Posts Tagged ‘hopeless’

What is happening and why is it happening again?

This always happens to me, I find some kind of happiness then it is sucked away. I over examine everything that I do in my life and usually over examine what other people say and do. People have done some things to me in my life, but it has never been as serious as I make it to be. Yeah, we could talk about my mother, but that isn’t what I am talking about. I am talking about the fact that people leave me behind and move on. They take me into the woods and leave me like an unwanted dog. I then have to find my way back home, praying that someone will eventually keep me in their home. This is just a thought, though. I am not alone, of course, but sometimes it feels like it. I have a wife, she is the best thing in my life, but sometimes I just want to have someone check in on me. I want a friend to check to make sure that I am fine, but that is wishful thinking, I guess. They stay for a few months, but everyone gets tired of ol’ Blake. They find someone better and will leave.

This is when things get worse for me. This is when anxiety gets into my veins and begin to rot my inner peace. I try to hold on.  It is hard to hold on to a sharp knife. The knife begins to cut your hand and eventually you will let go, this is what anxiety feels like. Anxiety for me has been a horrible battle. I am usually a pretty awesome guy, I want to make everyone happy (well most of the time) until the knife begins to cut, again. When the knife is pressed against my hand, I don’t want anyone to talk to me. I don’t want to go to work. I don’t want to be better, I just want to do what I have always done, slowly sink to the back of the room. It becomes harder to get out of this state, the more that I get into this kind of mood.

Recently, I have found myself in this state. I had to hide behind my crew, because I didn’t want to take any orders, I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I didn’t want to be at work, it was the last thing that I wanted to do. I push people away and make them feel like I hate them when I have this knife pressed against my hand. I tell people to leave and to never come back, but then I want to chase them down, but I have pride so I will sit back and watch them leave. The worst part is that I will blame them because they left. I pushed them into a battlefield, yet I will say that they shot the first bullet. I could understand why these people don’t want to be around me.

I wouldn’t want anyone to hurt me then blame me for them hurting me. I do get that, but I don’t understand why so many don’t want to be around me. I understand that I treat others like shit, but I am talking about those who I don’t even know. They walk out of my life, leaving me to wonder what I did wrong and how I can change myself. These people make me hate my life and then I get more depressed and push more people away.

My anxiety is horrible, I just want to be normal. I want to keep people near me and show others that I am not a creep or something in that nature. I think I am a good swing for those who want to be friends. I just want to know what is wrong with me. Anxiety is horrible. This is where I am right now, full of it. I might be trying to keep ahold of this knife, but I know that I am one nudge away from losing it. .

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    Imagine walking down a long, dark tunnel. This tunnel resembles your life and the choices that you have made. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. The closer you get to the light, the more colder that the tunnel gets. You are freezing, but it gets worse. You are almost to the end, then it starts to pour water. You want to continue, but doubt gets to you. You don’t think that you can make it, so you stop. The light at the end of the tunnel becomes dim, then fades completely. This is what depression feels like. At first, you are strong, but then the weight of the world falls onto your shoulders. You want to carry on, but the hope is no longer driving you. You begin to feel alone and eventually you give up.

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   350 million people are affected by depression worldwide. This is 5% of the whole world. Of the U.S.A we are looking at 16 million civilians that suffer from feeling alone or not good enough. People are likely to be depressed because of Brain chemistry, Hormones, genetics and/or personal risk factors, which include: Low self-esteem, physical or sexual abuse, diabetes or other major health factors, alcohol or drug abuse, medication side-effects, also the history of their family can play a big part in their health. Women are also more likely to suffer from depression than men are.

   Suffering from depression can really hold someone down and make their life unbearable. If the feeling of being alone isn’t enough, there are other effects that depression will cause. These effects consist of becoming angry easily, not being able to control your anger, anxiety issues, loss of interest in something that you love to do, being stuck in the past, and having suicidal thoughts. This becomes hard to live a life when you have no passion to do anything, especially the hobbies that you use to love to participate in.  With no interest in doing anything, one could only imagine what negative effects this will have on the body. There are a huge amount of additional effects that bring harm to your body, and should not be ignored.
   
