Posts Tagged ‘me’

What is happening and why is it happening again?

This always happens to me, I find some kind of happiness then it is sucked away. I over examine everything that I do in my life and usually over examine what other people say and do. People have done some things to me in my life, but it has never been as serious as I make it to be. Yeah, we could talk about my mother, but that isn’t what I am talking about. I am talking about the fact that people leave me behind and move on. They take me into the woods and leave me like an unwanted dog. I then have to find my way back home, praying that someone will eventually keep me in their home. This is just a thought, though. I am not alone, of course, but sometimes it feels like it. I have a wife, she is the best thing in my life, but sometimes I just want to have someone check in on me. I want a friend to check to make sure that I am fine, but that is wishful thinking, I guess. They stay for a few months, but everyone gets tired of ol’ Blake. They find someone better and will leave.

This is when things get worse for me. This is when anxiety gets into my veins and begin to rot my inner peace. I try to hold on.  It is hard to hold on to a sharp knife. The knife begins to cut your hand and eventually you will let go, this is what anxiety feels like. Anxiety for me has been a horrible battle. I am usually a pretty awesome guy, I want to make everyone happy (well most of the time) until the knife begins to cut, again. When the knife is pressed against my hand, I don’t want anyone to talk to me. I don’t want to go to work. I don’t want to be better, I just want to do what I have always done, slowly sink to the back of the room. It becomes harder to get out of this state, the more that I get into this kind of mood.

Recently, I have found myself in this state. I had to hide behind my crew, because I didn’t want to take any orders, I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I didn’t want to be at work, it was the last thing that I wanted to do. I push people away and make them feel like I hate them when I have this knife pressed against my hand. I tell people to leave and to never come back, but then I want to chase them down, but I have pride so I will sit back and watch them leave. The worst part is that I will blame them because they left. I pushed them into a battlefield, yet I will say that they shot the first bullet. I could understand why these people don’t want to be around me.

I wouldn’t want anyone to hurt me then blame me for them hurting me. I do get that, but I don’t understand why so many don’t want to be around me. I understand that I treat others like shit, but I am talking about those who I don’t even know. They walk out of my life, leaving me to wonder what I did wrong and how I can change myself. These people make me hate my life and then I get more depressed and push more people away.

My anxiety is horrible, I just want to be normal. I want to keep people near me and show others that I am not a creep or something in that nature. I think I am a good swing for those who want to be friends. I just want to know what is wrong with me. Anxiety is horrible. This is where I am right now, full of it. I might be trying to keep ahold of this knife, but I know that I am one nudge away from losing it. .

image

Impromtdude @ Facebook.com/impromtdude

Whoo buddy! 2017 is finally here.

image

It is no longer 2016. We have turned the page and we are now looking towards the future. I’m glad to say that 2016 doesn’t have a tie on me anymore, because that year sucked. But, with faith, I believe 2017 will be the year for some amazing breakthroughs as addition to all the other amazing things that will happen. To make this year great, I want to actually make some resolutions. Resolutions for myself have never worked out. I always lose the paper and forget what I set myself out to do during the 365 days! This year, I am taking precaution and telling you guys. Feel free to keep me accountable to my goals, because I know it will be tough to complete all of these things. Lets get started.

10. Get the hell out of dodge. We (Ariel and I) are tired of this place. We have dealt with some nasty things in this house and I am done. Our landlord doesn’t want to take our complaints serious, even though there is mold in the walls, so we will show her. We will leave this place and finally buy our own house. I have been so stubborn with making that decision, but with the car accident happening, I don’t want to have to learn another “lesson” so it’s time to leave.

9. Cut Soda will be the hardest thing, ever. I love to drink MTN Dew and other various carbonated drinks, but honestly; that stuff is poison to your body. This is why I have made the decision to make tonight my last night with soda.

8. Eat healthier and taking care of my body more is just as important. I have falling off the deep-end and I don’t know how to swim. I really hate how I feel, so why not make the change? This comes with a better lifestyle. If I want to be fit then I will have to eat like a fit person.

7. Getting glasses. I know that I have needed glasses and I am going to do something about that now! I am going to a doctors office and I will be getting glasses. Life is about cherishing the small moments, but how can I cherish them if I can’t see them? I might be scared, but I need it done!

