Posts Tagged ‘heart’

 

man sitting on edge facing sunset

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When I was in 6th grade, I wrote my first real story. It was a horror story and I was so proud of it, though I can’t remember what it was about. But I was proud! I proud enough to walk over to my teacher and told her that I was going to be a writer, one day. She read it and raised one of her eyebrows. She told me that it was a good start and that I was very creative. This was the beginning of something special. She told me that it was full of run-ons, but that it could be turned into a master piece; and that no matter what I do, to chase my dreams. This is what started this crazy journey. I knew at that moment, that I wanted to be a writer, and I would do anything (in my power) to become one.

I never had anyone put me down for my writing. I remember when I was in 4th grade, we were supposed to write a story, but I couldn’t because my mother didn’t have a stable home for me to write in. I didn’t do the assignment, but the teacher wanted me to read it to the class. She wanted me to read it in front of a class, a story I never wrote! So what was I supposed to do, tell her I didn’t do the assignment? Heck no! I got up, walked to the front of the class and read my story about a vicious bear, tearing through a town of innocent families. I read for 10 minutes, flipping through the pages, until I finished. After the reading, she asked for the pages, I nervously handed them over and went back to my seat. She went on with the class, asking the next student to come forward and share. The bell rang 30 minutes later; I got up and walked to the door to go to lunch. But as I got to the front of the room, my teacher called my name. My chest was burning as I turned around. “Yes, mam?” She was holding my story up, revealing the empty pages. I began to shake, knowing that I failed the assignment. She told me that I should have been honest, but that I had a huge imagination, one that could make a good career one day. She gave me an A on the assignment for the creativity, since she couldn’t tell that I was reading an empty page.

Jump ahead to my senior year of high school. I have multiple WIPs; I have a solid blog and I’m getting more confident with my talents. A guy comments on my blog, telling me that I need to keep writing. I didn’t know that people could read my blog. I didn’t share it anywhere, so it through me off when I got such love. It felt great!  I also had a teacher behind me, pushing me to use my gifts, knowing I could be something.

Now I am a writer. I write daily. I have my days where I don’t want to write, or weeks where I feel I’m not a good enough writer, but I just remember the encouragement, from my past, and I get back to work, creating more content for you guys, knowing that the people in my past would be happy with where I am now! I never stopped following my dream to become a writer, so why would you give up on your dreams?

Stop telling yourself that you aren’t good enough. Stop grabbing your dream then letting it go because you think you don’t have enough grip on it. One day you will wake up and it will be too late to grab it, so grab it now! Don’t be worried about the outcome, but instead, make the outcome! Don’t stop chasing your dream because your legs are tired. Push through the hard times and grab that dang want. You want the dream to come true, don’t you? It’s all within your chest! You are the creator, so create the ending that you want. If you want to be a doctor, then become a doctor. You are the only one that is standing in your way. You can do this. I know you can.

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Before we start tonight, I want to spend a few minutes and say thank you. John, thank you for caring about me. You texted me last night and told me how awesome I was. Thank you for sharing about your day, sorry that your day wasn’t that great. You deserve the best. You deserve to be happy and have amazing days. I am glad to hear that you wait for my posts, you have helped me decide that I want to continue writing. Thank you! You rock, I love you!

