Posts Tagged ‘lonely’

Being anti-social is something that I deal with. I might have a blog that is doing okay, but that doesn’t dismiss the fact that I don’t like people. I don’t like to be in groups of people, nor do I like to be in big crowds of people. I’m uneasy to go into a public bathroom if I know it is packed. There is something about me that just doesn’t like to be around other humans. This has been an issue since I was a little kid, mostly after third grade, and has lasted up to now. Some think that it is hard to believe since I am also a blogger, which has me thinking; is the reason that I am failing, due to not being much of a peoples person?

Numbers are way down. Since I began this wonderful journey, I have noticed that I haven’t caught any type of current. It has always been a few views here and there. If we happen to catch a big current of fish, the water soon dries up, leaving me back with the tuna in a can. If I seem to get a fire going, the wind comes by and blows it out. I am unable to keep any fire going for long, which makes me think that I am a failing writer, one that should quit. The numbers are hard to cope with, but I know that I want to be a blogger. I have the passion to keep pushing forward, this is why I keep doing this. Most days, I wont even look at the stats. I know they aren’t pretty, but I keep telling myself to keep pushing on; hoping that one day this will all get better.

Today, I was with another manager. He was talking to me about customers and how we need to engage with them. This conversation got pushed into another direction, which ended up with us talking about convenient stores. He likes the personal interaction, where I like to get in, get my stuff, and exit through the self check-out. When asked why, I told him that I am very anti-social. With this being said, he told me that I couldn’t be anti-social if I have a blog. I stopped to think about that, because

I am very passionate when I write. I engage anyone who comments, and I try to reach out to all those who show interest; this all means that I am hiding behind this, as a social person or I am failing because I am not sociable enough. We could also say that I am actually social when it comes to this, yet hate people in person. Either way, I have to evaluate if I am failing because of this.

What if I am failing because of this? What if I am failing because I don’t like human interaction, is it something that I can fix? The Answer is yes. It is easy to get out of comfort zones if you love what you are doing. It might take some work, but it is definitely not hard to get out of this comfort. In order to get out, all i have to do is be more social able. This is something that I need to work on anyway, so it shouldn’t be a problem.

What he said really hit home. If I am wanting to be a manager or a blogger, I have to be more sociable with people. I cant live in a cocoon, forever, it doesn’t work like that. If you want to be successful in anything, then you have to open up to people and get them on your side. You have to show them the interest that you want back. You can  kiss any career goodbye if you don’t want to change that. I know what I need to work on; do you?  


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    Imagine walking down a long, dark tunnel. This tunnel resembles your life and the choices that you have made. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. The closer you get to the light, the more colder that the tunnel gets. You are freezing, but it gets worse. You are almost to the end, then it starts to pour water. You want to continue, but doubt gets to you. You don’t think that you can make it, so you stop. The light at the end of the tunnel becomes dim, then fades completely. This is what depression feels like. At first, you are strong, but then the weight of the world falls onto your shoulders. You want to carry on, but the hope is no longer driving you. You begin to feel alone and eventually you give up.


   350 million people are affected by depression worldwide. This is 5% of the whole world. Of the U.S.A we are looking at 16 million civilians that suffer from feeling alone or not good enough. People are likely to be depressed because of Brain chemistry, Hormones, genetics and/or personal risk factors, which include: Low self-esteem, physical or sexual abuse, diabetes or other major health factors, alcohol or drug abuse, medication side-effects, also the history of their family can play a big part in their health. Women are also more likely to suffer from depression than men are.

   Suffering from depression can really hold someone down and make their life unbearable. If the feeling of being alone isn’t enough, there are other effects that depression will cause. These effects consist of becoming angry easily, not being able to control your anger, anxiety issues, loss of interest in something that you love to do, being stuck in the past, and having suicidal thoughts. This becomes hard to live a life when you have no passion to do anything, especially the hobbies that you use to love to participate in.  With no interest in doing anything, one could only imagine what negative effects this will have on the body. There are a huge amount of additional effects that bring harm to your body, and should not be ignored.
   The physical effects are pretty serious and are usually easy to spot. This is why they ask you to keep an eye for these things. Insomnia, fatigue, and random aches and pains might be hard to catch, as the person might not speak up about it. But you might be able to catch these next few things easier. Weight gain/loss in a rapid form. You will be able to catch if someone is losing a lot of weight (or gaining) quickly. Increase or decrease in appetite should also be easy to catch on to. Also, they could have a hard time concentrating. If the person is big into art, but can’t find time to concentrate on art, then youmight want to talk to them. This is a pretty huge deal, because the next sign is more dangerous; cutting/self harm. You will be able to see the marks (sometimes not so easily) but this shouldn’t be taken lightly. If you ever find someone is cutting, you need to talk them into getting help, immediately.