6. Surrounding myself with people that love me. My whole life I have been the man on the outside. It was a nice place to be because then it was harder to get hurt, but that life is sucky, also. This year, I want to spend time getting to know people, going out with people more, and embracing those who love me. Happiness is found in those who love you, its time to let those people in.

5. Read and write more is important. I have a thousand books, but I never read them. Stephen King says “A good writer is a good reader.” I can’t become the best writer if I refuse to read. Also, I need to  write more on my two novels. I keep saying I want to write a novel, yet I have two in the process. It is time to stop being lazy and get them written.

4. Be happier at work. I am a Debby downer when I am at work. One small thing happens and it ruins my mood. This has to change in 2017. I have to find that love for my job, or I might need to find a new job. Either way, I can’t be miserable at a place for the majority of the day, anymore. It is time to be happier!

3. Be nicer. Now, it is okay to be sarcastic, but I must also know when it’s gone too far. This year, I will learn to be nicer in certain situations, because I want people to like me, which cant happen if I’m being a complete asshole.

2. Achieve my goal in Special Effects. I said I wanted to eventually be a makeup artist at a haunted house. This is my first big milestone, so this year I want to achieve that. If that is all I do in special effects, that is okay with me!

1. Raise Impromtdude to the next level/Blogging for money has always been a dream. This dream will come true this year. I’m going to set my whole being to make sure this happens. I am tired of staying in the same place; it is time for a change. Get ready, 2017, its go time!

These are just a few of many goals. I have a lot planned for 2017 and I am ready to take it all on. There is no time to wait, anymore. I am ready to do great things. It is time to find my happiness in this world, more happiness than the day I met Ariel. It is time to find my purpose. Are you ready? If not, you better get ready because it is now 2017! Happy New Year!

Impromtdude @ Facebook.com/impromtdude

Christmas is over.

Thank goodness for Christmas being over. This season has brought nothing but stress and fights, but it is over guys! Now, we get to look forward to a new year! 2016 was a pretty crappy year, but I have a feeling that 2017 will be a whole lot better! Even with the year not being the best, I have to look back on some great things that did happen, then I will write a short goal for 2017. I do plan on doing a New Years resolution post, but that will be on Sunday!!!

In 2016, We started out strong here on Impromtdude. In March, we were able to buy our first domain. That is right, we went from Impromtmaster.wordpress.com to Impromtdude.com. It was a small but amazing step to take. This was followed by getting my first hoodie and T-shirt. We also were able to raise our stats, by having one of post do super amazing, followed by a few others. Though we did amazing, we did fall short in a few other places.

We were giving a reward for continuously posting, but then one day lost all of that for us. I was too late one night, which ended that streak. This was the first time in almost a year that I didn’t post. Since then, I have failed to post daily. Its just hard to live life and do great things, stuff that I will write about, and post a blog every night. On top of all of this, I was starting to feel like this was more of a chore than a passion. This is when I realized that I was posting for stats, not for readers enjoyment. This is when I took a little time off. I have been off and on since then. But that is no problem, we will get back. Sometimes you just need a break. On other news, we are going to fall short of 100 likes on Facebook, which is pretty upsetting. This is something that I am going to change soon, but for now we will watch as I have failed to reach that number…

Now, we will talk about 2017.

Nothing could be as bad as 2016. You might have had a good year, but no one else did. 2016 was the year that took a huge amount of celebrities, two of my cars, my sanity and much more. That is why I am excited to get this next year started. With the new year, there will be a new goal for Impromtdude. This is something that I want to get back to and will attempt to do so in the next 365 days.

In 2017, I would love to build off of what we started. We were able to get apparel last year, I want to build on that. This will include a huge amount of items such as; Hoodies, T-shirts, hats, caps, sweat pants and/or socks. Now, not all the items will be available, but I hope to have something more for my dedicated fans. To build my fan base I will be making business cards/magnets. This will help my blog grow by giving me an easy way to promote myself when in public. But there is more! In 2017, I will be stepping out more and connecting with other writers. I plan on helping some people with their writing, writing with other people, having people guess blog, and many other amazing things. You will be seeing a lot of new faces. This is the best way to stay fresh; keep your blog enticing, by adding new opinions and faces. 