   The physical effects are pretty serious and are usually easy to spot. This is why they ask you to keep an eye for these things. Insomnia, fatigue, and random aches and pains might be hard to catch, as the person might not speak up about it. But you might be able to catch these next few things easier. Weight gain/loss in a rapid form. You will be able to catch if someone is losing a lot of weight (or gaining) quickly. Increase or decrease in appetite should also be easy to catch on to. Also, they could have a hard time concentrating. If the person is big into art, but can’t find time to concentrate on art, then youmight want to talk to them. This is a pretty huge deal, because the next sign is more dangerous; cutting/self harm. You will be able to see the marks (sometimes not so easily) but this shouldn’t be taken lightly. If you ever find someone is cutting, you need to talk them into getting help, immediately.

  Being a friend to a person with depression can be hard, but God gives us help in his word. Three scriptures stood out to me today, all of them pointed to this topic. These scriptures can guide you to help those in need, or they can help you as you fight depression, yourself. The first Scripture was

Deuteronomy 31:8 “The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”

Psalms 34:17 “The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles.”

1 Peter 5: 6-7 “Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.”

   God will never leave his people. He is always there for you, all you have to do is cry out for him. He knows that you are not strong enough to face the giants, alone, that is why he is there with you. You must first humble yourself, then you and God will be able to escape the feeling of world being on your shoulders. But, remember, as the children of God, it is also our job to go out and help those in need. We have to watch for the signs. Suicide is a huge problem, but with our kind hearts, we could change all of that! It is time for us to help those in need. It is our time to stand with those who feel alone.

Impromtdude @ Facebook.com/impromtdude

Well, I tried something new and failed. I actually went with the Browns and the Bears and they failed me, not like it was a shock though. We are looking at two doomed teams, I should have never trusted them. Other than that, I was able to watch the Chiefs game against Denver. The game came down to the final seconds in Overtime (after a td and a 2 point conversion to end regulation) in which the Chiefs kicker, Santos made the game winning td. This plus a few weak picks, I was able to save my great 93-64-2. Let us not look to the past, now we must look to the future. The future is bright, so lets get started.
Cowboys @ Vikings
Winner: Cowboys

Lions @ Saints
Winner: Lions

Rams @ Patriots
Winner: Patriots

Broncos @ Jags
Winner: Broncos

4th and 9ers @ Bears
Winner: Do I really have to pick? I guess the Bears…

Texans @ Packers
Winner: Packers

Chiefs @ Falcons
Winner: Falcons

Dolphins @ Ravens
Winner: Dolphins, with Tannehill having 3 tds and 340 yards.

Eagles @ Bengals
Winner: Eagles

Bills @ Raiders
Winner: Raiders, but Bills will keep it close!

Buccaneers @ Chargers
Winner: Bucs

Giants @ Steelers
Winner: Steelers

Redskins @ Cards
Winner: Redskins

Panthers @ Seahawks
Winner: Seahawks by 1

Colts @ Jets
Winner: Jets

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Impromtdude @ Facebook.com/impromtdude

I had this amazing post ready to be written. It was going to be huge, as Donald would say. But as I was about to write it, something kept me from doing so. I was unable to find my music player; my tablet. This is something that I can’t write without, because I find it hard to concentrate without music. I looked all over the house for it, I started with my desk, which is a dang mess. I destroyed my desk in hopes that I could find the tablet, but the more I turned things over, the more I noticed that it wasn’t under the piles of papers, games, and empty soda bottles.

This got me to thinking about where it could have went. As I was getting mad, I remembered watching Hells Kitchen while making the Thanksgiving Turkey, so I walked into the kitchen and started to flip things over, just wanting to find the tablet, so I could get this blog post written and get to bed, since I have to be up super early tomorrow. But I couldn’t find the Tablet in the kitchen, either. I was irritated at this point. After minutes of walking through the house, I finally gave in and woke my wife up. I didn’t want to wake her up, because she has problems getting to sleep, but I saw the time beginning to fly away, so I knew I needed to do it. I went into the room and asked her to keep her eyes close (so I can turn the light on) which woke her up immediately.

I knew I was doomed when she started to talk. She asked what was going on, so I explained that I couldn’t find the tablet, and that I was going to check the room. She grunted and told me to hurry and find it. As I was looking through our belongings, she told me that she heard it in the kitchen on Sunday. I tried to explain that I already checked there, but she insisted that I checked again, so I got up from the floor and walked into the kitchen. After a while of searching, again. I was getting really angry, this is when I realized I didn’t check one thing; under the plate on the counter. I walked over to this plate that was sitting on top of buns, when I lifted the plate, I saw the black tablet lying under the plate.

