Why don’t I just called myself Impromptuguy” Then it came to me like a wrecking ball with Miley Cyrus on it, I would then call myself Impromptudude, well that was until I tried to search for myself on Google. I made a Facebook before the blog to test how simple the name was to find. It was the third page when I finally found it, that wouldn’t work but I loved the name, again I was stuck. Then in the midst of changing the name to Impromptu slayer.
   I decided that instead of changing my name fully, why not misspell impromptu so it still carries the meaning but isn’t the same thing. That’s when I dropped the extra “P” and “Tu” making the name ring out loudly as “Impromtdude.” I absolutley loved the name but I wondered if it was going to be easily searched, so I did the search and there I was, the first story on Google. In that moment I became the blogger with a name, a pretty kick-ass name, that was going to shape this blog all together!

Today I told myself that I would need to control myself to get through the day. I had to convince myself that I needed my job to save it from ending up in the garbage.
Today wasn’t my best day, from waking up until now, even at work, Where usually I am a very happy person. My day started with finding out that my phone is officially dead, leaving me without a phone to call people from. With that stressing me out, I had to go to work to spend hours listening to everything I do wrong, yes it has become that bad, I was not ready to arrive at work. But finally I convinced myself to go, and got up from my warm bed.
I got to work at 5:59, one minute until I was late, which has become a bad habit that I need to break. Especially since I have to pick up after certain people. One of my biggest pet peeves, is when someone cant finish their first priorities but then can go and do optional things, suc as soaking nozzles. You should only go out of your way if you are fully done with your close, which no one is ever that far ahead. Well when I got to work, I had to put the nozzles back on while being very tired, lets just say that I got soda in my eyes. That crap burns worse than icy hot on your genitals.
I simply wrote a friendly reminder that the soda nozzles only need to soak for one minute, then you put them back on. When my General manager saw the note, he called me back to the back and yelled at me, telling me that I need to not write notes. He refused to believe that these were the procedures. I kept myself down as much as I could, but I felt anger and depression filling my stomach, and when that happens, I lose control.
He backed off for a little while, but then started again, this time it wasn’t towards me. This time it was him talking to a new crew trainer about his future as a manager. This wasn’t the part that pissed me off, no the point that pissed me off was when he promised my position to him, well he would be my co-assistant, meaning he would be doing the same thing as me, but possibly making more money. So I told him I was going to quit soon.
My gm just nodded as I told him that I am looking for a new job, showing that he really doesn’t care about my position. Then to put a little cherry to the top of this hell sundae, he told me that my close was the worse he has seen in a while. I shook my head in disbelief, because if you have ever came into my store when I am working, the store looks good. He has been nitpicking every move that I have been making.
Today was just a slight freak out, but I am letting you guys know that, I started today saying I would control myself. I don’t know how long I will be able to keep this in, but I must admit that I feel sorry for who ever is in my way when I do.