There will be more to come, but for now this is it. I will go into more detail Sunday, but know that 2017 will be the year that will make or break this blog. I really hope you will take this ride with me, because I can’t do this without you guys.

Also, I got a new laptop, so that is exciting!!! And I am getting glasses once this year ends. I can’t see crap, anymore. I finally know it’s time to get glasses.

image

Impromtdude @ Facebook.com/impromtdude

Santa is real
    You see the big man every year at the mall. He is always smiling and fixing his beard. He is ready for the photo. Say cheese! Snap! Next please!. He asks your child what he wants for Christmas, and tells you parents that don’t know what your kid likes. So gentle to those babies, that’s how Santa. Yet when kids get to a certain age we, as parents, have to tell them a lie. The lie that is so famous around this time of the year is that “Santa Claus is fake.” You parents want the full credit on the gifts that are stuffed under the tree. Why would you still the joy from the big mans heart.

    He has been taking out of Christmas, like Jesus was removed from Schools. But no one bats an eye. We act as if it is okay that we banned him. He has to pay the rental on his sleigh, just like we do for our cars. What if you lost your job? Feel bad yet? No? Fine. You know he also has a wife and reindeers? (this isn’t including Rudolph, he is on drugs) He has to feed those Elves also! So do me a favor and stop lying to the future of this generation. You are sick!

p.s. Stop eating Santas’ cookies!

image

Dear Children,
Please take the advice above. Your parents are liars, I am actually real. I use to bring amazing gifts. But over the years the treats have disappeared and I cant feed myself anymore. Back in the day, I was able to feed the reindeer and myself, now I come back to Mrs. Claus with an empty stomach! It became such an issue that I had to leave my Santa days behind for a while, only because I was getting too skinny! But now, I am back to my fluffy self! Mrs. Claus is so amazing that she made sure to get me back to full fatness. Now that I am back please do me a favor. Stop EATING MY DAMN COOKIES@!!!!!!!
-Santa, bitches!

Impromtdude @ Facebook.com/impromtdude

What would be a great gift to get me? I want everyone to know that I am not a picky guy, but I do want you to buy me something nice. I can always spot a dollar tree gift over a nice expensive Wal-Mart gift. I have an eye for this kind of thing, so don’t screw around! But seriously I don’t want much for Christmas, I just want everyone to be happy and love their family. With this being said; I know some of you are dying to get me a gift, which means I cant leave you out of the circle on what I want. Here is a very short/long Christmas list of things you can buy me. Know you can buy me whatever you want, but I wont like it as much…so why not just buy what’s on the list? Don’t be cheap.

image

10. A Donald Trump hairpiece! They range from $3 to $29. Now, you could go cheap and get me the low end wig, but we all know what that brings. The stitches are cheap and probably will make my head itch. But I will let you decide. (Seriously, go with an expensive one….)

9. A tiger– You can go to Exoticanimalsforsale.net and find nothing, because they suck….But Havocscope.com will have what you’re looking for. Now, do know that Tigers usually go for $50,000. This is more than most of you will make in three lifetimes. Don’t fool yourself, you cant afford that….Hell you couldn’t even afford a dead one (they are $5,000,) so just continue down the line……
BTW a Tiger Penis cost $1,300.

8. Tim Tebow Jersey (signed)– Sportsmemorabilia.com has this listed for $926.99. I think everyone deserves to be treated like a king, so go ahead and treat yourself to buying me this piece of history, you deserve it!

7. Taylor Swift hoodie– a “Real men love Taylor Swift” shirt would go great with any other gift you get me. You can afford $20, I know you can! Please, I will love you forever!!!!

6. A Tiger Penis– The more I think about it, I think I want the penis of a Tiger; you know…for science of course. Just buy me a Tiger penis for the love of God.

5. God, himself! So I don’t think I can find this on the internet. You might need to get to a black market, but this would be an awesome gift for me. Could you imagine having God in your pocket?

4. All 7!!!! Dragon Balls– Daddy has a car payment, and I need the authentic dragon balls so I can wish for my car to be paid off. Or you can pay my car off…..which ever one works.