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She is gone.
When my mother left, it hurt me more than I knew. She walked out the door and walked out into the night air. She was gone and I was without a mother. I was without someone that I trusted my life with, she was gone. She didn’t care that I was hurting, she had things to do and I wasn’t a part of her plans. It took many years for me to find a way to cope with her absence, but this type of coping may have led me through more walls than doors. The way that I have coped with her being gone is being a comical jerk, someone that has to make jokes to hide that he is actually hurt.
In high school, I use to make fun of my mother, and I would laugh along with all of my friends. They didn’t know that I was actually broken, but I never wanted them to know that. It was a sign of weakness to show that I was vulnerable, so I put up all of these walls to make sure no one saw that I was hurt. I hid behind my humor and everyone fell for it. This was great! I was able to convince myself that I was okay with not having my mother. This was great until it began to be a bigger part of me. I began to joke about everything, until nothing was serious to me. This did change when I started to go to church. Church was the only time that I would actually let my emotions flow. Talking to God was the best feeling. Even if he didn’t say anything to me, I knew (in my heart) that he was listening to me. I was able to finally cry without being afraid of someone laughing at me.
I use to cry a lot at church. I would lay on my face and just bawl. Sometimes, I didn’t even know why I was crying, but it felt so good, so I never questioned it. There was a service about mothers, and I remember sinking into my seat and bawling. I cried the whole sermon and more. I was called to the front to talk to the pastors after the sermon and they hugged me. I don’t know why, but it actually felt like my mother was hugging me. Great, things are good now, right? I was able to get back to feeling, I was able to cry again, I was no longer scared to let my emotions out, correct? Yeah, NO! It lasted for a while, but nothing stayed that good for long.
I did say that it lasted for a while, right? I was able to let my emotions out for a good amount of time, but then something happened. I was no longer able to feel. My emotions were shut off and I couldn’t feel inside my heart. I was becoming cold and angry, again. Church just wasn’t the same, anymore. I was drifting away from God and I didn’t know what I was doing wrong. I thought going to church more would help. The more that I went, though, the more that I felt the pain grow. Even if the sermon was the most touching, I was unable to go to that place, the place where my emotions could be freed. I needed serious help, my walls were being built again, the same walls my mother forced me to build years before. This is when I began to push people away.
I was able to find my emotions, again. They were found in a girl. This girl was standing twenty feet from me, my heart felt alive again. The next couple months were the best in my life. She taught me what it felt like to care. She taught me why it’s okay to let my emotions out. I was told that emotions were never meant to stay within, because they are meant to be carried by two, not by one. This shook me as I opened up, something that I should have never done. She broke my heart a month later. She allowed her sister to dictate who she was allowed to talk to. Again, the wall went up. This time, it stayed.
I moved away the next summer. I was chasing something, a feeling that I once felt. There was a Church that I thought would help me, but it came to pass. When I got there, it wasn’t the same. This is when I realized that my walk with Christ was no longer the same. I tried to get back to the way that I use to feel, but nothing would work. I only stayed a semester, then moved back home.
Nothing was the same when I got back, though. People moved on and plans changed. It was like I was in a whole new place, with people that I didn’t know. I guess I was hurt that no one seemed to care that I was back. They were okay without me. I told myself that it was a lie, but I never could seem to convince myself. This is when I met my wife, Ariel. She gave me happiness, but something was still missing. The piece that will always be missing. When my mother left, she took something from me that I didn’t know. She took my emotions. I haven’t felt truly sad about something in over 5 years. I stopped caring when I got back from college, when I saw that everyone moved on, When I realized that everyone moved on like my mother. I try to find a way to break down this wall, but the tools are not strong enough. They are broke under the pressure of all my DAMN baggage, I feel like I will never be okay. I miss her! I wish that I could have a heart to heart conversation with my mother. I want to ask her what she was thinking, why she left us, why couldn’t she just be a GODDAMN GOOD PARENT!! But I will never know. She will always have an excuse, I just wish I meant more to her, meant enough for her to drop her act and tell me why she left me. She left too soon.

Dear Mom,
I sit here, waiting for you to walk in those doors. I waited for you to come back for years, but you never came back. You had better things to do, but we weren’t it, were we? Why did you leave me, why did you leave me with these questions? I deserve these answers, dammit! I have giving you the power for so many years, hoping that you would just tell me why I wasn’t good enough!!!!! I want the power back, but you forced these walls up and I cant break them down. I want to take the wall down, but I cant without knowing how you could leave me as a child. How could you leave me at Ten and never even check up on me. I spent years trying to find you, but when I found you, you were full of excuses. You hurt me more than anything. But my biggest question is; why is it that you hurt me so much, but I still want you to hug me and tell me that you love me. Mom, I wish you were better. I wish you weren’t gone. 
Sincerely yours,
A BROKEN CHILD.

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Impromtdude @ Facebook.com/impromtdude

What is really hurting me is that people are hurting. This is the season for everyone to come together and feel loved. Christmas is about getting together with your loved ones and enjoying each others company as you celebrate. It doesn’t matter your beliefs, it doesn’t matter about money, all that matters is that you are together. Christmas is suppose to be about love, so why is everyone having such a rough time? Why do I see more depression and broken hearts, more death and a lot more negativity? Is it my set of friends or is everyone having a horrible season of holidays? Either way, what can we do?

