Posts Tagged ‘mind’

What is happening and why is it happening again?

This always happens to me, I find some kind of happiness then it is sucked away. I over examine everything that I do in my life and usually over examine what other people say and do. People have done some things to me in my life, but it has never been as serious as I make it to be. Yeah, we could talk about my mother, but that isn’t what I am talking about. I am talking about the fact that people leave me behind and move on. They take me into the woods and leave me like an unwanted dog. I then have to find my way back home, praying that someone will eventually keep me in their home. This is just a thought, though. I am not alone, of course, but sometimes it feels like it. I have a wife, she is the best thing in my life, but sometimes I just want to have someone check in on me. I want a friend to check to make sure that I am fine, but that is wishful thinking, I guess. They stay for a few months, but everyone gets tired of ol’ Blake. They find someone better and will leave.

This is when things get worse for me. This is when anxiety gets into my veins and begin to rot my inner peace. I try to hold on.  It is hard to hold on to a sharp knife. The knife begins to cut your hand and eventually you will let go, this is what anxiety feels like. Anxiety for me has been a horrible battle. I am usually a pretty awesome guy, I want to make everyone happy (well most of the time) until the knife begins to cut, again. When the knife is pressed against my hand, I don’t want anyone to talk to me. I don’t want to go to work. I don’t want to be better, I just want to do what I have always done, slowly sink to the back of the room. It becomes harder to get out of this state, the more that I get into this kind of mood.

Recently, I have found myself in this state. I had to hide behind my crew, because I didn’t want to take any orders, I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I didn’t want to be at work, it was the last thing that I wanted to do. I push people away and make them feel like I hate them when I have this knife pressed against my hand. I tell people to leave and to never come back, but then I want to chase them down, but I have pride so I will sit back and watch them leave. The worst part is that I will blame them because they left. I pushed them into a battlefield, yet I will say that they shot the first bullet. I could understand why these people don’t want to be around me.

I wouldn’t want anyone to hurt me then blame me for them hurting me. I do get that, but I don’t understand why so many don’t want to be around me. I understand that I treat others like shit, but I am talking about those who I don’t even know. They walk out of my life, leaving me to wonder what I did wrong and how I can change myself. These people make me hate my life and then I get more depressed and push more people away.

My anxiety is horrible, I just want to be normal. I want to keep people near me and show others that I am not a creep or something in that nature. I think I am a good swing for those who want to be friends. I just want to know what is wrong with me. Anxiety is horrible. This is where I am right now, full of it. I might be trying to keep ahold of this knife, but I know that I am one nudge away from losing it. .

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Impromtdude @ Facebook.com/impromtdude

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If I can be serious…

    There has been a lot of confusion in my life, lately. I am lost in my own dreams, and I don’t know what to do to get back. I haven’t been myself lately, many probably can tell. I don’t want to write as I use to. I don’t want to write, at all. I don’t have my heart in any of my recent post, also I can’t keep motivated to finish any of my blogs. I am tired of always trying to come up with great ideas, but also I am tired. I am tired of trying to explain myself, and making myself feel like I have a reason to feel the way I do. I don’t want to explain myself, but I feel like I need to. I know that you guys are there for me, but at the same time, who are you to be there for me. It isnt your job to hold my hand, during my troubles. I do appreciate it, but I know you don’t have to. But let me try to explain myself to you guys, and then I will end this blog.

     This journey is hard, it is an uphill battle. Writing was something that use to be a pure hobby for me, but somewhere in the middle, I made it my passion, not knowing what that was going to bring. I didn’t know that stress would come along with chasing a dream. But the stress is real, and it is something that I deal with every night of my life. Along with my work, I come home and want to give you guys my best. Some nights I find that it is super easy to write to you guys, but nights like last night come up, and writing is something that I don’t want to do, but I want to keep this streak going. I promised my friends and fans that I would post, everyday, and that is something that I don’t want to stop anytime soon. But with work being exxtra stressful, I have been super tired, every night, and since I don’t prewrite blogs anymore,  I find myself writing the post at 8pm, when it needed to be done by 7:30, so I rush, and when I rush,  I find that my blog isnt up to par; but in order to meet the deadline, I have to settle, then I stay up late, worrying that you guys are going to hate me. The next day is worse, because the stats are in.

When the numbers are up, I am happy, but when the stats are low, I start to get down on myself. Recently, the numbers have been steadily growing, causing much happiness. But that also is the worse part. I hate that when I am unable to put my heart into my work, that is when everyone wants to come to my blog. It sickens me, because that is the first impression that people get, and it isn’t a good one. It is like some girl, that you like, seeing you naked in the freezing cold. You know that you carry the pistol, but the winter breeze has caused it to turn into a shaggy bullet. Though that analogy was horrible, I hope you get the idea. I haven’t been producing the best material, so how can I expect anyone to get behind me? I surely wouldn’t want to, not after that horrible “Flash back to the past” post. I didn’t even know what I was saying during that post, but I know that it wasn’t suppose to go up that quick. That was a post that I was going to work on, then post it later this week, but I didn’t want to write, so I posted that piece of trash. I am sorry that you had to read that….