3. Friends– I think this item goes for $15 on Ebay but don’t feel pressured, you can buy the cheapo at the bottom of the list. Also, don’t express ship, I’m use to not having friends, I wont know what to do with them when I get them.

2. Bart’s wife– I think Bart is getting lonely. He is about the right age to get some Reindeer tail and I am tired of him humping his brothers leg, so please buy him a wife…It must be a girl reindeer. He likes them to have a white tail but black dots…booom, not racist!!!

1. A Browns/Bears win– You must buy both. I have faith that the Browns will win the Superbowl 51, but lately they have slipped back. I need this to change. They must win all the remaining games to be in the Superbowl, so can you buy me those wins? They might cost a lot, but you know how much that would mean to me? More than a Tiger penis! Okay, maybe not but it would come close!!!! Also a Bears win or a new Qb…..Mainly a new QB!

There you go, I gave you my list. I need all these items (especially #6!!!) by the end of the Christmas period. If you fail to do so, I will send Bart to hump your dirty leg!! He has a strong grip, so you better hurry!!! My address is 1010 E. Tiger Penis St. Bartville, Illinois. 69069. Thanks!.
Love you guys,
Impromtdude, Bart, Ginger, Francis, and Tiger (the tiger penis).

Impromtdude @ Facebook.com/impromtdude

This is an old post from my other blog, and it talks about my love for poetry. You should read it for fun, and I will be back tomorrow for week 9 picks! 

“Can you solve for me a mystery 
Of why things have to change 
Why is life so complicated 
Why can’t things stay the same”- Angela B.

This piece of work would have to be one of my favorite lines, in this poem titled “Change” Angela is dealing with the pain of having to change for a man. This line reached out to me as I read the poem one because it was the first lines, but also because it’s a personal request for someone to explain why we go through so much pain.

I honestly don’t remember any of the poems that we have studied in school, but I am sure that in Shakespeare we ventured into some kind of poetry.

When I think of the word poetry, the first word that comes to mind is “music.” Since I am a musician I use the same techniques as poets do. I form line by line to match the emotions that I have recently felt, or feeling. 

I do write poetry, I would say that my type of poetry is usually more of a love based. When I get into trouble with girls, such as crushes, breakups or “the friend zone” I turn to Poetry, this is mainly because in poetry you can hide so much emotion, while still getting the main feelings out.

When I write poems, I do let people read them; they have to be close to me. I do this because for one; it could be a good song idea! Second, I do it so that the person can take up on my mistakes of dating and maybe fix their own. The last reason why I let people read my poems is simply so someone knows how I feel. I do this a lot instead of just coming out and saying I am in pain ill keep quite. To break the silence I will write a poem or a song to express myself!

No fucking signal…Get this fixed.
It was a long night at work, it was beyond busy and I was excited to get off. I was enjoying some music on the way home thinking about my video game that I wanted to play. When I got home and plopped in the video game, I put my headphones in my phone and turned on YouTube. Soon after the game started, I looked down to see that my Wi-Fi wasn’t turned on. I tend to turn off my Wi-Fi at work, because Wal-Mart has a signal that is very weak and my phone usually connects to it, causing all my notifications to not pop up. I turned on my Wi-Fi and went back to watching the YouTube video. Moments later a message popped up. This message was telling me that my phones data was running out (easy way of saying my phone has used a lot of data) I was unsure on why my phone was showing me this, but I guess its because my broadband isn’t working? Like are you serious?

    I am disconnected from the Wi-Fi that I pay for. At&t U-verse has become one big joke. Their internet is slow, but that is okay for me. I just need this Wi-Fi to post my blog from my tablet, but right now I cant even do that. Now, I have to call these freaking people and listen to them tell me to do the same thing I just did, only for them to schedule a technician out, which wont happen until Monday, most likely! I don’t know how I am going to post, most likely I will have to make my phone a hotspot until I post my blog (Whoot, more DATA!) This has me so annoyed, I am sick of having to wait for people to fix their equipment, especially when I pay an arm and leg for the service. You would think that a phone service would have better internet and equipment, but nah, they don’t. This whole situation has me wanting to drop this service and go back to Comcast, even though they are rip-offs and super rude. I don’t know, All I know is that I am pissed and disconnected from the world, even while I pay the mass amounts of money to have such service…