I found it! But when I looked at the time, I realized that I just spent a hour looking for the tablet and that I needed to get to bed. That is when I plugged in the tablet and went to bed (right after posting this, which makes no sense. If I was needing to get to bed, then why did I write this, and if I was going to write, why didn’t I just write the original post? What a dang fail….*FacePalm!*)
Have a great night, guys!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Impromtdude @ Facebook.com/impromtdude

Why do I try?
Why do I try to be funny, when in reality, I’m truly not. I am not funny anymore, but I do try to be. I try to make everyone laugh, yet no one does anymore. I feel like my time as a comedian is over, and now I must wash my coat in my own tears. The doors have closed on me, the curtains have been closed so tightly, they have ripped. My funnier post are over, its time to be dual and boring, like everyone else.

What will I do now, though? I cant go back to the old boring Blake. He is no longer a person, he perished. Maybe I could try to resurrect him, but how? I think I could retire and say bye to being funny, and hello to the business world. Will I ever be myself again, though? I think being funny for so long, will hold me back in life, forever.

The tears are flowing as I sit here, writing my goodbye to you guys. This blog stood behind the art of being a sarcastic writer, and it will be missed. I held myself up to long without anyone, but I knew it would come to this. It would come to the point that I would look in the foggy mirror and not notice myself. Today was the day, the day the mirror revealed my biggest fear, I am no longer humorous. The jokes that I make don’t make people laugh, I have become annoying that’s it. I don’t want to annoy anyone anymore, and I know that means giving up, but I will pack my bags and leave. Remember this is all for you guys…….

Nah, I’m just shitting with you. 
I am not going anywhere! I still believe that I am funny, and it is something that I will never forget. Sometimes I’m not funny, but other times, I know that I am a true mastermind! There is a talent in sarcasm and comedy that I posses. This will be something that I will pursue through this blog!

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Impromtdude @ Facebook.com/impromtdude

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The wind was slightly blowing the light snow off of the ground and into the chilled air. The night was calm as Aeron sat next to the fire, in a grill he found in Drummond. The fire was simmering down with the continuous snow, but they knew they wouldn’t be staying long. They already traveled for a full day, so they decided to stop and get warm. The fire was lit inside of a small grill. The metal was hot enough for the two to get warm. As Aeron sat next to the fire, he picked up the sign. He was happy to see that Fairfield was only thirty miles away. His mission to get medical supplies was almost over.   

Fairfield was one of the last surviving cities after the outbreak took place. The mayor of the town kept a close eye on the passing visitors, and of the people leaving. It was a good plan at the beginning, but there came a group that would over power his walls. He fell captive to a group of lawbreakers. The group cleared them out of all of their food and water, but they didn’t know about the abundance of medicine, they kept stored inside the medical center. They grabbed the food and water, and left.

The people of Fairfield began to fear another attack on the city; also without food one-by-one they were dying from starvation. A group of activist told the people, it was easier to live on the road, away from the fear they had here. The people of Fairfield quickly joined the rally, and left their homes. They soon realized that the world was no longer like it was before, they had no idea what was out there. The citizens fell dead to the cold, turning into beast shortly after. With all the attacks and people leaving the leader began to question his sanity. Finally, after the people began to turn back into beast, and turned back to attack the town, Dr. Grey began to execute anyone that questioned his plans.

Dr. Grey was a true man of war; he was someone who knew what it took to survive, also what a human body could withstand. He spent many years in the army, but also many years studying the reproductive system. With all the people leaving his town; he knew that he needed to build his army back up. This is when he chose to begin his projects. He had to find a way to bring forth kids. There weren’t enough women to carry kids,  the men were also too busy fighting; they wouldn’t be able to stand down, this is when he came up with three ideas. He would try to impregnate children earlier in life, find ways to impregnate women without a man, and grow fetus without a present birth giver.

He attempted to impregnate the children, but due to the lack of nutrition, they would die quickly after getting pregnant. This caused riots outside of Dr. Greys mansion, the old courthouse. Dr. Grey executed those who wouldn’t stand down. This led to only having a handful of women, his second plan became harder than expected. But even with the complications, Grey continued to do his experiment. The women refused to go along with his plan, seeing how the first experiment went. Grey wasn’t accepting of their lack of faith, so as they refused to help, he would force them. He would have his men tie the women down, and would force the sperm inside of their body. But without the right sanitation, the women began to come down with infections, worse than the frost bite infection. He stopped the research, immediately and went onto his last experiment. This is where he would attempt to create a embryo, and grow a baby using science. He created a pod that created an egg, then after the egg was present, he would empty test tubes of sperm into the glass container. The project was working, better than any others. There was progress everyday. But as the progress began to spike, a big storm came through town.

