Posts Tagged ‘funny’

Take a seat, my lovely people. Today, we will be talking about the most popular thing for texting since texting surfaced. We are talking about the small emotions that you can send to your friends for different situations. Some are to tell people that you arenas, where others are to show your affection. Whether you use them for other reasons one thing never changes; you use Emojis. You wouldn’t be hip if you didn’t. 

For me Emojis are fast ways to tell people how I feel. I use 😂 to express that I find something really funny/ultra dumb. It would be akward to write “lmao” on someone’s status, but this makes the situation less AWKWARD and saves time on typing. 

Today, I want to share with you what 10 emjois make texting best for me. I use probably 90% of the emjois on my phone, but I have thought this out, and now I will tell you. Because, I know you really want to know this 😉.

10. 😮 “Let me tell you; I cant believe you’re actually this dumb” or “oooo that’s cool..” 

9. 😏 “Well, you know I’m the bomb” (used when someone says something nice about me)

8. 😑 😐”You’re too dumb for the internet.” 

7. 😒 “How the hell are you this dumb…Shut up, already.” 

6. 💪👊 “I am the best!” “We rock! Good job!” Usually used after I accomplished something. 

5. 🔪🔫 “I’m not scared to kill you.” 

4. 😉 “You should include me in your plans” or “You know what I want.” (Never used in a sexual way)

3. 😄 😃😅 “Ah, that was funny, but I have seen better.”

2.😶😮😖😕😔 “You lost your internet privileges….” 

1. 😂😘😍😎 “This is the funniest/cutest thing ever!!!!!!!” Or “You’re my funny bestie!!!”

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Now that I found it.
Now that I found the item, we can move on. The night was young. This is the story about my attempt to make my phone work again. It was a late night in the capitol city. The last bus just picked up their last passenger. The night was almost over. The breeze was slightly blowing the leaves across my yard. I walked outside to feel the breeze on my face, but when I stepped outside the wind stopped blowing. Yet, when I walked back inside, the wind began to blow again. This has nothing to do with the story, I just felt it was weird.

I was sitting at my desk after a long day. The day consisted of work. I had to work a long shift. It was a total of 6 hours. This is a long shift for a man with a tough life. I couldn’t imagine ever working longer than 6 hours. I have to give props to anyone that works more than 6 hours, it takes a lot to do that so good job, guys. Anyway, the day was a long, hard day that consisted of me sitting in front of a computer screen. I was doing my schedules for the infants. They have been bad lately, so I wasn’t forced to give them any hours. This being said, I have to tell you that I didn’t have to work hard at all. But what happened later was what killed me.

After work, I had to go and get something to eat. I decided to go to Taco Bell. I wanted to kill my insides, so I ordered a few extra items. If I was going to kill my insides, I wanted to make sure they wouldn’t become zombies afterwards. After scarfing the few tacos down and sitting for a few minutes, I started to feel the pain. I ran to the bathroom and died there. Yes, I am telling you that I am the living dead. My sole purpose was to find one thing. I was searching for the one item that I couldn’t find. The item has a lot of purpose and I needed to find it, so I had to find it, even if it took me all night.

After a hour of searching, I found the item. I found the item and now I am not using it. I found the item on the ground. I couldn’t tell you guys about finding the item until I found the item, but I finally found it.  The reason I am not using it is because I found the same item before finding the other item, so now I have two of the same item, so I don’t need the other. But the morale of the story is that I just wasted your time telling you about an item that I don’t even need. You’re welcome!

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Impromtdude @ Facebook.com/impromtdude

And it starts now!
I wanted to start this year off great, but that didn’t go as planned. I think I slept all day, yesterday. Yes. This is true; I did sleep all day yesterday. I went to work and came home to sleep until 5 a.m. today. I needed the sleep, but I forgot to write before I went to bed. This means that I forgot to post on New Years Day. This is great since I made a New Years Resolution to write more. Before you start to throw tomatoes, understand the situation.

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I am tired of not being able to say “I have had good times!” This is why I went all out on New Years Eve. We decided to have a party at our house and lets say; WE GOT TURNT UP! We had one of the best nights, ever. The party didn’t get too out of control, but every single person had a great time, including myself.

We started out by eating pizza. We went cheap and got frozen pizza. But the frozen pizza was even good. I think we had the pizza for only ten minutes. After the pizza, we all got the table set up for some fun. The fun was to start with a few games of Beer Pong. We bought the crappy, cheap beer so that people would suffer from the taste. I was on fire during the first few matches, but my team lost all the matches. This was a great start for what was about to happen.