  Being a friend to a person with depression can be hard, but God gives us help in his word. Three scriptures stood out to me today, all of them pointed to this topic. These scriptures can guide you to help those in need, or they can help you as you fight depression, yourself. The first Scripture was

Deuteronomy 31:8 “The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”

Psalms 34:17 “The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles.”

1 Peter 5: 6-7 “Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.”

   God will never leave his people. He is always there for you, all you have to do is cry out for him. He knows that you are not strong enough to face the giants, alone, that is why he is there with you. You must first humble yourself, then you and God will be able to escape the feeling of world being on your shoulders. But, remember, as the children of God, it is also our job to go out and help those in need. We have to watch for the signs. Suicide is a huge problem, but with our kind hearts, we could change all of that! It is time for us to help those in need. It is our time to stand with those who feel alone.

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What is really hurting me is that people are hurting. This is the season for everyone to come together and feel loved. Christmas is about getting together with your loved ones and enjoying each others company as you celebrate. It doesn’t matter your beliefs, it doesn’t matter about money, all that matters is that you are together. Christmas is suppose to be about love, so why is everyone having such a rough time? Why do I see more depression and broken hearts, more death and a lot more negativity? Is it my set of friends or is everyone having a horrible season of holidays? Either way, what can we do?

I am a huge Facebook user, and each day I sign in and spend hours looking through post. I like to keep up with old friends, that I don’t usually talk to. I also like to share in special memories of others, such as babies, new cars, and much more. One of the biggest things I love to read are praises or small things that make peoples lives awesome. Recently, I found out that a close friend went on a prayer walk, one to get himself closer to God. He had a great time and got a lot from it. These little things make me so happy, then we also have those post about a girl that can’t take life anymore, these post are what get me upset.

Where, in life, do we find ourselves in so much pain that we have nothing to live for? I remember laughing and having a great time, as a child. Yet, somewhere we were giving a curse of depression? When did life get so hard? I’m not sure, but it is a huge problem.

We are talking about MILLIONS of people that suffer from depression. These are people that feel unwanted, abused, torn, worn, and alone. At one time, these people were happy, but something happened to where they fell and hit rock bottom. One of the main reasons is death. Everyone has lost someone due to death, it is the cycle of life, but that doesn’t mean it is easy. A death in the family can tear apart the most perfect relationships. A death as a mother can leave children broken for life, making it hard for them to even get through the day. Other reasons for depression can be; Failed classes, failed dreams, breakups, being ignored, loss of friends, money problems, and bullying. The list can go on for hours, but that isn’t the point. The point is; we have the chance to change this, by simply being there for them during the hard times!

I don’t want to see anyone hurting, especially during the holiday seasons. We are meant to be happy individuals, so what can we do? The answer is simple; we need to show them that they are loved. This doesn’t have to be a big gesture, it can as simple as texting them and telling them you love them, or inviting them over to your house for dinner. The smallest gestures can help tremendously. People just want to be wanted. They want to know that you are thinking about them. This is why Bart and I are sending out love!

I want to call this “Love for Christmas; A Better Gift.” This is where I will try to find those who are hurting and I will let them know that I am thinking about them! Bart (My Christmas Stuffed Animal) will write everyone (in pain) a small note, informing that person that they aren’t alone. I don’t know if this will help, but I have to do something. I think everyone of you guys should do the same. Write a small note to those you love, telling them that you are thinking of them, praying for them, or that you love them. It doesn’t have to be a long message, but I promise it will mean the world to those in pain. This Christmas, we need to let everyone know that we are together, as one, to celebrate. Will you do it?


