Posts Tagged ‘dad’

In the last ten years, I have held a lot of resentment and anger towards one person. She is no longer in my life, but somehow I still allow her to cause me pain and also allow her to ruin good days. I tried to take back the control by hiding behind humor, but I found out in order to get back that control, I must first forgive her, that is the only way to move on with my life and get away from the past, also the only way to be truly forgiven by God.

This time of the year has always been a little difficult for me, as this was the month that my mother walked away from her kids. She did this in 2004. She gave us our Christmas presents, at the courthouse, and then simply walked away. I haven’t physically seen my mom since, though I have talked to her on the internet, about a year ago. I don’t want to discredit her as a mom, but she has also never been a good parent. She left my sister and me in foster care and went on with her life. She says she tried to fight for us, but I question how hard she fought. Since that day, I have always blamed her for the pain that I feel inside. I try to keep off this subject as some might see it as me trying to get attention, and when I bottle it inside, I feel so much worse. Children are meant to have both parent parts, a job that my dad did amazing at fulfilling, but it still isn’t the same without having that figure in your life. But today marks the end of this. Being upset and hurt won’t do anything; she isn’t coming back, so I must move on. I must forgive her and stop tearing her down any chance I get.

The bible tells us that we must forgive to be forgiven. I really don’t want to be the reason that God isn’t blessing me, all because I can’t forgive a woman. She made a huge mistake, but I can’t judge her. Just like I can’t go into a courtroom and tell the judge how to handle a case. I simply can only forgive her for the wrong she has done and pray that she has gotten the help that she needs. With the strength from God, I want to forgive her publicly, through this blog.

“Dear, mom

Thank you for raising the strongest man that you could have. I am doing great, now. I have a lot going for me, including a job that pays decent, a wife that loves me unconditionally, and faith that could move mountains. I am strong in my faith, so I must now forgive you for the pain that you inflicted on my life. I know that you don’t want to admit that you messed up, as blaming father is much easier to do, but know that I no longer hold that over your head. We all make mistakes, some are worse than others, but they are all mistakes. I have made my fair share of mistakes, so I can’t judge you for yours. I just hope that you are getting the help that you need. I find my security in Jesus. Being in Church helped you care more, so I pray that you find your way back into the chapel. Mom, I sincerely love you. I pray nothing but the best in your life and I hope that you are building a life for yourself. You started life young, being pregnant in high school must have been scary, but you somehow found ground to build on, something most couldn’t do. You met dad, made a family with him. Without you and dad, I wouldn’t be here, so I thank you for that. I thank you for showing me the basic skills for life, as much as you did in the few years we had together, without those teachings, I don’t know how strong I would be. Dad is doing a great job, and has for years; he gave me wisdom and a heart of gold. You need to forgive him and move on, as I must do the same. I want to be a youth pastor, but I don’t want God to stop my blessing because of the anger I have towards you, so I simply must forgive you. God said “If you don’t forgive others for their sins, your heavenly father won’t forgive you.” Mom, I want to see you in heaven, so please get right with God. I have found a way to last without you in this life, but I would be crushed if I got to heaven and didn’t see you there. A lot has happened, but I still love you. I always will. Just do as Romans 10:9-10 says and get right with God. If you need anything, message me, I can walk you through it. Know that I can’t hold on to the pain, anymore. But forever, I will be praying for you!! I love you, and I forgive you.

Blake!”

person holding fountain pen

Photo by John-Mark Smith on Pexels.com

Advertisements

Before we start tonight, I want to spend a few minutes and say thank you. John, thank you for caring about me. You texted me last night and told me how awesome I was. Thank you for sharing about your day, sorry that your day wasn’t that great. You deserve the best. You deserve to be happy and have amazing days. I am glad to hear that you wait for my posts, you have helped me decide that I want to continue writing. Thank you! You rock, I love you!

