Posts Tagged ‘failure’

Before we start tonight, I want to spend a few minutes and say thank you. John, thank you for caring about me. You texted me last night and told me how awesome I was. Thank you for sharing about your day, sorry that your day wasn’t that great. You deserve the best. You deserve to be happy and have amazing days. I am glad to hear that you wait for my posts, you have helped me decide that I want to continue writing. Thank you! You rock, I love you!

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She is gone.
When my mother left, it hurt me more than I knew. She walked out the door and walked out into the night air. She was gone and I was without a mother. I was without someone that I trusted my life with, she was gone. She didn’t care that I was hurting, she had things to do and I wasn’t a part of her plans. It took many years for me to find a way to cope with her absence, but this type of coping may have led me through more walls than doors. The way that I have coped with her being gone is being a comical jerk, someone that has to make jokes to hide that he is actually hurt.
In high school, I use to make fun of my mother, and I would laugh along with all of my friends. They didn’t know that I was actually broken, but I never wanted them to know that. It was a sign of weakness to show that I was vulnerable, so I put up all of these walls to make sure no one saw that I was hurt. I hid behind my humor and everyone fell for it. This was great! I was able to convince myself that I was okay with not having my mother. This was great until it began to be a bigger part of me. I began to joke about everything, until nothing was serious to me. This did change when I started to go to church. Church was the only time that I would actually let my emotions flow. Talking to God was the best feeling. Even if he didn’t say anything to me, I knew (in my heart) that he was listening to me. I was able to finally cry without being afraid of someone laughing at me.
I use to cry a lot at church. I would lay on my face and just bawl. Sometimes, I didn’t even know why I was crying, but it felt so good, so I never questioned it. There was a service about mothers, and I remember sinking into my seat and bawling. I cried the whole sermon and more. I was called to the front to talk to the pastors after the sermon and they hugged me. I don’t know why, but it actually felt like my mother was hugging me. Great, things are good now, right? I was able to get back to feeling, I was able to cry again, I was no longer scared to let my emotions out, correct? Yeah, NO! It lasted for a while, but nothing stayed that good for long.
I did say that it lasted for a while, right? I was able to let my emotions out for a good amount of time, but then something happened. I was no longer able to feel. My emotions were shut off and I couldn’t feel inside my heart. I was becoming cold and angry, again. Church just wasn’t the same, anymore. I was drifting away from God and I didn’t know what I was doing wrong. I thought going to church more would help. The more that I went, though, the more that I felt the pain grow. Even if the sermon was the most touching, I was unable to go to that place, the place where my emotions could be freed. I needed serious help, my walls were being built again, the same walls my mother forced me to build years before. This is when I began to push people away.
I was able to find my emotions, again. They were found in a girl. This girl was standing twenty feet from me, my heart felt alive again. The next couple months were the best in my life. She taught me what it felt like to care. She taught me why it’s okay to let my emotions out. I was told that emotions were never meant to stay within, because they are meant to be carried by two, not by one. This shook me as I opened up, something that I should have never done. She broke my heart a month later. She allowed her sister to dictate who she was allowed to talk to. Again, the wall went up. This time, it stayed.
I moved away the next summer. I was chasing something, a feeling that I once felt. There was a Church that I thought would help me, but it came to pass. When I got there, it wasn’t the same. This is when I realized that my walk with Christ was no longer the same. I tried to get back to the way that I use to feel, but nothing would work. I only stayed a semester, then moved back home.
Nothing was the same when I got back, though. People moved on and plans changed. It was like I was in a whole new place, with people that I didn’t know. I guess I was hurt that no one seemed to care that I was back. They were okay without me. I told myself that it was a lie, but I never could seem to convince myself. This is when I met my wife, Ariel. She gave me happiness, but something was still missing. The piece that will always be missing. When my mother left, she took something from me that I didn’t know. She took my emotions. I haven’t felt truly sad about something in over 5 years. I stopped caring when I got back from college, when I saw that everyone moved on, When I realized that everyone moved on like my mother. I try to find a way to break down this wall, but the tools are not strong enough. They are broke under the pressure of all my DAMN baggage, I feel like I will never be okay. I miss her! I wish that I could have a heart to heart conversation with my mother. I want to ask her what she was thinking, why she left us, why couldn’t she just be a GODDAMN GOOD PARENT!! But I will never know. She will always have an excuse, I just wish I meant more to her, meant enough for her to drop her act and tell me why she left me. She left too soon.