   Not only am I restricted from posting my blogs, now I have to be very careful on what I do with my phone. My dad, Ariel and I have been sharing 20+ Gigs of data, which goes pretty fast between us. One major reason is that I love to listen to songs on YouTube while going to work or coming home. Now, I can’t self-consciously watch a video without feeling some regret for doing so. I love to type with music, but I can’t do that. I want to watch a few FX videos, but I fear the consumption, and I want to catch up on a few of my favorites, but I know that will bleed us dry. I am so pissed, I am, I am, I amm!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I wrote this and can’t even save it to my cloud because of no internet connection. I’m so annoyed…

image

Impromtdude @ Facebook.com/impromtdude

What if I have a diss post one day?
It is finally over! Drake bows down to Eminem, as he brings him out during a show to perform “Forever.” We all know that Eminem would have killed Drake, no matter what the game was. Eminem is truly one of the best, ever, and I don’t see him going anywhere. The feud was funny, though. It was funny to hear all of the rumors, knowing that Drake didn’t have beef with “The Rap God,” but its over now. With it ending, I started thinking, what if one day I caught beef with another blogger? I know I’m far from fame, but I see myself becoming someone big in the next few years…I truly do!
I am not a big fan of controversy, nor do I like to gain followers from drama. I try to keep this blog pretty neutral, in order to keep people happy. Then again, one day I might find myself in a perfect opportunity to gain a bunch of followers, and I would have a choice. Would I collect my chips, and piss people off, or would I stay neutral? The answer could be “Staying neutral,” but there is also the chance of it being the other way. The way that would gain fame, but also would also gain a few haters. Then the question is “what would happen?” How would I deal with the hater? And what would happen if they start beef?
The easy answer is “I would grill them like a pork chop!” I wouldn’t hold back while fighting them. I think I would take the Eminem path and would release a diss blog. The situation could be a small mix up, but that wouldn’t matter, if you mess with me expect to get a huge horn up the butt. They would rue the day they came against me. They would cry and probably make up some lies, trying to ruin my image, but I wouldn’t care. I would know that I am the best and that they are just babies. They would try to dethrone me, but nothing they could do would effect me. I am a rock solid beast and they would soon lose the battle. The battle would be over once I released my diss blog, in response to theirs. This would be so ruthless, their followers would need to buy Aloe for their third degree burns!
After the post, he would cry for me to remove it. As he is crying at my feet, I will take my foot and put it right up his butt! I would have no mercy while I go after his blog! Another blog would be posted, this one would be aimed to take him out, forever! This would reveal any dark secrets, lies, and anything dirty on his record. I would use everything to destroy his reputation, while laughing the whole time.
I am completely joking. I would never snoop into some ones secret life. I could see myself dipping into controversial topics, but not to gain more followers. This was never about the followers, that’s why I try to stay neutral. I don’t want to gain followers that way, I don’t want to get famous the same way everyone else does. I will get famous by doing what I have been doing, all this time, by posting my thoughts and funny materials. I will never change, either!
Sorry for wasting your time! XD

