Posts Tagged ‘gone’

Before we start tonight, I want to spend a few minutes and say thank you. John, thank you for caring about me. You texted me last night and told me how awesome I was. Thank you for sharing about your day, sorry that your day wasn’t that great. You deserve the best. You deserve to be happy and have amazing days. I am glad to hear that you wait for my posts, you have helped me decide that I want to continue writing. Thank you! You rock, I love you!

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She is gone.
When my mother left, it hurt me more than I knew. She walked out the door and walked out into the night air. She was gone and I was without a mother. I was without someone that I trusted my life with, she was gone. She didn’t care that I was hurting, she had things to do and I wasn’t a part of her plans. It took many years for me to find a way to cope with her absence, but this type of coping may have led me through more walls than doors. The way that I have coped with her being gone is being a comical jerk, someone that has to make jokes to hide that he is actually hurt.
In high school, I use to make fun of my mother, and I would laugh along with all of my friends. They didn’t know that I was actually broken, but I never wanted them to know that. It was a sign of weakness to show that I was vulnerable, so I put up all of these walls to make sure no one saw that I was hurt. I hid behind my humor and everyone fell for it. This was great! I was able to convince myself that I was okay with not having my mother. This was great until it began to be a bigger part of me. I began to joke about everything, until nothing was serious to me. This did change when I started to go to church. Church was the only time that I would actually let my emotions flow. Talking to God was the best feeling. Even if he didn’t say anything to me, I knew (in my heart) that he was listening to me. I was able to finally cry without being afraid of someone laughing at me.
I use to cry a lot at church. I would lay on my face and just bawl. Sometimes, I didn’t even know why I was crying, but it felt so good, so I never questioned it. There was a service about mothers, and I remember sinking into my seat and bawling. I cried the whole sermon and more. I was called to the front to talk to the pastors after the sermon and they hugged me. I don’t know why, but it actually felt like my mother was hugging me. Great, things are good now, right? I was able to get back to feeling, I was able to cry again, I was no longer scared to let my emotions out, correct? Yeah, NO! It lasted for a while, but nothing stayed that good for long.
I did say that it lasted for a while, right? I was able to let my emotions out for a good amount of time, but then something happened. I was no longer able to feel. My emotions were shut off and I couldn’t feel inside my heart. I was becoming cold and angry, again. Church just wasn’t the same, anymore. I was drifting away from God and I didn’t know what I was doing wrong. I thought going to church more would help. The more that I went, though, the more that I felt the pain grow. Even if the sermon was the most touching, I was unable to go to that place, the place where my emotions could be freed. I needed serious help, my walls were being built again, the same walls my mother forced me to build years before. This is when I began to push people away.
I was able to find my emotions, again. They were found in a girl. This girl was standing twenty feet from me, my heart felt alive again. The next couple months were the best in my life. She taught me what it felt like to care. She taught me why it’s okay to let my emotions out. I was told that emotions were never meant to stay within, because they are meant to be carried by two, not by one. This shook me as I opened up, something that I should have never done. She broke my heart a month later. She allowed her sister to dictate who she was allowed to talk to. Again, the wall went up. This time, it stayed.
I moved away the next summer. I was chasing something, a feeling that I once felt. There was a Church that I thought would help me, but it came to pass. When I got there, it wasn’t the same. This is when I realized that my walk with Christ was no longer the same. I tried to get back to the way that I use to feel, but nothing would work. I only stayed a semester, then moved back home.
Nothing was the same when I got back, though. People moved on and plans changed. It was like I was in a whole new place, with people that I didn’t know. I guess I was hurt that no one seemed to care that I was back. They were okay without me. I told myself that it was a lie, but I never could seem to convince myself. This is when I met my wife, Ariel. She gave me happiness, but something was still missing. The piece that will always be missing. When my mother left, she took something from me that I didn’t know. She took my emotions. I haven’t felt truly sad about something in over 5 years. I stopped caring when I got back from college, when I saw that everyone moved on, When I realized that everyone moved on like my mother. I try to find a way to break down this wall, but the tools are not strong enough. They are broke under the pressure of all my DAMN baggage, I feel like I will never be okay. I miss her! I wish that I could have a heart to heart conversation with my mother. I want to ask her what she was thinking, why she left us, why couldn’t she just be a GODDAMN GOOD PARENT!! But I will never know. She will always have an excuse, I just wish I meant more to her, meant enough for her to drop her act and tell me why she left me. She left too soon.