Dear Mom,
I sit here, waiting for you to walk in those doors. I waited for you to come back for years, but you never came back. You had better things to do, but we weren’t it, were we? Why did you leave me, why did you leave me with these questions? I deserve these answers, dammit! I have giving you the power for so many years, hoping that you would just tell me why I wasn’t good enough!!!!! I want the power back, but you forced these walls up and I cant break them down. I want to take the wall down, but I cant without knowing how you could leave me as a child. How could you leave me at Ten and never even check up on me. I spent years trying to find you, but when I found you, you were full of excuses. You hurt me more than anything. But my biggest question is; why is it that you hurt me so much, but I still want you to hug me and tell me that you love me. Mom, I wish you were better. I wish you weren’t gone. 
Sincerely yours,
A BROKEN CHILD.

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Impromtdude @ Facebook.com/impromtdude

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We all have that one fantasy, or something that we would really like to do. I know in my lifetime I want to see the Chicago Cubs actually win the World Series. This being said, this season looks to be the best chance they have, well until they started this series with the L.A. Dodgers. They have dropped their last two games, making it 2-1 and sadly putting them in the position to lose this series, since the next two games are in L.A. Now, let me clarify; I am not a Chicago Cubs fan, nor will I ever jump off my Royals. I am just excited to see history being made, which is what would happen if they did win the World Series. I went as far as promising something crazy if they do win.

I know I am in no position to negotiate with God, nor was that my intention. I just thought it was a good idea at the time. I recently posted to Facebook after the Cubs got shut out for the second straight game. The status said “I will finish my youth pastor studies if the Cubs win, because then we will know that God does exist.” I am being very serious. If the Cubs win, I will study the bible like never before, I will get some kind of certificate (somewhere in the future,) and I will become the thing most want me to become; a youth pastor.

Now, don’t expect me to do this all at once. Clearly I want to get back into studying and going to church and such. But it will eventually happen. I could be Jenkins (Jinx) it, but I thought this would get the Heavens to help the struggling Cubs, also I might as well finish the education I started.

The Chicago Cubs are on their way to get eliminated, and it’s all because of their batting. Their defense is what kept this team alive, thus far. But now without their batting abilities, we could see the cubs out in the next two games. Their hottest hitters (Rizzo, Russell, Heyward, Fowler and Zobrist) have only hit 12 out of their last 109 appearances (Playoffs). If it weren’t for Montero hitting the late grand slam, off the bench in game one, we could be looking at a 0-3 deficit. The Cubs have the pitching, disregarding Arietta’s horrible outing to win this, but something has to come back alive; their bats. They will need to find some hope in their bats and turn them back on. You can’t expect to not hit well and beat the L.A. Dodgers. The Cubs need to get their five big hitters back on track, or they might as well pack up and go home.

We will have to see what the future brings but I think we could still see history being made, this season. It’s not a big deficit, but they have to get back on their game. This is where we will see if the Cubs are the real deal. They have the talent, they just need to find a way to put it together and go after it. Cleveland will be waiting for the winner, lets hope it’s Chicago.

Impromtdude @ Facebook.com/impromtdude

   A year ago, I posted a status telling everyone about my novel, and offering someone a free copy when it came out. Since then I have scraped two versions of the story and have started to plan for a new idea. This will still have the original plan, but a different plot and storyline. I couldn’t get into the previous story, which overall just caused me to stumble back and lose interest in the story. While I lost interest in the original story, I have been planning a great new novel.
    I have started to plan the new story, which is in the outline process, and I hope to get the outline done within the next 2 months. From that point it should take 4 months to get this novel wrote. It seems impossible to get a novel wrote in 4 months, but with the help of a novel writing planner, I should be able to get this done in that time frame.
     Even though I can write the book in 4 months, it will take multiple months to get it fully edited, to the point of what I would want my name on. Either way, I really can’t wait to get this done, so I can finally say that I’m an Author.
     I am also working on the “The good, the great, the best.” Which is a project bringing all my great work together, slowly preparing my portfolio. I have a lot of post to go through, and that’s what Is taking so long on that project.
     I have a lot on my plate, and I couldn’t be more excited about it. This is the life of a writer. We start multiple projects and must find a way to get them all done, in a timely fashion. But I am excited, nonetheless. It feels good to see things coming together. I wanted to let everyone know that I am still working hard on those projects, and that I am hoping to have them done very soon! Thanks for all the support.