The storm blew his generator. He was sleeping when the storm came through, but as the wind blew ice against his window, he woke up. He rushed to his lab, to see that none of the pods were active. He made it urgent, that the soldiers got the power back on. But the town was without power for two days. When the generator was turned back on, the project had deceased. All the hard work was for nothing. The town turned away from him as he lost his mind. He began to see that no one wanted to follow him, that is when he began to torture his residents. But as they were coming to kill him, he left the town. They were going to chase him, but decided that the winter would be torture, enough. Soon after Grey left, another group of outlaws came, and killed off the rest of the citizens.

Aeron got of his snow mobile and stood in the freezing rain with his leather jacket. He lifted the face shield on the helmet to look into the once standing, Fairfield. The town was deserted. The walls of the buildings were rotted out. Most of the buildings had falling with the weight of the snow. There were cars beside other cars. This must have been their last defense. Aeron stood still, almost in a memorial of the dead bodies, hanging out of the cars. Leo pats him on the back seconds later.

“Are you ready for this?” Leo asked.

“Lets get in there and get back home.”

They both got off their snowmobiles, after being unable to cross through the pile of cars. It was on foot from this-point-on. The town was only four blocks, the iced population sign reads 700, which was long before the outbreak. The medical center was on the left side of town, which was three blocks after getting into town and was next door to the old B & J Grocery store. This was Dr. Greys hideout, where he kept all of the experiments and test results. The whole way to Fairfield, the were praying that the medicine hadn’t been touched. It would have been a waste, if so. 

They made their way up to Fairfield Drugs entrance, but Aeron stopped. Leo turned around and asked what he was thinking. Aeron ignored him and walked to a nearby car; he pulled out a rope, put gas on the end, then shoved it into the gas tank of the car, leaving the end close to the ground. He got up off the ground and made his way into the building. Leo caught on to his plan, as he looked at the car, then walked inside with him.

They walked into the main lobby, and began to search for the treasure, but all they found were old empty boxes. Aeron hesitantly searched through the lobby drawers. He found a map of the medical center with a master key to the building. The guide listed all of the rooms and what you would find in each room. Everything was scratched out, except on room 3A1 that read supplies.  Aeron shows Leo the map, and smiles.

“You know this is the original guide, right!” Leo slapped the guide out of Aeron’s hand.

Aeron picks up the map and walked away, heading to the room. Leo shook his head, lifted his flashlight and walked behind him.

They found the room, Aeron unlocks the door using the master key. Leo steps in front of him, and shines the light inside, from the glare of the flashlight, the room seemed to be empty. But as they walked in, they saw the abundance of supplies. They begin to search the cabinets, in each cabinet, they found even more supplies. They were searching for Insulin, but they only found one little bottle. Aeron smiled as he showed the bottle Leo. Leo smiles while throwing the rest of the pain killers into his bag. They got what they came for. They walked out of the room, back into the lobby. But they realized that the door was left open, which caused a handful of Crawlers to make their way into the building. They were screeching for warmth. Aeron pulls Leo back into the room. 

They began to devise a plan to get out of the building. The room didn’t have a window or any other door. They open the door again, slightly. Leo looked around to see if there was another room with a window, and there was. It was a room at the back of the center, it looked to be an old lab. Leo shuts the door and tells Aeron what he saw; Aeron tells him to throw a glass bottle out into the lobby, so they can make a run for it. Leo grins slightly, opens the door, and throws a bottle. The glass shattering got the attention of the dumb beast. Leo sprints across the floor followed by Aeron. The Crawlers notice the two humans, and begin to run after they. The were moving faster than they normally do. The heat must have an affect on their body functions. 
They slid into the room, and shut the door. The Crawlers were at the door seconds later. Aeron looks around the room, then throws a chair through the window. The glass shattering was loud, and echoed through the small town.