So, now you know that I have been having a horrible time, recently. But the worse part is what I have been promising. (Be prepared to hate me.) There is this great man. I know him from a prayer night, that we both attended, in the past. He is a great artist, and recently just signed a record deal. But before the flowers bloomed in his garden, this tiller came to me. He asked me to help water his ground, by promoting his work around town. I gave him a promise to get the interview ready, which I did, but after receiving the email, I told him that I would have the post up in three days. That was a week ago, and I still haven’t finished the post. I feel like complete shit, from the fact that I haven’t done anything with this post. I am usually really great with getting things done, and finishing them in a timely fashion. So, Kastle Li, if you are reading this. I am truly sorry. I shouldn’t keep you waiting, but I give you my word, that I am trying to get these things under control, and that I will have your post done, very soon. I am working on it, I just lost sight of myself. I know your not mad, but I am. I am very mad at myself.

I didn’t know that this would be the case. I didn’t know that my dream would become so stressful. I thought that all I needed was my great ability, but it is much more. It takes the patience’s of a saint, the heart of gold, and the will of God. I still have a huge road to drive down, in order to get where I need to be. But that’s the best part. The dream wouldn’t be worth living if it was easy. I would love to hear from you, tell me what I should write about!

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                        Real fast:

I want to thank someone very special to me. She has been a great fan, since she started following my blog. Her name is Angelica, and she is the sweetest fan, ever. Every time I post something, she is liking it, and commenting nice words. She is a great person, and I want to give her a quick shoutout. I love you, Angelica.  I hope you enjoy the future at Impromtstudios! Also, thanks to everyone else that likes my post, you guys are amazing. I hope to connect with you guys more, in the future!!!!!!! Thanks for your time!

Impromtdude @ Facebook.com/impromtdude

Back in the day, I never had a rough time writing. It was easy to write and to post, but lately, it has been hard.

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I feel like I don’t have anything new to say, I fear that this is going to end, but I haven’t done what I have wanted to. I haven’t written my novel, nor have I reached my blogging goals, so this can’t be it. This can’t be the end, I have so much potential, as a writer.

I am a wishful author. I never want to give up these dreams, and I am not trying to take a break, either. I don’t know what to do, though. I thought reading would help, and it has (to a point). I need motivation, again. I find, on my days off, I will only write one post, then I will go to sleep. I think it’s depression, lies that I am feeding myself, saying that I am nobody, and that I don’t have anything to say. I hope this is a hopeful uprising, and that I get back on the roll.

There is only so much time, in life. I can’t sit back, and waste it. No, that’s not me. I keep telling myself that I need to get up, but something inside is fighting me. The inner being is winning, he is taking me down. He feels my head with doubt, and it causes me to hate everything I write.

I look at my stats, and start to believe no one wants to read my material. I need to expand, but I keep telling myself that I’m wasting my time.

These are my thoughts, take them or leave them, I don’t care. If you aren’t there for me, then back off. I have other things to do.

I want to say thanks to my fans. I don’t want to disappoint you. I know you guys don’t want me to stop, but what if I do? I won’t accept that as an answer. I have to fight this, I have so much to say, I have to. I am young, my brain is always firing new ideas. I need to slow down and think about my ideas. This is my life, I’m the only one who can change my situation! Thanks for your support.

Impromtdude

                                                                                 

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                                                                                         If it is my mess, don’t clean it up!
         I come home from a long day at work. I want to spend a few hours writing. This is my routine, my routine never changes. But the moment I walked through the door I felt something wasn’t right. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but I knew something was out of place. My wife was sitting on the couch. My mother-in-law watching a video on her phone. I figured that I was freaking for no reason. I walked into the kitchen to get some brain food. After grabbing a snack from the shelf I came into the living room. I looked at my desk (in the corner) to see that someone put all the bills and newspapers coupons on top of my business space. I grabbed my chest, but luckily I got a grasp on myself. I almost cussed, this is how mad I was!
         I am one of those special beings that can leave a place a mess, but still know where everything is, but when someone else make the mess, that is when I get confused. I don’t know where they put my stuff. Not only do I lose where all of my stuff is, but I feel like my privacy is being invaded. I have personal notes on my desk. I also hold all of my secret blog ideas within the walls of my desk. These blog ideas are meant to be fully confidential until posted. Most of the time I won’t tell my wife what I am working on. I want all of my future post to be a surprise. There is nothing more annoying than someone ripping through my secrets, spoiling my surprises.
        I have been organizing my desk more frequently, in order to keep all of my secrets uncovered. This is to disable people from thinking they need to clean my stuff for me, or to think they can throw things on my desk. I want to be able to leave a lot of papers on my desk that have all my ideas on them, but as said before, I can’t put that much faith in this world to not steal my ideas. So I have been working on a new organization plan.
        I have a nine-shelve desk that I can use to store all my papers and tablet. But most of my space is taking up by a few needed things; My protein shakes, two Xboxes, laptop, tablet, gaming monitor, and games. But that still leaves five shelves that can be disposed of.
        Luckily I have three small shelves that I can use to place projects in. The first shelf is for project Ideas, or projects that were just thoughts that I never pursued, but still wanted to keep for a future day. The second shelf is for projects that I am in the middle of. With multiple projects going on at once it can become tough to keep it all together, yet it gets easier when you put all of the projects in their own protected sleeves!
         Then the final shelf is for the projects that I have completed. I classify anything that has been posted “Finished.” I don’t care if that son-of-a-gun is a part of a series it is finished. The rest of the series will be placed together when finished. No post will be removed from the finished pile, until I do my “Closing Post,” this is where I take a bit out of each post (from the whole year) and write a brand new post. I call it the “Blogs of the year.”

Impromtdude @ Facebook.com/impromtdude