Now, know that I am not a drinker. I have been drunk once before and it didn’t turn out good. This time it was different. We all gathered around the table and took shots of all different alcohols, while making silly jokes about everything in life. We got hungry in the middle of the alcohol so we started to eat pizza rolls. We also stopped so we could watch the ball drop and play some COD. But once the ball dropped, we were all back in the kitchen, tipping back some harder drinks than before.

It was 3am in no time. This is when the really funny stuff began to happen. I wont name any names, but Ross got a pitcher of Gatorade thrown on him, Frank threw up first then cried, I fell off a chair and hit my head, Harold was making gay passes towards me, and Henry fell through a door. All this lead up to Frank breaking our couch. He was sloppy drunk and tried to lie down on the couch. Well, he is overweight and landed directly on the arm of the couch. Luckily, this isn’t a couch that we care about and have wanted to throw away for a few years, so it was funny to see him fall. At this point, we were tipsy at least, so anything was funny, honestly. I don’t remember every detail, but I know that the party stopped at 3:15 a.m. and I had to be at work at 5 a.m.

I wasn’t drunk, but even working tipsy was going to be a challenge. Luckily, I was only there to help our GM with counts, but even that was a challenge. My GM was okay with me coming in with alcohol in my system, and she knew that I had been drink; she made the comment “Damn, I can smell the booze on you!” This was followed by a long laughter and a offer of some nausea medicine. I declined the medicine, of course, but we made jokes the whole time about what happened the night before.

I only worked until 12, but those were the longest hours, eveeeeeerrrrrr. I had to wait for my ride (because I don’t drink and drive!) which showed up at 12:30. When I got home, I was shocked on how fast I fell asleep. I slept all the way through the night, with only waking up to eat pizza. I finally woke up at 5 a.m.

Now, after the night of adventure, I am starting this 365 days in a row posting challenge. I know I can do it, but know it might be hard! Either way, I want to say one thing. If you are young, do what young people do. This doesn’t mean you have to drink. Do what you think will make you feel like your age. Life is too damn short to feel like you’re in prison! Live like your last day is tomorrow, or you will wake up in 40-years, wishing you could go back and live. Don’t be that girl/boy. Live now!  

Impromtdude @ Facebook.com/impromtdude

Hi there, 

  How are you doing? I am glad to hear that. You must be excited for the holidays, I know I surely am! I can’t wait for the special day when we get to open presents! It’s going to be great this year. Would you like to know why? I really hope you said yes, or this might be awkward for you. 

  Oh crap! I always forget to tell people my name. Hello, my name is Lennon. I am currently one of the top Elves at the N. Pole. This is a great job because we get new jobs every year. This is what I have to talk to you about. Santa says that I need to “reach out” to promote what I do. This is where you’re needed. I am a sex slave and I need you to subscribe. 

  I need the numbers…it’s really freaking important. If I don’t the numbers, Santa says I can’t come inside. Do you know how cold it is here? Of course you don’t, it’s F…… Cold…. So please just take a second and give me a chance. I have a lot to offer! 

  You might want to know what I can do? Well I can bend all the way back, I can fetch, I’m a great singer, I have a sexy dancing body! I can do things with my tongue that even girls can’t do. Overall, I am a full package. Oh did I tell you I can clean, pay bills, and I’m great with children! I am what every single wants, so why not give me a flipping chance? 

   If you give me that one chance, I promise that you won’t want to give me back. It doesn’t even have to be about sex, I am warm blooded, so we can cuddle and you would love it! I think I’m selling it, let’s talk about the application and costs.
  For the applications; we only need your name, number, address, recent std test, and a valid credit card. All information is confidential and we shred it when you return me!!! No problem with saftey here:)
   Now, I know you are paying for Christmas, so I will give you a HUGE discount. Usually, I am $19.99 for 1month. But with it being so close to Christmas, I am going to pay for over 50%. You will only be paying $5.99 for the rest of this month and the entire month of January. That is a huge deal, one that you can’t pass up! What are you waiting for? Oh you need the number. That’s right!!!!  1-800-sex-elf1

Call, I will be waiting 😉

Nerf attack.