Dear Mom,
I sit here, waiting for you to walk in those doors. I waited for you to come back for years, but you never came back. You had better things to do, but we weren’t it, were we? Why did you leave me, why did you leave me with these questions? I deserve these answers, dammit! I have giving you the power for so many years, hoping that you would just tell me why I wasn’t good enough!!!!! I want the power back, but you forced these walls up and I cant break them down. I want to take the wall down, but I cant without knowing how you could leave me as a child. How could you leave me at Ten and never even check up on me. I spent years trying to find you, but when I found you, you were full of excuses. You hurt me more than anything. But my biggest question is; why is it that you hurt me so much, but I still want you to hug me and tell me that you love me. Mom, I wish you were better. I wish you weren’t gone. 
Sincerely yours,
A BROKEN CHILD.

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Impromtdude @ Facebook.com/impromtdude

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Exactly how I feel…

Posted: January 30, 2017 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , ,


This was a status from 2014.This is what I’m fighting with. I know how to escape this prison. I have won this battle before. It is just sad to see that this happens every year. What would you do? 

​I have never had this bad of writers block. Usually Ill have it for a few days maybe a week then it leaves, but this time it has lasted for almost a dang year. I feel like just putting up my pen and calling it in. I still have passion to write, just everything I write sounds dumb and stale (as a video stated earlier) I wish I had another option but I can barely form a sentence when writing without wanting to “Save” the file and move on with my life. Why is this happening to me. 
So here comes the farewell to writing. 

(This was just a status. I don’t plan on quiting anytime soon.) 

And it starts now!
I wanted to start this year off great, but that didn’t go as planned. I think I slept all day, yesterday. Yes. This is true; I did sleep all day yesterday. I went to work and came home to sleep until 5 a.m. today. I needed the sleep, but I forgot to write before I went to bed. This means that I forgot to post on New Years Day. This is great since I made a New Years Resolution to write more. Before you start to throw tomatoes, understand the situation.

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I am tired of not being able to say “I have had good times!” This is why I went all out on New Years Eve. We decided to have a party at our house and lets say; WE GOT TURNT UP! We had one of the best nights, ever. The party didn’t get too out of control, but every single person had a great time, including myself.

We started out by eating pizza. We went cheap and got frozen pizza. But the frozen pizza was even good. I think we had the pizza for only ten minutes. After the pizza, we all got the table set up for some fun. The fun was to start with a few games of Beer Pong. We bought the crappy, cheap beer so that people would suffer from the taste. I was on fire during the first few matches, but my team lost all the matches. This was a great start for what was about to happen.

Now, know that I am not a drinker. I have been drunk once before and it didn’t turn out good. This time it was different. We all gathered around the table and took shots of all different alcohols, while making silly jokes about everything in life. We got hungry in the middle of the alcohol so we started to eat pizza rolls. We also stopped so we could watch the ball drop and play some COD. But once the ball dropped, we were all back in the kitchen, tipping back some harder drinks than before.

It was 3am in no time. This is when the really funny stuff began to happen. I wont name any names, but Ross got a pitcher of Gatorade thrown on him, Frank threw up first then cried, I fell off a chair and hit my head, Harold was making gay passes towards me, and Henry fell through a door. All this lead up to Frank breaking our couch. He was sloppy drunk and tried to lie down on the couch. Well, he is overweight and landed directly on the arm of the couch. Luckily, this isn’t a couch that we care about and have wanted to throw away for a few years, so it was funny to see him fall. At this point, we were tipsy at least, so anything was funny, honestly. I don’t remember every detail, but I know that the party stopped at 3:15 a.m. and I had to be at work at 5 a.m.