image

Impromtdude @ Facebook.com/impromtdude

Dear Passion,

image

I really miss you. The time that we have spent together is amazing, but where did you go? Why can’t I get back to you? You left me, you chose to leave my side and go on by yourself. I don’t understand why you left my side, but I don’t want to do this by myself, anymore. We use to be so close, you use to be my sidekick, but now you are a mere stranger. I don’t like how I feel without you, please come back.
This career isn’t going to take off without you. I simply can’t keep this dream going without, so hear my cry and come back. This dream was the biggest part of my life, now it is simply something I do out of habit. You make it easy, but now it is hard. It was a few months ago, you packed your bags and decided to leave my side. You saw me on my knees, I was begging you to stay, but you got in the car and left. I watched as your car disappeared in the horizon.
I was crushed when you left. You don’t realize what you do to me, you are the reason I live. You have taught me to live life to the fullest, and to never give up on my dreams, so how could you give up on me, you are such a hypocrite. You told me to stop giving up so quickly, but that’s what you did. You saw that I was starting to get weak and you decided to take the easy road. You left me when I needed you the most, you showed me how much of a coward you are. Even if you tried to come back, I don’t even think I want you back.
The worse part is that you don’t know what you did. You think that I am fine without you, and that you are the same. But the truth is, without you I have gotten lazy. I no longer try at work, home, or in my side businesses. You make me want to sleep, all day, no longer wanting to pursue my future or my family. Don’t you get this? Do you understand that you are the reason for this? Do you even care? I bet you don’t care. I can see you now, you are sitting in a hotel room. The room is dark, there is one tv on but the lights are off. Your eyes look over at the clock, its 12, it was another day without you going outside. You are no longer lively. No, now you sit in your own hell. You attempt to break out of this hell, but you have no where to go. The directions to home have been lost, you lost the way back to me. That is why I am so mad, because I never mattered to you, anyways. The best part is that I have been looking for you. I stand outside of the door, to the hotel, I want to knock but I can. The fear of you not wanting to help me freezes my body, I can’t move. That is when the door opens. You stand in front of me. I feel a hand on my shoulder, I look up to see that you are looking at me. Tear-stained eyes look into mine as you reach out for me. Your body tugs me closely to yours, you give me a huge hug. For the first time, in months, you are finally back inside me.
Thank you for coming back, now lets get to work. We have a lot of work to do!!!!!

Impromtdude @ Facebook.com/impromtdude

I am feeling this new change. I would like to tell you guys of the change, but I think will leave that for another blog. Today, I will tell you guys about what is happening. I want to tell you guys the effects of my decision, mainly to show you that it isn’t that bad. I haven’t found any bad from my choice, but I have found a lot has been changing. The fact that I am more confident, not only in writing but also during my work. I am happier, I feel a new happiness arising.

image

     During the last week, I found that I am smiling more, even when I am mad. But the best thing is that my blog is rising. The stats are finally where I want them to be. I wanted to push myself to the next level, but I didn’t know where that was, so I called out to get some help, that is when I found this man. He was a very cool guy, he was wearing a trench coat, as he sat on the bench next to my work. He smiled, like an old friend, when he saw me. He got up from the bench, came over to me and gave me an index card. I was unsure about the card, but the logo caught my eye. His logo resembled the top of the pyramid of the dollar bill, but I couldn’t think of it at the moment, so I nervously put the card in my back pocket and walked away. As I walked away I heard the man proclaim that he had the answer to my fears, and to call him when I got my mind together. I threw up my arm and walked away.
I wanted to throw away the post card, I really did, but something was calling me to it. I didn’t know what the man meant or what sick game he was playing, but he seemed to know what I was going through. This what the moment that I had to make the decision; Would I carry my own, chasing a dream that seemed impossible or would I call him for help. After hours of sleeping on it, I decided to give him a call. He told me the keys of receiving the ultimate attention to my blog. I was amazed by his knowledge, but he said that he needed me to give him something in return. I figured this was a way to get money, so I simply chuckled. He didn’t find it as funny as me and told me that it was serious. I asked him to tell me what he needed. I wasn’t ready to hear what he said, but I knew that I was too far now to step back, so I agreed.
After I made my choice, he told me that I had to write it in stone, revealing my decision to the whole world. Knowing that my dad was going to have a heart attack, I chose to post it on the day that I closed, at my store, in order to be away from my phone when he read it. I wrote the letter, and signed it with the blood of my body. I then said the magic words, and boom I was in the club. I was now a part of something bigger than my understanding. During all of this, I was too busy seeking the instant fame, that I forgot what I just gave away and what it could do to me if I allowed it to get out of control. I started to regret my decision, fearing what I was doing, until the stats started to pour in. My blog views are higher than last week, my likes are piling in, and people are interacting with me. I even feel happier. My job has been easier, also. Costumers are drawn to me and are allowing me to keep my cool by not being stupid. I am enjoying this whole change, I couldn’t imagine being happier, and it could only get better from here on out. I am glad that I met that guy, if it weren’t for him, I wouldn’t have the passion to write you guys, anymore. I love you guys, I beg you to not hate me for doing this. Please realize, I am just trying to live my dream.

image

(more…)