Posted: November 6, 2016 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Nerf guns
    Have you been living an adult life too long? Do you feel like you never have fun? I know I have, that is why we bought something today that will help with that. Nerf Guns are very cheap at Wal-Mart and so far they are really making Ariel and I feel like children again. This is good. Ariel and I never get to sit back and relax, this usually leads to a depressing and stress filled life.

Ariel was able to get a big pistol and a small pistol for less than twenty dollars, where I got the same small pistol but a sniper rifle for less than twenty, also. Now, we did get extra darts, but that only cost an additional eight dollars. There are more expensive/cheap guns in the aisle, but we decided to get the ones that looked the coolest without breaking the bank, that is.

When we got home, we pulled the guns out of the bag and set up a fortress. We told her brother to come down stairs and we unloaded the guns into his chest. You should have seen his face when he was being pelted with the darts, it was a fun time. After we attacked her brother, I turned on my teammate and shot her. The dart went too high and hit her in the nose. She grabbed her nose and laughed. I thought she was going to let me off with a warning, but she didn’t . She turned on me, likewise and shot me in the face with her dart. Those foam darts actually hurt but not too bad.

After I fell to the ground,  she got on top of me and put the gun in my face. She forced me to give up and I did. She then got off and shot me one last time. As she walked away, I pulled my pistol up and took one final shot, hitting her in the back of the head. She then came back and unloaded all her darts into my body. I ran out of darts and fully gave up, putting my gun down on the ground and shooting my hands into the air. She gave me a slight slap and walked away the victor.

This should be proof that you don’t need to do a lot to be happy. A simple $30 purchase turned out to be the life of this house. It is a very safe activity since it cant break anything, and we are able to do it together. I think I am going to wake her up tonight with another attack, but we will see. Either way, This was the beginning of something amazing, something fun.  

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Impromtdude @ Facebook.com/impromtdude

   This guy just walked by Subway. I am sitting here, thinking about my day and what I should do, when this guy walks by the store. He was about 5’10 and really skinny. He had a small beard and wrinkles filled the corner of his eyes. This guy looked old enough to be someones dad, but not quite someones grandpa. Either way, He looked straight ahead as he walked, not giving any attention from his foward step.
    I heard a loud noise in the distance, almost as if a car engine was being turned over, after being started. I pulled my head to the direction and looked for the problem. I saw that an airplane was falling to the ground. The plane must have lost power or something, because it was falling pretty quickly. It was heading towards the Subway. My eyes grew huge as I looked at the falling plane, not knowing what to do. I put my head down as the plane kept getting closer, praying for a hero to save me. The gentleman that I saw moments earlier appears. I told him to run and get away as quickly as possible. He stood there almost dumb to the situation. I shook my head and pushed him to leave. This was when he put his hand out and jumped. He leaped into the air and met up with the plane.
    His strong hands stopped the plane, as he threw it back into the air. At first, I was relieved to know I was alive, but then I thought “what about the plane.” The plane didn’t have any power to fly, so he probably killed all those passengers. My heart dropped as I ran up to him. I shove him and ask what he was thinking. He only said one thing “I am not a hero, I am for the blood.” He then turned around and vanished.

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Impromtdude

I am so pissed.

McDonald’s went ahead and did it again. They changed something that I am angry about, as you might be as well. It’s typical for any big chain to change something, eventually. It is about keeping up with the crowd and adapting to what people like. The problem is McDonald’s doesn’t know what their people want. People want more choices, they want new choices, so what does MDs do? They shrink their menu to a few basic choices. What happened to the BBQ Ranch burger, Buffalo ranch Mcchicken or the Angus wraps? They disappeared when they started to become great. But none of these previous items compare to what McDonald’s did recently. In my region (Central Illinois) the Co-op McDonald’s decided to go with a new gravy.

The gravy that we had before was a powder that we added water to, then we wool chop up cooked sausage and throw it in. This was the best gravy since it tasted like it was homemade. But now, we are going to this new frozen gravy. I nearly punched the woman (On the phone) when she told me. I pleaded with her to send us a case of the powder gravy, but she said they discontinued it and that it was unavailable. This forced us with this crap. When we first got the gravy, I opened up the case and saw that it was darker and it said it was mild gravy meaning that it was hotter. I didn’t have a good feeling about it, but time could only tell.

We finally ran out of the powder gravy so we had to make the frozen gravy. I didn’t want to be a huge douche about it, since I never tasted it, so I decided to get a biscuits and gravy. (This was paid by McDonald, thank God for working there…) This is when I thought “oooooo…I could do another food review.” Here we are, ready to dip into the gravy.