I am a huge Facebook user, and each day I sign in and spend hours looking through post. I like to keep up with old friends, that I don’t usually talk to. I also like to share in special memories of others, such as babies, new cars, and much more. One of the biggest things I love to read are praises or small things that make peoples lives awesome. Recently, I found out that a close friend went on a prayer walk, one to get himself closer to God. He had a great time and got a lot from it. These little things make me so happy, then we also have those post about a girl that can’t take life anymore, these post are what get me upset.

Where, in life, do we find ourselves in so much pain that we have nothing to live for? I remember laughing and having a great time, as a child. Yet, somewhere we were giving a curse of depression? When did life get so hard? I’m not sure, but it is a huge problem.

We are talking about MILLIONS of people that suffer from depression. These are people that feel unwanted, abused, torn, worn, and alone. At one time, these people were happy, but something happened to where they fell and hit rock bottom. One of the main reasons is death. Everyone has lost someone due to death, it is the cycle of life, but that doesn’t mean it is easy. A death in the family can tear apart the most perfect relationships. A death as a mother can leave children broken for life, making it hard for them to even get through the day. Other reasons for depression can be; Failed classes, failed dreams, breakups, being ignored, loss of friends, money problems, and bullying. The list can go on for hours, but that isn’t the point. The point is; we have the chance to change this, by simply being there for them during the hard times!

I don’t want to see anyone hurting, especially during the holiday seasons. We are meant to be happy individuals, so what can we do? The answer is simple; we need to show them that they are loved. This doesn’t have to be a big gesture, it can as simple as texting them and telling them you love them, or inviting them over to your house for dinner. The smallest gestures can help tremendously. People just want to be wanted. They want to know that you are thinking about them. This is why Bart and I are sending out love!

I want to call this “Love for Christmas; A Better Gift.” This is where I will try to find those who are hurting and I will let them know that I am thinking about them! Bart (My Christmas Stuffed Animal) will write everyone (in pain) a small note, informing that person that they aren’t alone. I don’t know if this will help, but I have to do something. I think everyone of you guys should do the same. Write a small note to those you love, telling them that you are thinking of them, praying for them, or that you love them. It doesn’t have to be a long message, but I promise it will mean the world to those in pain. This Christmas, we need to let everyone know that we are together, as one, to celebrate. Will you do it?

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Impromtdude @ Facebook.com/impromtdude

“Wow!” That is all I can say about the new episode of The Walking Dead. Tonight was the season 7 premiere and I wasn’t expecting what happened, though I had a pretty good idea. I will not be spoiling anything, so lets give a short reaction to what we all saw tonight.

The episode starts out very slowly. I was literally screaming at the T.V. to hurry the hell up, because they didn’t show crap at the beginning, as I thought this was going to happen in the first moments of the show. Though the show wasn’t impactful in the beginning it surely picks up pretty quick. It was probably ten minutes into the show that we saw the glorious death of one or many of Ricks group, and it was amazing. I thought that AMC would have dulled it down a bit, but you can’t tell at all. The death was gory, gruesome, and heartbreaking. There was a lot of guts and a huge shot of blood.

I will say this, my favorite character was taken from me, but it wasn’t hard for me to take. Negan has a way to make everything easy to take. He is funny enough to make everyone hate to love him. He was talking to Rick and all I could do is laugh at how funny he was, even when he was being very Fu*#ing serious.

It was great to watch this episode, and it seemed to start a new fire for the show. Robert Kirkman introduced Negan in the comics when he saw that the comic was settling down. I feel that is why we are seeing him now. The show is great, but we needed a new flame. This is Negan. Negan brings something to the show that wasn’t there, but I don’t know what it is. I just see that Negan is going to make this show 100% better. Jeffery Dean Morgan plays him very well, he is that sweet ole dad but at the same time he is that jackass neighbor that you want to hit. He plays the good and bad cop, Jeffery is great. This will be important for this series and will bring new life back into the show. But we will see what happens. I didn’t want to give away any secrets, so sorry that this was very vague, there isnt much to talk about otherwise, everything shown gives away another secret, so just watch the damn episode.