I wasn’t drunk, but even working tipsy was going to be a challenge. Luckily, I was only there to help our GM with counts, but even that was a challenge. My GM was okay with me coming in with alcohol in my system, and she knew that I had been drink; she made the comment “Damn, I can smell the booze on you!” This was followed by a long laughter and a offer of some nausea medicine. I declined the medicine, of course, but we made jokes the whole time about what happened the night before.

I only worked until 12, but those were the longest hours, eveeeeeerrrrrr. I had to wait for my ride (because I don’t drink and drive!) which showed up at 12:30. When I got home, I was shocked on how fast I fell asleep. I slept all the way through the night, with only waking up to eat pizza. I finally woke up at 5 a.m.

Now, after the night of adventure, I am starting this 365 days in a row posting challenge. I know I can do it, but know it might be hard! Either way, I want to say one thing. If you are young, do what young people do. This doesn’t mean you have to drink. Do what you think will make you feel like your age. Life is too damn short to feel like you’re in prison! Live like your last day is tomorrow, or you will wake up in 40-years, wishing you could go back and live. Don’t be that girl/boy. Live now!  

Impromtdude @ Facebook.com/impromtdude

A big disappointment!
I walked out of my workplace and to my car, it was a beautiful day. It was slightly raining, which is how I like it! We just got paid and I was ready to go spend some cash on a new laptop. The laptop was one that was written down due to overstock. With the computer being so cheap, My wife and I decided that both of us would get one, her for work and Netflix, and me for writing and porn. It was a great plan.
When we first saw the laptop, a few weeks back, we weren’t really wanting to spend the money so we told ourselves “oh next pay.” We thought that the laptops would still be on sale and that we would finally have something nice. So we get into our beat up Ford and drive over to the far-side Walmart. Though, not being a big fan of Walmart electronics, it was marked down low enough to snag it up with no true regrets. Also, it was a new laptop, why wouldn’t you get it?
We got to Wal-mart and walked in. I needed to buy some transmission fluid, so that was the first stop. We looked for a good few minutes, as we couldn’t find the transmission fluid, since it was beside a line of motor oil with the same label. After collecting a few bottles for the car, we rounded the corner into the electronics. Having a feeling that the laptop wouldn’t be there, I made a few other purchases first; we looked at the aux wires, the clearance for electronics and the movies. After our hearts were ready for disappointment, we walked over the laptops.
The laptop was there. It was a light blue HP with all the perks I want, but there was no price tag. I was confused, so I walked over to the other side where the other higher priced laptops sit. “How can I help you?” an employee asked. I explained to him that we wanted the light blue laptop and that it was recently discounted. He agreed that the laptop was a discounted item but that they had sold out of the product and they aren’t getting anymore in. He told me that they were at other stores, but they weren’t at the cheap price as here, which I knew. I was upset, the one  time I wanted something nice and had the money, it was gone? Just my luck.
It does seem like every time that something is going my way, something else has to happen to cause me to not get my way. It is like the universe doesn’t want me happy, so it will throw mountains in my way so that I stumble. Let me tell you, it is getting very annoying. I only want something nice, just once. But for now I will continue to write on my tablet and watch my porn on the T.V. (That is a joke!) Hopefully one day I can get something nice. I laugh and shut my tablet. 

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Impromtdude @ Facebook.com/impromtdude

I haven’t turned my game system on  in about 3 months. I haven’t played a game in that time. I use to play video games every day. Most of the time, I would play the game for three-six hours a day. But that is what happens. I will play a game until it gets boring, and instead of switching the game, I will just stop playing video games all together.

When I was playing, though, I found myself addicted to the post apocalypse thriller, Fallout. I was playing Fallout: New Vegas, and may I say I was having such a great time. I was loving the fact that it was open-world and that you literally never knew what was around each door, corner, or rock. It was such an entertaining game to play, and to explore in. I was maxed out in no time. I had every gun that was on the game, over 300 stimpacks, and enough bottle caps to buy every house in America. I accumulated over 80 hours, and completed the whole story, but then came the problem.
When you get to a certain time in the game, you have to have all the DLCs to continue. I found this out when I went to load my previous game, and it said that map content was needed. I didn’t have Xbox Live so I was screwed. I laid my controller on top of my Xbox and walked away. I was so angry that I just wasted all that time, and for what? I couldn’t play anymore. But then the Gods came down and gave me the solution.

