Posts Tagged ‘decision’

I am feeling this new change. I would like to tell you guys of the change, but I think will leave that for another blog. Today, I will tell you guys about what is happening. I want to tell you guys the effects of my decision, mainly to show you that it isn’t that bad. I haven’t found any bad from my choice, but I have found a lot has been changing. The fact that I am more confident, not only in writing but also during my work. I am happier, I feel a new happiness arising.

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     During the last week, I found that I am smiling more, even when I am mad. But the best thing is that my blog is rising. The stats are finally where I want them to be. I wanted to push myself to the next level, but I didn’t know where that was, so I called out to get some help, that is when I found this man. He was a very cool guy, he was wearing a trench coat, as he sat on the bench next to my work. He smiled, like an old friend, when he saw me. He got up from the bench, came over to me and gave me an index card. I was unsure about the card, but the logo caught my eye. His logo resembled the top of the pyramid of the dollar bill, but I couldn’t think of it at the moment, so I nervously put the card in my back pocket and walked away. As I walked away I heard the man proclaim that he had the answer to my fears, and to call him when I got my mind together. I threw up my arm and walked away.
I wanted to throw away the post card, I really did, but something was calling me to it. I didn’t know what the man meant or what sick game he was playing, but he seemed to know what I was going through. This what the moment that I had to make the decision; Would I carry my own, chasing a dream that seemed impossible or would I call him for help. After hours of sleeping on it, I decided to give him a call. He told me the keys of receiving the ultimate attention to my blog. I was amazed by his knowledge, but he said that he needed me to give him something in return. I figured this was a way to get money, so I simply chuckled. He didn’t find it as funny as me and told me that it was serious. I asked him to tell me what he needed. I wasn’t ready to hear what he said, but I knew that I was too far now to step back, so I agreed.
After I made my choice, he told me that I had to write it in stone, revealing my decision to the whole world. Knowing that my dad was going to have a heart attack, I chose to post it on the day that I closed, at my store, in order to be away from my phone when he read it. I wrote the letter, and signed it with the blood of my body. I then said the magic words, and boom I was in the club. I was now a part of something bigger than my understanding. During all of this, I was too busy seeking the instant fame, that I forgot what I just gave away and what it could do to me if I allowed it to get out of control. I started to regret my decision, fearing what I was doing, until the stats started to pour in. My blog views are higher than last week, my likes are piling in, and people are interacting with me. I even feel happier. My job has been easier, also. Costumers are drawn to me and are allowing me to keep my cool by not being stupid. I am enjoying this whole change, I couldn’t imagine being happier, and it could only get better from here on out. I am glad that I met that guy, if it weren’t for him, I wouldn’t have the passion to write you guys, anymore. I love you guys, I beg you to not hate me for doing this. Please realize, I am just trying to live my dream.

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   It was time for me to stop fearing, because it wasn’t something to fear about, this was going to shake my life for the good, nothing bad was going to come from this. I felt something pull on my heart telling me everything was going to be fine. Even though at first, I didn’t believe that, as I stood in the middle of the empty highway, I began to feel safe again.