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Impromtdude @ Facebook.com/impromtdude

Top 10 things I want to do before I die!
Bucket list are very important to make. Bucket list consist of things that you want to do before a certain time, usually they are things that you have wanted to do since you were a child (example: I have always wanted to go to Alaska) My biggest goal is to go to Alaska, this is something that I have told myself needs to happen by a certain time, this is what a bucket list is; it is a list of hopes and wants that you set out to accomplish/experience. I made one a few years ago, but now I want to go back and think of ten things that I want to do, by the time I die.

10. Get paid to write- This isn’t majorly important, but I would like to say that my writing was good enough to make a dollar off of, even if it was only a dollar. I have a partial plan to get this done, but I am still confused on getting it all together.

9. Particiapate in a 5k/marathon- Running is a big hobby (or use to be) of mine. My dream is to be in a 5k or a marathon one day. I know it is easy to get into a 5k, but I want to be in good enough shape to finish in the top ten.

8. Go back to school- There is a 22% chance (guess) of me making it as a writer. That can only be affected by a degree, I have to get a degree to have a better chance. This is why I want to go back to school.

7. Travel to the most beautiful places and write there- Traveling the world would be amazing, but to write everywhere would be even better! Who would turn that down? I know I wouldn’t! All I need is my laptop, wife, my doggy, and a very long road ahead
of us, and my life would be complete!

6. Have a kid(s)- I am scared to have a kid, but that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t want one. People think I hate kids, but that is just me playing cool. I love kids and eventually want a few of my own. I am just scared of failing…lol

5. Write/film a movie- Yes, I want to be a part of a movie! Writing/producing a movie has always been a dream of mine. This is probably a far fetched dream, but just maybe!

4. Do something with special effects/get better- I talked about this earlier this week and it has been on my mind more lately. I could do something with special effects, even if it’s a local haunted house, either way I could do something with it, so that is what I will do.

3. Writing my first novel- I have it planned and I have the resources, but I just cant get it done. I don’t know what to do, but I recently bought something to help me, so maybe I could finally get this off my bucket list!

2. Go to Alaska- Ariel and I would have the best time in Alaska. We would be able to sleep under the northern lights, maybe share a kiss under those same lights, also enjoy the many things that Alaska has to offer. 

1.  Open a homeless shelter- One day, I will open a homeless shelter. Being someone that was once homeless, I know how it feels to not have a place to sleep. Let me tell you, it sucks! I don’t want anyone feeling like I felt, this is why I want to do this. It is a small gesture, but I  know it would mean the world to someone! 

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Impromtdude @ Facebook.com/impromtdude

        This was one of my favorite blogs to write. I put my whole heart into this post, and now I am continuing it. I have a lot of thoughts that I need to get out so I will be making a follow-up post. That post will be asking the question “Did I wait long enough?” I can’t wait to share with you guys! But until then, enjoy the first part!

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First love vs. True love
        The moment you lay eyes on this person, you will feel something that no other boy/girl has ever made you feel. You will feel something inside not only your gut but also inside of your heart. It will feel warm yet cold. Being nervous is only one of the many things that being in love for the first time will bring you. As you dive deeper into this wonderful feeling. You will feel security, hopefulness, happiness, love, chills, and a clear mind.

       As you fall into love with the special person, you will begin to change for the better. You will realize that you are challenging yourself more, and hating yourself a lot less. You will begin to set goals that before you didn’t know you wanted to achieve. The awesome part is that this person will be by your side the whole time. They will push you to become the person that you want to become, and you will do the same thing for them. When you fall in love for the first time, everything in the world will slowly becomes about this special person. You will pick up new likes and dislikes as you begin to see his/hers. Their needs will become your needs. You will do anything to make sure that both of your needs/wants are met.

        Sadly, first loves don’t always pan out to the wedding day, but that is fine. You will take something from the time that you had with them. You will know what you want in a relationship, and you will set out to find someone just like that person, this person will be called “The True love.” This is the person that you will love for the rest of your life. They will make you feel like the first love, but a lot happier. As the first love, they will also push you to go farther in your dreams and passions. You will feel more open with them than you have ever been, especially after the heartbreak you experienced with the first love, they will repair your walls and teach you that its safe to love again. You will be happy again, yet deep inside you will still think about your first love.
        
         I was thinking the other night “What if my first love came back into my life?” I wasn’t the lucky one to be able to stay friends with my first love. Her family had a big part in that decision, and since I wanted the best for her, I let her go. It hurt more than anything that I have ever experienced in my life to let her go. But time healed my broken heart and I finally got married to the love of my life.