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My fear
    This is about a fear that has slowly been growing, as the time goes on. This fear is one that I can not control, even if I wanted to. I cant control those who read this, I cant force people to be there for me. That is something that I have always had a problem with. I lose so many friends, my heart can’t take it anymore. Over the years, my friendliest has shrunk and shrunk, to the point I have a handful of friends, if even that. Everyone seems to want to leave, which prompts my fear of being alone one day.
    I have always had the fear of being alone, that no one will be there one day,  when I awake. I cant sleep at night, because I keep replaying the fact that I use to have so many friends, and now I sit at tables fully alone. I use to have a lot of people that use to care about me, yet now I am chopped liver to them. Maybe I was always chopped liver, but maybe they were hungry. I might only be good to people that need what I have, or maybe I have changed a lot and they cant accept it. Either way, I have seen that people have turned their back on me, sadly they are the same people that said they never would. They promised to be there for me, no matter the cost, yet when the prices went up they scrammed.
    I use to consider these people my family, I supped with them as they supped with me. I feel dishonored that I opened my house to them, yet they threw me out into the shed. I treated them with fine dinner ware full of the best roast, but they gave me noodles on a paper plate. I picked them out of the tub of water, yet when I was drowning, they poured their last bucket into the waves.
    I know this post isn’t like my other ones, but usually I am not hurt like this. I feel like I broke my back for those people, but they didn’t repay me. No! They left my side when I needed them the most. I haven’t heard from them, not even a post on my wall. I remember waking up, on other days, with over a hundred post on my Facebook wall. Lately, I haven’t heard from anyone, and when someone reached out, it was family friends as others were family members. I post on their walls, so why do I get disrespected like this. Why do I get to feel alone, a fear that is getting confirmed each day.
   I know that it shouldn’t matter, but to me it does. I hate to feel alone, but I still do. I feel that they wouldn’t mind if I were gone, or not. I pray that if you are reading this, we are friends. I wouldn’t want a stranger thinking this is who I am. I ensure you, I am a positive soul, just when you put time and energy into someone and they turn their back on you, you feel like you are worthless. I fear being alone, hopefully its only a fear……..


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I was a catfish back in the day.


I was 11 years old when I began my career as a catfish. I use to spend nights on Yahoo games, shooting pool with people I didn’t know. There is a chat room that is connected to the game, so that’s where I would pick up my chicks. The conversation would start in a friendly game of pool, and end up in Yahoo messenger. I met some amazing people with this tactic, but also hurt a lot of people with my lies.

I would see a picture of an older girl, and would know that she wouldn’t talk to a eleven-year-old. So I would lie to the girl in order for her to talk to me. I would get a picture off of the internet, of a jock with sexy abs and big muscles, and it would work. The girl would buy it, and would spill her heart out to me, thinking that I was someone I was not.

I tallied up about thirty girls in the summer. Each night was the same, I would wait for everyone to go to bed, then I would sign on and try to get girls to talk to me, while keeping the contacts from former nights. Each night I would meet a new girl and we would stay up all night talking. I would feel so cool when the girl would tell me that I was the guy she was looking for. I was getting four-six of these messages a night. I was making all these girls fall for someone that didn’t exist.

I was chatting with a few girls, one day, when one of the girls broke down. She was being abused and told me that she wanted to leave. She was begging for me to help her, to come and get her out of the situation. I told her that my car was broke down, and that I would have find a way, which was a lie. I didn’t have any intention of helping her, but this was the game, to get every girl to fall for me. Little did I know, this was a serious life, and that this could of led to her being hurt. That was the last time that I talked to her. Someday, I think about her, and will beat myself up. I could have helped her, only if I was honest.

When I couldn’t get a hold of her, I started to wake up to the consequences of my actions. My actions possibly hurt this girl, and if she died it was my fault. I thought about all of the girls that I was talking to, and for the first time, I saw it differently. I actually saw the girls for who they were, it wasn’t about a number now. I was tired of lying, and I knew what I needed to do.

I got on my messenger and messaged every girl that was online, each message was written for the specific girl. I told each of them the truth. I told them my real age, and how I lied to get noticed. The majority of the girls were mad, which was understandable, they would then block me. But something happened that day, something that made me feel good about my decision. One of the girls responded, and told me that she was also lying about her age.