“That is going to get the attention of every Crawler in this town, come on!” Aeron grabs the bag of medicine, and jumps out of the window. Leo follows but gets caught up on the window seal. As he gets caught up, the Crawlers bust the door down. Leos heart is beating heavily, as he attempts to get out of the bondage. He finally breaks lose, as a crawler grabs ahold of his arm.
He forces himself out of the grasp, to only fall back out of the window. The glass clings to his leg, puncturing his skin. He falls to the ground and looks up at the window. The Crawlers were there. They stared at Leo with their bright red eyes, then fell out of the window. The Crawler fell only inches from his feet.

“Come on, Leo.” Aeron turns around.

The window led to a small section of the center that was fenced in. Aeron tried to climb over the fence, but the ice caused him to lose his traction. He falls back to the ground. Leo limps over to him, and picks him up. Aeron thanks him and tells him to go first, Leo gladly took the chance to get away, and began to pull himself up the wires. Aeron turned around to see the Crawlers were now inside of the fenced in area. They had their hands reached out, and were ready to attack! Leo yelled for Aeron to come on. He turns around, sprints towards the fence, jumps and throws himself over the top.

They run around the building, but as they rounded the wall, the noticed that a horde had made their way to the entrance. The whole block was full of Crawlers. Aeron yanks Leo back to the wall and tells him to hold off. This was the safest place for them, since the Crawlers can’t climb. They took a breather, but as Leo fell to the cold ground, a Crawler comes around the corner. He grabs a hold of Leo; Leo screams and begins to pull away. Aeron quickly pushes the Crawler, as the Crawler pushes up, off the ground, Aeron runs the long blade, of the machete, through the head of the Crawler. The rest of the horde heard the scream and made their way to the survivors. Aeron tells him to come on, as he ran back to the square towards the snowmobiles. Leo was following slowly behind, he wasn’t able to spring like Aeron was.

Aeron stops at the car, and tries to light the rope with a lighter, but the lighter isnt working. Aeron continues to try until Leo pushes him to the ground, urging him to leave it alone. Aeron falls into the snow, his head hits the ground. In anger, he gets back up and pushes him back. He picks up the lighter from the ground, and tried to spark a flame, but the lighter wont spark due to it being wet, so he decided to leave it. They head towards the end of the road, but Crawlers were now surrounding the square, their only option was to fight.

The snow made the fight truly amazing. As Aeron grabs his machete and slices off three of the Crawlers heads off, then took a sweet spin, on the ground, and lifted up quickly. The blade ran through the crawlers body, splitting one into two. Leo was on the other side of him, using his hammer to beat in their head. The process was slightly longer, but it was working. A crawler gets pass Leo and knocks the machete out of Aeron’s hand. In a second, Aeron picks up a lying crowbar, and takes a swing. The crowbar splattered a Crawlers head, throwing guts everywhere. Aeron didn’t stop, though. He kept swing. Each Crawler made his way to them, and Aeron took it to himself to finish it. As Aeron fought back, Leo pulled out a pack of matches. He got onto the ground and tried to light the rope. Finally, after many attempts, the flame finally caught fire to the rope.
Aeron saw that the fire was lit, and told Leo that they needed to push the Crawlers back. The car was about to explode. Leo shakes his head and pushes the crawlers back with his hands. One of them broke off, though, and attempted to grab Leo.

Aeron swings his machete, and cuts of the head. Leo slips on a patch of ice and falls to the ground. One of the crawlers got on top of him, and screeched. Leo saw the beasts sharp teeth and began to cry out. The crawler lifted his fingers and lunged them towards his belly, but before he could make contact, Aeron puts the blade of his machete, through the skull of the crawler, blood drips into Leos mouth.

Aeron pulls Leo up to his feet, but Leo falls to his knees and began to puke. Aeron yanks on his arm, and tells him that they need to get going. Aeron feels something, and looks down, Leos arm is dangerously cut open. Leo gets up and begins to run away. When the car explodes, they were launched through the air.

Aeron opens his eyes. The fire was still burning violently. The Crawlers were burnt to a crisp. Body parts were shot around through the square. He sees that Leo was dripping blood, and needed assistance. Aeron tries to get up from the ground, but cant, his leg seemed to be broken. He starts to crawl over to Leo. Aeron feared that he had taking to much of the explosion, and that he was dead. But as he got closer, Leo lifted his arm, showing that he still had the bottle of Insulin they came for. Aeron smiles then falls face first into the snow. The sizzling from the fire echoed through Aeron’s ears. The sound was peaceful. It was much better, than hearing the Screech of Crawlers. 

Impromtdude @ Facebook.com/impromtdude