        I still think about my first love and that’s okay, I gave her a part of my heart. To think I won’t think of her is insane. I want to know she is safe, but then the other night I began to question myself. “what would I do if she wasn’t okay?” I have a wife to care for, I can’t leave and help her. But then again, she was my first love. I would do anything to help her, that is what I promised her. 

         This question is almost like asking “Would I let my wife or my child die, if there were complications in delivery.” But then as I began to type this post, I started to think. If True love is stronger than first love, then I would be able to confidently make the decision to help her. My love for my wife is stronger than the love I ever had with my first love, and it always will be, nothing in the world could separate us. My first love will always have a spot in my heart, but that’s all. Anything more than a thought is simply impossible.

         So if you are dealing with someone that came back into your life and you are wondering what you should do, remember the feeling that you had when you met your first love, and now think of the feeling you had with your true love. Which ever one is stronger indicates your true love.  

Impromtdude

I am the best.

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We are all going to go through rough times, that’s life. We are all going to battle things, some things that we might keep deep in our closet, also somethings that we can’t battle alone. You have to be the definer of that, though, no one else can decide for you. If you don’t feel that you can win the battle, then it is time to reach out for someone and try to get help. What battles do you classify as “Unwinnable?” some people may ask you this. For me this would be anything that you haven’t battled in the past, but like I said, you are the only one that can decide that. But at the same time, you should never go into any battle alone.
I have been dealing with a lot lately. This is the post that I will come out and open up. I have never been good at opening up to anyone. I have always been scared of losing people because of my problems, so I would usually keep it to myself, put on a smile and hope that I don’t lose the battle. I usually pushed the people away, distancing myself from everything, then I would go into the war alone. At first I would fire all my guns at the enemy, but what happens when I lost my weapon or I ran out of ammo? This was in the moments of me getting tired. I would lower my arms from holding the gun and would try to rest. But if you know anything about war then you would know, that is when the enemy will strike. They wont wait until you are rest, that would be crazy. If they would do that, then there wouldn’t be an advantage. I could go awhile on my one tank of gas “emotion,” but that would eventually run out. This was the time in my life that the enemy would hit me. The enemy would use my doubts as their ammo. They would hit me hard, breaking every wall had built up down. They knew what my weaknesses were and they would use it against me, all the time. After they beat me down and took my barrier, they would stand over me and kick my lungs in. These are the moments that suicide became my only option, yet something always was there to save me. This could be someone reaching out, a random act of kindness or God giving me hope, whatever the situation, I always found a way out.
These were the past battles. They would come in waves. It would always hit me in the worse times, usually when I was tired or emotionally weak, usually after losing something close to me. But they always ended. It would last for about two weeks, I would get all down, then it would end. But for some reason the pain doesn’t go away anymore. Back in the day the pain would come and go, there were times it would stay a lot longer, but it always went away. These days, not so much, the thoughts and doubts cloud my mind and makes it hard for me function at times. I have tried to reach out and get some help, but its like the pain will cease for a short-bit, but then will come back stronger. Sadly, I have to say that I am going through another wave, right now.
I was talking to my cousin, at work, today. We were talking about what is on our mind. I know that during work isnt the best time to talk about emotions, but I needed to vent. That is when I dug deep inside and told him how my mind works. I realized something about myself today, I stress about everything. The way my brain works is; I will get tired, I will see more bills, I will start to think of everything going bad (Car issues to eyesight), I will think of ways to get that fixed, I will stress about my job, I will hate myself for working at McDonald’s, I wont think I’m a good worker which makes me fear that I am a failure, I will doubt that I’m a good husband, I think of my dreams and doubt my future as a writer, I will get discouraged and lose my passion, then I will get down and will start to push everyone away.
This is a rough description of how I feel. I know that everyone is dealing with their own problems, and I know that I shouldn’t be bringing my hurt to page, but I want everyone to know that you aren’t alone. There has to be someone out there that feels your pain. I want to say all this, just to tell you to not give up. There is a world out there, at times it will be scary, but nothing in life will be clear as day. You will doubt everything in life. You just have to have faith in the things you want. If you feel like you are losing ground, it is best that you get someone that has beat the battle you’re facing. These people are your best chance at survival. My biggest problem is I feel everyone has better things to do, other than help me, but that isn’t always true. God sends us people to help us out, we just have to be smart to know who is who.  

