Posts Tagged ‘just’

What is happening and why is it happening again?

This always happens to me, I find some kind of happiness then it is sucked away. I over examine everything that I do in my life and usually over examine what other people say and do. People have done some things to me in my life, but it has never been as serious as I make it to be. Yeah, we could talk about my mother, but that isn’t what I am talking about. I am talking about the fact that people leave me behind and move on. They take me into the woods and leave me like an unwanted dog. I then have to find my way back home, praying that someone will eventually keep me in their home. This is just a thought, though. I am not alone, of course, but sometimes it feels like it. I have a wife, she is the best thing in my life, but sometimes I just want to have someone check in on me. I want a friend to check to make sure that I am fine, but that is wishful thinking, I guess. They stay for a few months, but everyone gets tired of ol’ Blake. They find someone better and will leave.

This is when things get worse for me. This is when anxiety gets into my veins and begin to rot my inner peace. I try to hold on.  It is hard to hold on to a sharp knife. The knife begins to cut your hand and eventually you will let go, this is what anxiety feels like. Anxiety for me has been a horrible battle. I am usually a pretty awesome guy, I want to make everyone happy (well most of the time) until the knife begins to cut, again. When the knife is pressed against my hand, I don’t want anyone to talk to me. I don’t want to go to work. I don’t want to be better, I just want to do what I have always done, slowly sink to the back of the room. It becomes harder to get out of this state, the more that I get into this kind of mood.

Recently, I have found myself in this state. I had to hide behind my crew, because I didn’t want to take any orders, I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I didn’t want to be at work, it was the last thing that I wanted to do. I push people away and make them feel like I hate them when I have this knife pressed against my hand. I tell people to leave and to never come back, but then I want to chase them down, but I have pride so I will sit back and watch them leave. The worst part is that I will blame them because they left. I pushed them into a battlefield, yet I will say that they shot the first bullet. I could understand why these people don’t want to be around me.

I wouldn’t want anyone to hurt me then blame me for them hurting me. I do get that, but I don’t understand why so many don’t want to be around me. I understand that I treat others like shit, but I am talking about those who I don’t even know. They walk out of my life, leaving me to wonder what I did wrong and how I can change myself. These people make me hate my life and then I get more depressed and push more people away.

My anxiety is horrible, I just want to be normal. I want to keep people near me and show others that I am not a creep or something in that nature. I think I am a good swing for those who want to be friends. I just want to know what is wrong with me. Anxiety is horrible. This is where I am right now, full of it. I might be trying to keep ahold of this knife, but I know that I am one nudge away from losing it. .

image

Impromtdude @ Facebook.com/impromtdude

Advertisements

Being anti-social is something that I deal with. I might have a blog that is doing okay, but that doesn’t dismiss the fact that I don’t like people. I don’t like to be in groups of people, nor do I like to be in big crowds of people. I’m uneasy to go into a public bathroom if I know it is packed. There is something about me that just doesn’t like to be around other humans. This has been an issue since I was a little kid, mostly after third grade, and has lasted up to now. Some think that it is hard to believe since I am also a blogger, which has me thinking; is the reason that I am failing, due to not being much of a peoples person?

Numbers are way down. Since I began this wonderful journey, I have noticed that I haven’t caught any type of current. It has always been a few views here and there. If we happen to catch a big current of fish, the water soon dries up, leaving me back with the tuna in a can. If I seem to get a fire going, the wind comes by and blows it out. I am unable to keep any fire going for long, which makes me think that I am a failing writer, one that should quit. The numbers are hard to cope with, but I know that I want to be a blogger. I have the passion to keep pushing forward, this is why I keep doing this. Most days, I wont even look at the stats. I know they aren’t pretty, but I keep telling myself to keep pushing on; hoping that one day this will all get better.