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   I am sleepy, but I know I need to get up from the mattress, get dressed, and head down to my ride. They will be leaving in 15-minutes, and today is one day that I can’t miss. My dad has yelled at me three times, to get up, but something doesn’t want me to go.
   My head is heavy, even though I went to bed early the night before. I think it might be a nervous feeling, I mean today is the day that my life changes. I have been waiting for this day, my whole life, well since I gave up on pleasing myself, to please someone else. It has been two weeks since that night at the loft, and I still feel the energy that I did that night. The night that changed, how I felt about religious beliefs and church. Today is the day that I go down a sinner and come up saved by grace. I got out of the sheets that tangled my legs and went to the bathroom. My hair was a mess, my eyes were puffy, and my armpits were on fire. I didn’t have the time to mess with that though, I should have woke up and took a shower, but that wasn’t the plan, the plan was that everything would have worked itself out, but it didn’t. I quickly wet my hair, brushed my teeth, and threw on a nice shirt, that was acceptable for church. I walked into my room and grabbed the bag, full of more clothes, for after the service.
   I walked out of the house with a little less than 5-minutes before departure, all to remember that I forgot deodorant. I sniffed my armpits, that were still ripe from late night basketball, and almost died. This is one thing that I needed to take care of, so I told my dad to go down and tell them I will be there, and not to leave. He told me to hurry up, which I did. I ran inside grabbed, what I could find, and left. I made great timing, everyone was boarding the two cars when I arrived. When I got there, the teens greeted me, like I was finally one of them, something I never felt like before. I got in the truck, after throwing my bag in the bed, and put my headphones in.
The whole ride there, I was thinking about the decision I was making today. This means that I could no longer do what everyone else does, I replayed in my head as I looked out of the window. I knew that It was the right decision, but the more I thought about it, the less I wanted to do it. I didn’t want to be different from everyone else, but at the same time, I still wasn’t. I was never one of the guys, or a popular guy, so what did I have to lose? I was about to gain a new level of happiness that was promised to me. I knew it was worth the looks I would get, to live for something with purpose for once, to do something for me for once. I thought I believed that, but the closer we got, the more I wanted to jump out of the car. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to take the step, it was the questions on what would I do after? Do I go back to the old Blake, what was the new Blake even-like?
    I feared that I was jumping the gun, and I was about to fall flat on my face! But even if I wanted to back out, it was too late to. I was already at the church, well before time, which is great, now I have even more time to fear the worse. Everyone got out of the truck, and went into the building, except for me. I decided to stay outside for a while, and talk to God.
The morning due was still on the grass. The wet grass caused my shoes to get wet, and then my socks got soaked. Of course, I figured this was a sign from God, telling me not to go through with the plan. I was okay with not going through with the plan, but when I was about to pull the plug, something inside stopped me. It was time for me to stop fearing, because it wasn’t something to fear about, this was going to shake my life for the good, nothing bad was going to come from this. I felt something pull on my heart telling me everything was going to be fine. Even though at first, I didn’t believe that, as I stood in the middle of the empty highway, I began to feel safe again.
    I started to get the feeling that I had the first night, the night that I said “yes” to follow something bigger than me. So as I stood in the middle of that empty highway, with damp socks and a freeing body, I chose to stop worrying about what would be said at school. The people would either expect it, or they wouldn’t. Their opinions never meant much to me anyways. This choice is my choice, and I chose to do it, and that was final. I sat back down on the church steps, and prayed, one-last-time before the service began.
   The wind began to pick up, sending a unsettle chill through  my feet. I finished the prayer, and walked inside to find a pew in the middle of the sanctuary. I usually would sit with the rest of the teens, but today I wanted to focus on getting ready for the service, so I forced myself to sit away from them.
   The pastor finished his sermon, which rocked my mindset. I can’t remember what it was about, I just remember that I was bawling my eyes out, knowing that I needed the message. I got up from the pew, and got some prayer. But that wasn’t the end of that service, oh no, the best was about to happen. I got up off my knees, and went back to the front row pew, to hear the pastor introduce six young people to the stage, myself included.
    I wiped my tears from my eye socket, and walked to the front. I stared out into the crowd, their faces were shining as bright as the sun. The were happy with our commitment that we were about to make, some were even crying. I was guessing the ones that were crying, were family members of the other five, up here. I simply gave a half-grin and turned towards the pastor as he spoke; “We are gathered in unity to bless these young men, as they chose to give their old-self up to follow, our Lord. We now get to witness them being reborn, in the ceremony of baptisms. We are overjoyed that we get to share with you guys.”
   We were then instructed to go get dressed in the clothes we brought, which included my black shirt with gym shorts. I was last in line, I got to witness 5 go before me, and come up a new man. There was one man that raised through the water, like a cannon, he shot through the water, screaming “Hallelujah.” I began to get nervous, thinking about what I should say. I quickly rejected that thought, and gave it up to God.
   It was my turn. I walked up to the giant tub of water, looked into it. I had one last time to turn around, and walk away. But I said no, and got into the water. The pastor had me repeat the words that he said, which I did. Then he pushed my head back into the water. The water was warm, but that wasn’t what I felt. When I was submerged into the water, my heart dropped. The water was electric, it sent shocks through my body, ones that I only felt during the youth rally. I knew at this moment, there was something in the water, with me, it was God. The submerging only lasted a few seconds, but it felt like years to me. I went down, felt the shock, also I felt the chains of my past break, my abuse story was light on my mind, my past sins and lies seemed to be erased.
   I felt that I was sent through a master reset, like one of a computer. My hard drive was cleared, and new software was installed, software that led me to believe, it was time to change the world. I didn’t realize that the pastor brought me up out of the water, I stood there for a second, before my arms shot up in the air. I felt overjoyed, almost to where I leaped out of the water, but I contained myself enough to scream “Amen.” I don’t remember shouting though, someone told me months later, while I was talking to them about it. I was happy to hear that, since I didn’t want to think I copied anyone. That moment in the water, changed my life, forever.
   Even if I don’t follow the rules as close as I should, that day has always been an outline for me. I feel that day wasn’t about religion. Yes, of course, it was a church event, and I did it for God, but that day not only freed me for God, but it also gave me the power to free myself. If that day wouldn’t of happened, I would still be fighting the pain of my past, and probably would have lost, by now.  I thank God, that I didn’t lose my cool, and left that day. If I would have, I don’t know where I would be today!

Impromtdude @ Facebook.com/impromtdude