Impromtdude @ Facebook.com/impromtdude

Happy Father’s day to all the great Father’s out there. You are truly the M.V.P, and we appreciate all the work you do! If you weren’t here, then we wouldn’t have so many amazing people, in this world, that are making a huge difference! Thank you, dad, for showing me what I need to work on, and how to be an amazing person! I love you! Happy Father’s day! To you and all the other greats out there! In honor of my hero, I want to give my dad this post! I love you!

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The other day I was sitting at work, talking to another crew about “Heroes.” She had asked me who my hero was in life, and I was stunned. I never thought about who I looked up to. I never even thought about having a hero. I was always so independent in life, most of the times I pushed everyone away.
         I never wanted to look up to someone, then get close to them and have them leave. It was a fear that I could control. So I made it a mission to keep everyone out of my life. But now with my crew member asking me the question, I had to search inside of myself and ask the hard question. “Who is my Hero?”
       “Who do I look up to?” I look up to my father. I look up to him for everything. I search his personality for answers to questions about life. If me and my wife get into a fight, he is the one that I look to for answers on questions I’m unsure about. Or if my car breaks down, he is the one that I call for the fix. He is truly the smartest person that I know. He seems to know everything that needs to be known.
        My father hasn’t always had the chance to be a part of my life, but he has always been an outline. When my mother took us out of his care, he seemed to always be around, expecially when we were in trouble. He wouldn’t break any laws though, so when my mother got that restraining order, and moved us out of town, he respected the laws that were in place. He worked with a woman that never wanted to work with him. Then when it came down to getting us back, after we were put in the foster care, he did. He flipped every mattress trying to find us.
       Someone that can be on the bottom of the chain, yet will help those who are willing to turn on you. That is my Dads character, and that is what I see as a hero. He has shown me over and over that if someone is in need, help. But what if you are broke? No, you help anyway you can. He showed me how to love my neighbor as myself. It was always like that in my house, you had to respect everyone (to a point) that you came in contact with.
        I have become a strong man with all of his life lessons. I am willing to go to war for anyone that needs help. I am always that man that is looking for doors to hold open, or cars to push out of the snow. This is all because of one guy. The same guy that made me crucify my pride, and help those that don’t deserve the help. My father has been the savior my whole life. He is my hero, and one day, I hope I’m my sons hero, as well. It has been such an honor learning from my father, and there is still much to be taught!