Today, I was with another manager. He was talking to me about customers and how we need to engage with them. This conversation got pushed into another direction, which ended up with us talking about convenient stores. He likes the personal interaction, where I like to get in, get my stuff, and exit through the self check-out. When asked why, I told him that I am very anti-social. With this being said, he told me that I couldn’t be anti-social if I have a blog. I stopped to think about that, because

I am very passionate when I write. I engage anyone who comments, and I try to reach out to all those who show interest; this all means that I am hiding behind this, as a social person or I am failing because I am not sociable enough. We could also say that I am actually social when it comes to this, yet hate people in person. Either way, I have to evaluate if I am failing because of this.

What if I am failing because of this? What if I am failing because I don’t like human interaction, is it something that I can fix? The Answer is yes. It is easy to get out of comfort zones if you love what you are doing. It might take some work, but it is definitely not hard to get out of this comfort. In order to get out, all i have to do is be more social able. This is something that I need to work on anyway, so it shouldn’t be a problem.

What he said really hit home. If I am wanting to be a manager or a blogger, I have to be more sociable with people. I cant live in a cocoon, forever, it doesn’t work like that. If you want to be successful in anything, then you have to open up to people and get them on your side. You have to show them the interest that you want back. You can  kiss any career goodbye if you don’t want to change that. I know what I need to work on; do you?  

image

Impromtdude @ Facebook.com/impromtdude

    Today marks two amazing, magical years with my wife. We said “I do” on this day in a local park. The day was pretty amazing, as we said our vows and ran for cover when the rain came down. The rain started moments after our ceremony, which to us meant good luck. But that is in the past, now we are living the high life. I try to stay up on my charm, so days like these let me prove I’m still a hopeless romantic! Trust me after today, I showed that! Lol!

image

I originally was scheduled to close (due to a scheduling flaw) but I switched that out with a co-worker (Big shoutout to Luke!) This gave me the day off, the perfect scenario to get everything together. I have been planning this day for a few months, so when I woke up, I was ready to get everything together. I had my money, my hat on backwards, and love in my heart for my princess, as I headed to Wal-Mart.

When I was there, I went shopping to get her flowers and a card. Though this was for her, I found myself also shopping for me. I found a big pack of pens, thirty for $2.50. It was a great deal so I got them. I have enough pens, but why not add more, right? Anyways, I went to the cards and picked out a cute card. That wasn’t the problem, the true problem came with finding the flowers. I was wanting a few dozen roses, but they only had 28 all together. That was fine, a dozen per year we have been married, but still Wal-Mart get a better selection…I was wanting a dozen of white and one of Red so I could mix them, but I had to settle for all red…How annoying.

After picking up the flowers and card, I headed home where I was about to write a sweet love letter. Ariel absolutely loves my notes, she says I don’t write her enough of them, so today I wrote her a pretty heartfelt and cute one. I then placed the note inside the card and sealed it. After the note, I went into the bedroom and took a nap. I was only wanting to take a half hour but ended up taking a full hour. Though I slept extra I was still way ahead of time. I decided to do some house chores including; Dishes, cleaning the bedroom, gathering trash and laundry. I surprisingly did these items pretty fast, leading me up to the departure. It was time to go surprise my wife at work. But first I had to stop at a comic book store. Ariel is huge fan of The Walking Dead and Darryl, this is why I went to a comic book store and bought her an action figure of Darryl and his brother, Merle.

image

I surprised her at work and asked her out on a date, she said yes. It was planned, we were going out to dinner at Texas Roadhouse, at 7pm. We did stop and get some small items, but other than that, we went home and laid around until the date.
We had a great night, the food was great and we had the coolest Waiter. This night was magical, too sad that it has to end. I don’t want it to end, but it has to. We have to get up pretty early, but I want to say one more thing.

image

Dear Ariel,
Thank you for being amazing. I didn’t think I would ever get married. I figured I was going to be the pastor of the weddings, never feeling the joy of my own. This was all until you came around. You opened my eyes to what real love is, for this I have to say thank you. If you were never to come around, I would still be a miserable, heartbroken teenager crying over everything. We have been through so much, but you never gave up on me, so thank you. I can’t wait to grow more with you. Two years is only the start, we have a big road coming, I’m glad to have you on this ride.
Love you,
Blake!

image

Impromtdude @ Facebook.com/impromtdude