First, let me start off by saying that the gravy doesn’t look any different when cooked. When it was frozen it seemed to have a dark brown tint to it, but that goes away when cooked. The Biscuits also changed, they are now bigger and softer! Next, the smell is quite the same, yet this gravy does have a distinctive spice smell to it. The gravy is thicker than the other gravy, which is great to me as I like it thick (Giggity.) This all doesn’t matter if it doesn’t meet my standards of taste.

I took a bite of the Biscuit and Gravy and didn’t taste anything different at first, but slowly the new spices came to me. The more I ate, the more that my throat started to have a light burn to it. The heat wasn’t anything to me, as I eat hotter, but for an old couple, they might not find it as great as me. The sausage wasn’t that great, the sausage was dark and looked nasty, it also didn’t taste like sausage. If anything it tasted like a cardboard! I found that the gravy was only made up from the actually gravy, the sausage didn’t give it an extra flavor or anything, it seemed it was only there for show. Also the gravy didn’t taste homemade, which really blows since that was the biggest thing I loved about the old gravy.

Overall, the Biscuits and gravy was good. I could tell that the gravy wasn’t homemade, which is a big let down. I feel that most customers love that our gravy taste homemade, prompting them to get it. The spice is unneeded. I could understand the spice if they were a smaller venue, as they don’t serve to millions, but this is McDonalds where old people come to enjoy a quick breakfast. The spice could limit the amount of buyers, since not all elderly couples can have spicy food. Other than that, I could only sum this whole change up in one phrase “It’s McDonalds.” They are always seeming to change, which some are good, but this time they messed up. I might have liked it, but I know most won’t. That’s the tough part about food, some will and some won’t. Either way, I would recommend this to the younger crowd, but would advise elderly and children to stay away. My score is 5/10. Do better next time, McDonald’s!

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Impromtdude @ Facebook.com/impromtdude

Thankfully for the Titans coming back to beat the Lions, I was able to keep a record of 9-5 in week 2 picks. Though the Packers should have won, and I was too stubborn to go against my favorite team, a few other games were just amazing. The Rams went on to beat the struggling offense of Seattle, and the Raiders fell short to the Falcons. Other than that, the week went just like I planned. Now, with a record of 9-5, I bring you this weeks picks! (Including the close game of the week!)

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Texans at Patriots
Winner: Texans

     Ravens at Jaguars
Winner: Jaguars

Redskins at Giants
Winner: Giants
(Close game of the week 21-18)

Lions at Packers
Winner: Packers

Browns at Dolphins
Winner: Browns

Vikings at Panthers
Winner: Panthers

Broncos at Bengals
Winner: Broncos

Cardinals at Bills
Winner: Cardinals

Raiders at Titans
Winner: Raiders

Rams at Bucs
Winner: Bucs

49ers at Seahawks
Winner: Seahawks

      Steelers at Eagles
Winner: Steelers

      Jets at Chiefs
     Winner: Chiefs

      Chargers at Colts
      Winner: Colts

     Bears at Cowboys
     Winner: Cowboys

      Falcons at Saints
     Winner: Saints

Few Notes:
Texans win due to the Patriots having to play Rookie, Jacoby Brissett (Garoppolo, shoulder Gronkowski, Ankle)

Packers will come out looking for vengance after that tough conference loss. Look for Rodgers to have a huge game.

Broncos only win if the defense plays well. The Bengals have allowed opposing defenses to get to Dalton, which could be a huge factor since they are facing Von Miller. We will see though. I also think its time to get Paxton ready!

Carson Wentz will have his first huge game, this Sunday. This will open everyone’s eyes to see if he is the future, or if he just was getting lucky. Wentz only had 180 yards to one of the worse defenses on MNF.

Impromtdude @ Facebook.com/impromtdude

    Does anyone know where my Honda went? Someone must have stolen it…
    This will be a quick story about my old church. This story came in my third year of being a Christian. I was talking to a pastor about speaking in tongues. I always wanted to do the impossible, and for me speaking in tongues was impossible. I didn’t understand it and always felt it was a trick to get people more hyped in church, but for some reason, I was never able to achieve the goal of doing so.