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Impromtdude

Dear small bloggers,
There are over a million writers that are trying to make it in this world. You are among those who are either starting out, or who haven’t been found by the crowd. Either way, you find that this journey is harder for you than you thought it would have been. You thought that your writing ability was enough to make you famous. But when you are one among a million, that ability isn’t enough. Becoming a famous writer is as hard as being drafted into the NBA.
Don’t think I am telling you this to discourage you, I want to be sure that you know this ride wont be an easy one. This is the best yet longest road that someone will travel, and remember that roads have rocks and occasionally roadblocks. This means that sometimes you will need to take a detour or be ready for a flat. This roadblocks are rejection, writers block, lack of motivation, or Stats.
Rejection is a part of writing. You will never find a famous writer that has never been rejected. There isn’t a writer out in the world that has it all figured out. The honest truth is this, not everyone will like what you have to say. Your opinion might not be what they want to hear, or your style of telling the truth, isn’t the way they want it. Rejection is a part of the career, so if you aren’t ready for rejection, don’t follow any dreams for right now.
Writers block was one of the biggest roadblocks for me. This was covered in one of my last post, which you should check out, but writers block nearly killed my career. This is the condition of not being able to think of what to writer or being able to complete a thought. I spent almost a year suffering from writers block, and it was miserable. I tried to do everything in my power to get out of the blockage, but nothing was working. I finally forced myself to continue to write, and one day the dam broke. This is when I felt the most alive.
Sometimes I feel unmotivated when I need to write. I have a job and a wife, so sometimes I don’t have the available time to sit down and write for hours. Then when I have the hours to write, I cant find the will to sit down and use that time for this blog. It isn’t that I don’t care, but more the fact that I work hard enough through the week, sometimes I want to take the time and catch up on; gaming, sleep, catching up with friends, and getting house cleaning done. I have found a pretty good flow with how I do things now, but there was a time in my life, where I would believe that every free second needed to be spent on this blog. When you are stressed though, it becomes hard to write when you have a thousand other things to do. You will have to find the balance to keep the motivation though.
Finally, Stats are nothing but numbers. You are a writer because you love to write, becoming famous means you get to do it for money. Remember this, You are a writer because you love to write! I can’t tell you how many people I know, that quit doing what they loved because they didn’t get the results fast. Rappers or musicians, writers, artist, and body builders will never explode in one month. You have to remember why you love to do what you do, if you don’t then you will quit! NF says this in his song titled “All I have;” “But that’s not the case because most of the times the artist you hear, you keep thinking the artist is new, but that artist has probably been at it for years.” If you are looking to explode overnight, then you will be sadly mistaken and will probably give up. You will have to prove yourself to get your shot. If that is being a independent writer or with a company, know this, you will have to spend a year to years working hard to get your shot. But don’t give up, numbers are numbers, sometimes the numbers suck but that is when you will need to remember why you are writing. You are a writer because you love to write, not because you want to be famous!
We are all in different parts of our careers, I have been a blogger for five-six years. The ride has been crazy, and sometimes I did quit but then I felt depressed because I wasn’t suppose to quit. I am a writer because I love to write, so quitting wasn’t an option, that is when I made my return. Somedays are still rough, it is hard to see single digit views, but that is when I work harder to get more views. That is what you have to do, take the failure and use it for your advantage, instead of letting it discourage you. Writing is something everyone wants to do, but it takes the strongest to survive in this crazy occupation, so never give up!

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Impromtdude @ Facebook.com/impromtdude