Impromtdude

The reason I left college

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School is almost over for most seniors, which leaves them with one big decision, what would they like to do for the rest of their lives? After they figure out that question, they will then search for some colleges, either near or far from their hometown. After the decide where they want to go, they will send in an application to see if they are compatible with that certain school. After the college accepts them into their school, they will possibly move across the world to study their desired trait.
I decided on what I wanted to do when I was at church, one night. The pastor was talking about callings. At this point, I was lost on what I wanted to do. I wanted to be a writer, computer engineer, and pastor, but I didn’t know what was worth the money. I wasn’t good at math, so I knew computer engineering was at the bottom, of the list. I was comfortable with being a writer, but I didn’t know if that was my calling, but then I heard, what I thought was god, and he told me that I should be a pastor. My excitement overtook my body, and I jumped on that plan. At this time, I was also beginning a courtship with a girl, one that was going to this little Christian college, in August. She convinced me to apply at CBC (Central Bible College) and I did. A week later, I got a call while eating out with a few friends. CBC called to inform me that I had been accepted into their school. But a month later, they conjoined with another school, which raised the tuition. They also lost my entry fee. With all this going on, I decided to leave this option on the curb, and go a different way. That is when I found WRSM (World revival school of ministry.)
I didn’t want to go to a seminar, yet I applied. I don’t remember applying, honestly, but I did. I was accepted, and was on my way to Kansas City, Mo in August. The day I left home, I remember getting a mile out of town, then I heard a voice inside saying “NO!” I wasn’t sure what it was, but I marked it down as fear, and kept driving. That voice was warning me about what was about to occur.
I was happy when I got to the new home, my heart was racing, but something didn’t feel right. I figured this was from the change of location, so I fought it. But as the time went on, the feeling got worse. I wasn’t doing well at the time, I couldn’t sleep at nights, I couldn’t find a job, I wasn’t feeling the same about church, I was a mess. Then I met this guy, Craig, and we talked. I told him that I wasn’t feeling the same about this dream, and that I was thinking about leaving, after the semester was over. He wanted me to stay, saying this was a great place to be, especially if I was wanting to pursue Gods will. I felt bad for even questioning if I were suppose to be her not, I didn’t want to question Gods plan, so I decided to stay, still with no job or money.
A month before I left:
The pains of not fitting in are heavy, I haven’t met any close friends, even after being here for six months. When the church service starts, I feel empty inside, its an emptiness that I can’t fill with anything. I don’t know what to do, I don’t feel God anymore. I have prayed and prayed, but nothing is working. I am lost in self-doubt and frustration. I even started to doubt Gods existence at this point. Then there he stood, my youth pastor, at my front door step. He came down to give me a care package, but I needed more. I needed to talk to him, quickly. I needed to open up to someone, so we went out to dinner. I opened up in the middle of a empty Ihop, crying my eyes out from the heartache I had from this school. I was going to church five days a week, yet wasn’t feeling God? I knew there was something not clicking. My youth pastor told me that these were the choices: I come home, or I fight through. He told me that I had to pick the choice, that he couldn’t pick for me. He ensured that he was here for me with whatever I choose.
The answer came to me, about two weeks later. There was a big conference in town for the weekend. I was a part of the chair crew, which is a group that puts up chairs and tears them down, but this was for a church of 1000 and had to be done 2 times a day. With the conference in town, that added to the amount of work we had. During that week, I only got three hours of sleep. I remember someone coming up to me, and asking if I were okay. I smiled and told them I was doing just fine, but they saw through my lie, and asked how much I have been sleeping. With knowing, they knew, I told them the truth. They told me to go home, and get some sleep. But as they walked away, I laughed and went back to work. I would have felt guilty if I would have slacked off, since the school did give me a quarter free. I spent that semester working my butt off, just to pay them back. At the end, I wasn’t happy, though. That is when I decided to come home.
I still didn’t have any solid income. The house parents told me that I needed to get a job, quickly, or they would have to kick me out. So while they were at church, one Sunday, I decided to pack up my car and come back home. I felt a huge burden being lifted off my shoulders as I crossed back over to Illinois, I knew at this point, this was suppose to be my calling. I was called to stay in Illinois, and figure my life out. I wasn’t needed in a new land, but I needed to be somewhere I knew. My calling was to be a writer, something I could do right here in Illinois, for now.  

Impromtdude @ Facebook.com/impromtdude

When I buy coffee, I don’t buy the foam cup, that leads to me filling it up and putting a gallon of sugar in the coffee. No, I spend the extra money and buy a java monster. My favorite so far has been the Irish blend. I love the way the sugar blends with the strong coffee, but there is something that I always forget to do.
Java monsters are in tin cans, almost like a soda, so I don’t think to shake the little can of happiness. But then when I open the can and take the first drink, it taste like a water-downed espresso shot, which is the third worst taste in the world. I almost want to throw away the coffee, because I cant shake it, since it is opened. But then I thought of a great idea.
I put my life at stake, every time I do this, but I found a way to shake it. I will open the can, realize the coffee isn’t stirred, but I don’t freak out anymore. I simply put my tongue inside of the sharp opening and tip the can up and down a few times. The coffee is then stirred, and ready to be drank.
You would think that I would know to shake it, since I buy them almost daily, but that isnt the case. Either it is super early in the morning, or I figured I would have shook the can by the time of consumption. Both lead to that first horrible gulp, which stays in my mouth in the duration of the whole can. It almost ruins the taste of the coffee, but I can’t stop.
These coffees are so addicting, monster is horrible enough as an energy drink, so why would you put two of my weaknesses together. I am shocked that my heart doesn’t give out, with all of the caffiene it must endure, but it is stronger than the abuse, which I’m thankful for!
If you take anything from this post, take this, don’t forget to shake up certain drinks. This may include orange juice, coffees, yahoos, and milks. The taste of these items without shaking, will lead to a taste like orange juice and toothpaste. You have had an experience with an addict, please take the time to shake your drinks, it could save a taste buds life!

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Impromtdude @ Facebook.com/impromtdude