I was shocked when I opened the message, to see that other people were out there, doing the same thing as me. I began to talk to her about why she was doing it, she told me that she was feeling alone, and that no one ever notices her. She was 15, but told people she was 21. I told her about why I wanted to tell the truth. She responded very well to the story, and expressed how amazing it was that I told the truth, but that didn’t help how I felt. I still lied to the girl that needed help. But she had an answer for that also, she said:

“I know what you did was wrong, and you shouldn’t of did it, but people make dumb choices. The only thing that you can do is not do it again. You know the consequences of your actions, and now you get to make the decision. You can now go on with your life, and make the world a better place. It is better that you figured out this now, than later. All will be okay, just pray she’s okay.”

I ended that conversation after three hours of talking. We ended up becoming good friends through messenger, sometimes I wish I could go back and talk to her, but she deleted the account. I like to think that was a way to get me to stop catfishing girls, and it did. The girl opened my eyes to see, this was going to be a lesson. From that day, I have never lied about my age again, I know there is way to much at stake.

Remember, every action you make has a ripple effect. You might not see it, but that doesn’t mean no one was effected. So if you find yourself lying to get ahead in life, remember that someone will be effected, and one day it will catch up with you. Is it worth the pain, you cause others?

Impromtdude @

I posted a passage for my dad yesterday. Now there is something in my chest that says I need to ask someone special, a question. I have done a post like this in the past, but it wasn’t tagged with her name in it, so today I will tag her in this blog, and hopefully she will respond. Hopefully I will get answers to the questions that I will ask her, today. If she doesn’t respond then I will move on, but if by chance she answers, I will receive the answers finally. I will be content with what she says, no matter what, because a fake answer is better than nothing at all. This might be hard to write, so please read from my P.O.V.


Dear Mom,

When did you leave? I was ten years old, it was the end of fourth grade. I was failing everything, but the thing I hated the most was failing you, or thinking that way. I never felt good enough when I was around you. I couldn’t stand seeing you struggle with the pains in life, being a single mom must have been hard. We were always moving, which always kept my heart broken, because I could never call a place “Home.” I use to blame you for this, but now I realize you were sick. You didn’t know how to be alone, your priorities were out of place.

     I remember having over three hundred dollars in a jar, which was for you to go see a man in prison. This was the same time that we had no food in our home. This was the same time that we didn’t have hot water. I would get made fun of in school for how I smelt. I didn’t want to go to school because of the looks that kids would give me. I thought being bullied was a part of life through all of this, because that is all I ever knew. But you only cared about getting money for your boyfriend. What I can’t get over is that you missed my biggest accomplishments. I graduated twice, got my first car, job, and got married. These were the biggest events that I wanted you to come to, it hurts that you didn’t!  I can get over this to say that I miss and love you.
I want to know the answer to these few questions. I need the answers to be sincere and not full of hate. The last time I asked you these questions, your only answer was “Your father.” That isn’t a proper answer, because you were the one to leave, he wasn’t. Please take this seriously, this is me at my most venerable. I searched 10 years for you, I paid a website to find you, but there was no results, well no updated answers anyways. You moved a lot, but one day you came back.

Why did it take you ten years to come back in my life?

Why did you wait a decade to find your kids?

What did you do in that ten years?

Were you scared that we would hate you?

Did you cry yourself to sleep, like I did every night in foster care?

My father was there for me, why did you make me hate my father so much? He isn’t the man that you made him out to be. Mom, why weren’t you a parent to me and my siblings? I don’t see how a woman that gave birth, could just leave like you did! I have some unhealed wounds, and hopefully this wont make more. But It hurts me to not know what happened. If you don’t answer, I will move on, but don’t make me do that please. My heart is open for a relationship. People say I shouldn’t give you a chance, but that is crazy. You were sick and now I know, that is the woman that you will be. But I would rather have a mother that is sick, then to not have someone there. You messed up, but there will be a time that you nor dad will be here, and I don’t want you to be absent from my life for much longer. You are my mother, and I love you. I miss you, please write back!

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