    Being very frustrated, I wanted to get my pastors advice. What he told me was un-releastic and made me question everything. I don’t know if he was joking, but  if he wasn’t then there are so many people walking around, thinking they are giving a gift of God, when in reality they are fools of a man’s tricks.

    The trick is very simple. You just have to say a few simple phrases, quickly, and you did it! The phrases are; “Who stole my Honda?” and “Untie my bow tie.” Now of course, one must say them quickly and in a low volume, mainly to ensure no one hears you, but that is the trick. You will be able to speak in tongues without problems, but only of you follow the rules.

    Let me remind you:
1. Get pumped at Church.
2. Lift your hands
3. Start praying
4. Say one of the two phrases.
5. Keep it low volumed and continue.
6. Sell it!
   
   

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Obviously, this isn’t the way to do this, but I found it funny. The Lord is something to not joke about. But also playing tricks on people isn’t acceptable either. So if you want to do this, so be it, but make sure to keep it to yourself. Don’t share my secrets …fool!

Impromtdude

Uh oh, I’m back 😉
There was a post a few week ago called “Two donkeys, one midget.” Welcome to the second part. Enjoy mother feckeurs….
There’s a lot to cover, so don’t interrupt me. I would hate to slay you while I spit against haters and fools, but I’m not worried to do it. Anyways, sit back and shut up. Don’t talk, don’t stand, simply hope that you aren’t in this. Because if you are then you are going to need a paramedic!
First off, Brother don’t screw with me. You think you’re cool, but you don’t even own your own business. You are a hopeful peasant that feeds off someone else’s fame. You wouldn’t be where you are if you didn’t talk to famous people. The worse part is that the people aren’t even famous. You can ask anyone and they wouldn’t know who the heck you’re talking about. I even asked about him and people looked at me dumb. But keep thinking that you are cool as you talk to people that don’t matter. You say you’re further in your career, but you are actually three steps behind. You’re blog is weak and full of mistakes. Where is your content, though? You post three post in the last three months and want to say you’re still relevant? Keep getting the traffic from famous people, because that is your only chance at going anywhere. Keep your mouth shut, don’t make me go off again. You need to worry about paying your bills and worrying less about me.
I wake up every morning at the same time, but sometimes I get behind. I don’t know where the time goes, so get off my back, loser. You keep opening the doors and waiting to attack me. You follow me to the door and call me out once it’s open. Most of the time you say “Look who’s late!” Watch me as I tear you open and leave you to the dogs. That is where you belong, to the dogs. Don’t start crap early in the morning, and you wouldn’t have to worry about being on this track. You’re my brother, but don’t screw with me, since you don’t know what goes on. I try to get there on time and some days I do. Try to do yourself a favor and keep my name out of your mouth, beotch.
I put those near me down, there was just a guy outside. He was looking for something, but I didn’t care. I should have sick my dog on him. I should have released the beast, but he isn’t a beast. The taste of the dumbass would have killed Nims, that’s something that I wouldn’t want. Anyways, this sleezeball wanted to walk by and stare. Fool, you are nothing better. Yeah, I might be in my shorts and a cut-off shirt, but that doesn’t mean anything. I am not trying to be thuggish, so don’t judge a book by its cover. I could judge you but it would be too easy. First, you’re fat. You couldn’t get out of my front door with your overlapping rolls. You must have just got back from an all you can eat buffet, but where the buffet at? Oh yeah, you went crazy and ate the whole building. Your eyes are crossed, stupid. That is why I had to look at you. You fooled me with your constant stare. I thought you were staring when you were actually looking forward the whole time!!!!! You should get that checked out, before you get hurt looking at someone wrong.
We stand in remembrance of those who fell, but you sit on your knees. You should disrespect to those who fought for you. You might think that we hate you, but we never did. Sir, you weren’t alive for anything that you are griping about, so just shut up. But I do understand why you are sitting on your knees. You are just doing what you are good at, and that is getting ready to suck. You’re a washed up piece of shit. This isn’t even about the protesting, because I understand that, this is about you being a washed up dumbass. You lost to a crap player and now you sit on the bench. Sadly, you only got one minute in the blowout. The practice squad only had to worry about you for a minute, yet you still think someone is watching you? No one cares! The only reason anyone cares, is because of the money that big newsstands make from the story! Colin, no one cares about you. WE care about those who are unfairly treated, this isnt about them. No! We love them, but Colin, WE HATE YOU. Have fun being cut from the team….loser.

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Impromtdude @ Facebook.com/impromtdude