There is a thing called Fallout: New Vegas Ultimate Edition. This is the game of the year edition, which contains all the map packs and bonus features. This is what I needed to get my hands on, and fast. I ran to the store, but they didn’t have it. It was an old game, so the only place that would have it would be GameStop. I hate the price that GameStop places on games. I knew that I would be paying a pretty penny to get a game that I already have. But with my character being a “lost cause” if I didn’t get it, I knew it was needed. I went into hell of gaming, GameStop. They greeted me like any devil would, and asked if I needed something. I said no, you cant let them see weakness, and walked to the shelves of overpriced games. I searched through their labels and finally came to the F’s. I didn’t see it, my heart was weak, but then, behind another game, lied the Ultimate Edition. I jumped, literally, and ran up to the counter. They asked me if I wanted a brand new copy of Fallout 3: GOTY and Fallout: New Vegas UE. It would come out to be $25. I was happy to say yes, since I needed the GOTY edition also. They added the tax, and I gave them the money.

I drove home nearly in tears, ready to complete Fallout: NV. When I got home, I plopped in the disc and downloaded the content, and spent hours playing the rest of the game. I still haven’t done much with the DLCs, but soon I will! I love to sit back sometimes and venture through a post-apocalyptic world. I just have to be in the right mood to do so. What do you like about video games? 

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Impromtdude @ Facebook.com/impromtdude

      Tim Tebow has been released from the Philadelphia Eagles on 9-4-15 the day before the 53-man roster is due to be in.
     
       Tim Tebow went 11-17 in his passing attack against the New York Jets in the teams last Nfl Preseason game. This game was Tim’s last opportunity to show Chip Kelly that he was worth one of his roster spots. As of yesterday, it seemed Tebow Time was about to reoccur with the trade of M. Barkley after his poor preseason performance.
      Chip Kelly gave both of the players a half of playing time to impress him for the third-string QB spot. Tebow outshined Barkley in all areas of play. Where Barkley only had 45 yards in 4 completions and 1 interception. Tebow had 189 yards in only 11 completions, but also had a pair of touchdowns with the blemish of one interception.
With the cut of T. Tebow, this puts him in the Free Agent pool for the third season in the row, going into week 1. It seems that this is the end of Tebow, where no other team is seeming interested in this Florida Superstar.
     
        Tebow led the Denver Broncos to the Division title against the New England Patriots after beating Kyle Orton out of the starting spot, after a 1-4 start to the season by Orton. Though he got to the divisional title, he would be dominated leading to a 45-10 loss. Patriots would lose to the Giants in the Superbowl.
Championship Bound- My Rap about Tebow (2011)

Impromtdude @ Facebook.com/impromtdude

      Tim Tebow has been released from the Philadelphia Eagles on 9-4-15 the day before the 53-man roster is due to be in.
     
       Tim Tebow went 11-17 in his passing attack against the New York Jets in the teams last Nfl Preseason game. This game was Tim’s last opportunity to show Chip Kelly that he was worth one of his roster spots. As of yesterday, it seemed Tebow Time was about to reoccur with the trade of M. Barkley after his poor preseason performance.

       Chip Kelly gave both of the players a half of playing time to impress him for the third-string QB spot. Tebow outshined Barkley in all areas of play. Where Barkley only had 45 yards in 4 completions and 1 interception. Tebow had 189 yards in only 11 completions, but also had a pair of touchdowns with the blemish of one interception.
With the cut of T. Tebow, this puts him in the Free Agent pool for the third season in the row, going into week 1. It seems that this is the end of Tebow, where no other team is seeming interested in this Florida Superstar.
     
        Tebow led the Denver Broncos to the Division title against the New England Patriots after beating Kyle Orton out of the starting spot, after a 1-4 start to the season by Orton. Though he got to the divisional title, he would be dominated leading to a 45-10 loss. Patriots would lose to the Giants in the Superbowl.
Championship Bound- My Rap about Tebow (2011)

Impromtdude @ Facebook.com/impromtdude