image

She is gone.
When my mother left, it hurt me more than I knew. She walked out the door and walked out into the night air. She was gone and I was without a mother. I was without someone that I trusted my life with, she was gone. She didn’t care that I was hurting, she had things to do and I wasn’t a part of her plans. It took many years for me to find a way to cope with her absence, but this type of coping may have led me through more walls than doors. The way that I have coped with her being gone is being a comical jerk, someone that has to make jokes to hide that he is actually hurt.
In high school, I use to make fun of my mother, and I would laugh along with all of my friends. They didn’t know that I was actually broken, but I never wanted them to know that. It was a sign of weakness to show that I was vulnerable, so I put up all of these walls to make sure no one saw that I was hurt. I hid behind my humor and everyone fell for it. This was great! I was able to convince myself that I was okay with not having my mother. This was great until it began to be a bigger part of me. I began to joke about everything, until nothing was serious to me. This did change when I started to go to church. Church was the only time that I would actually let my emotions flow. Talking to God was the best feeling. Even if he didn’t say anything to me, I knew (in my heart) that he was listening to me. I was able to finally cry without being afraid of someone laughing at me.
I use to cry a lot at church. I would lay on my face and just bawl. Sometimes, I didn’t even know why I was crying, but it felt so good, so I never questioned it. There was a service about mothers, and I remember sinking into my seat and bawling. I cried the whole sermon and more. I was called to the front to talk to the pastors after the sermon and they hugged me. I don’t know why, but it actually felt like my mother was hugging me. Great, things are good now, right? I was able to get back to feeling, I was able to cry again, I was no longer scared to let my emotions out, correct? Yeah, NO! It lasted for a while, but nothing stayed that good for long.
I did say that it lasted for a while, right? I was able to let my emotions out for a good amount of time, but then something happened. I was no longer able to feel. My emotions were shut off and I couldn’t feel inside my heart. I was becoming cold and angry, again. Church just wasn’t the same, anymore. I was drifting away from God and I didn’t know what I was doing wrong. I thought going to church more would help. The more that I went, though, the more that I felt the pain grow. Even if the sermon was the most touching, I was unable to go to that place, the place where my emotions could be freed. I needed serious help, my walls were being built again, the same walls my mother forced me to build years before. This is when I began to push people away.
I was able to find my emotions, again. They were found in a girl. This girl was standing twenty feet from me, my heart felt alive again. The next couple months were the best in my life. She taught me what it felt like to care. She taught me why it’s okay to let my emotions out. I was told that emotions were never meant to stay within, because they are meant to be carried by two, not by one. This shook me as I opened up, something that I should have never done. She broke my heart a month later. She allowed her sister to dictate who she was allowed to talk to. Again, the wall went up. This time, it stayed.
I moved away the next summer. I was chasing something, a feeling that I once felt. There was a Church that I thought would help me, but it came to pass. When I got there, it wasn’t the same. This is when I realized that my walk with Christ was no longer the same. I tried to get back to the way that I use to feel, but nothing would work. I only stayed a semester, then moved back home.
Nothing was the same when I got back, though. People moved on and plans changed. It was like I was in a whole new place, with people that I didn’t know. I guess I was hurt that no one seemed to care that I was back. They were okay without me. I told myself that it was a lie, but I never could seem to convince myself. This is when I met my wife, Ariel. She gave me happiness, but something was still missing. The piece that will always be missing. When my mother left, she took something from me that I didn’t know. She took my emotions. I haven’t felt truly sad about something in over 5 years. I stopped caring when I got back from college, when I saw that everyone moved on, When I realized that everyone moved on like my mother. I try to find a way to break down this wall, but the tools are not strong enough. They are broke under the pressure of all my DAMN baggage, I feel like I will never be okay. I miss her! I wish that I could have a heart to heart conversation with my mother. I want to ask her what she was thinking, why she left us, why couldn’t she just be a GODDAMN GOOD PARENT!! But I will never know. She will always have an excuse, I just wish I meant more to her, meant enough for her to drop her act and tell me why she left me. She left too soon.

Dear Mom,
I sit here, waiting for you to walk in those doors. I waited for you to come back for years, but you never came back. You had better things to do, but we weren’t it, were we? Why did you leave me, why did you leave me with these questions? I deserve these answers, dammit! I have giving you the power for so many years, hoping that you would just tell me why I wasn’t good enough!!!!! I want the power back, but you forced these walls up and I cant break them down. I want to take the wall down, but I cant without knowing how you could leave me as a child. How could you leave me at Ten and never even check up on me. I spent years trying to find you, but when I found you, you were full of excuses. You hurt me more than anything. But my biggest question is; why is it that you hurt me so much, but I still want you to hug me and tell me that you love me. Mom, I wish you were better. I wish you weren’t gone. 
Sincerely yours,
A BROKEN CHILD.

.

Impromtdude @ Facebook.com/impromtdude

Well what can I say? My father helped me do something that I never wanted to do. I am glad that he did because it came out perfect! My father and I like to get in petty fights, but it usually ends with a good life lesson. This being said, my father taught me something that ended up teaching me one of the best lessons ever; how to wrap presents!!!

Tis was but last Christmas that my father taught me something new. We sat around the living room with gifts to wrap, but I wasn’t going to attempt to wrap, because my hands have no rhythm. The presents sat naked and cold on the floor. They yelled for us to dress them, but we were failing them. This is when my father told me to do something, but I told him to do it, instead. He got up off the couch and began to wrap the presents, then he turned to me and told me that they were my presents, so I was to get up and help him. I got up after groaning and started to help him. Half a second later he got onto me about how I wrapped a present.

In his defense the present looked horrible, but I didn’t know how. What was I suppose to do? I didn’t how to wrap. That is when my father took me by his wing and showed me how my grandma wraps her gifts. At first, I wasn’t wanting to listen. He was a know-it-all. But I knew that I couldn’t get out of this without learning. I couldn’t get the wrapping down so I quit! My father got petty about it, but he finished the wrapping!!!

That was the end of that experience. I never thought I was going to use that knowledge, but this year it came into good use. For the first time, I actually shopped for my wife alone, but that also meant that I had to wrap them alone. I had no idea what I was doing, but then I stopped and thought. I went back to that day and thought about how my dad folded the edges and brought them up together. As I thought about that day, I looked down and I  was done with one present. The rest of the presents came with ease. I was done within a hour!!

I don’t know what this was written to say, but I think I want to tell you guys to cherish the little moments. Don’t waste small moments being mad, you never know when those moments will come back and help you out. Wrapping a present isn’t a huge moment, but it opened my eyes to see that I can learn so much from my father. Christmas is about spending time with those you love, which I can guarantee you will have a small moment that can change your life; don’t waste it!

image

Impromtdude @ Facebook.com/impromtdude

Lets be serious

I want to take a minute and be serious. I know that I have been doing a lot of goofy crap with Bart, but tonight I want to slow everything down and talk about someone I miss a lot. This person has been gone for over two months and I can’t take it anymore. I really miss him and don’t know if my weeks will ever be the same.

It happened on a Sunday night. He was walking his wife to their friends house, when this big bully forced them to their knees. This bully went on to torture their minds by playing a few mind games. I heard he tried to fight this bully off, but the bully had more bully friends that held him down. He told my friend to stay down or he will just hurt both of them. I wish I could have helped, but that wasn’t the case. Nothing I could have done would have helped. This bully had a problem, he already was convinced that he had to do this.

The picture was painted in my head that this guy pulled out his weapon and pointed it at both of them. The bully was still trying to make his mind up, so he kept putting his weapon in each of their faces, taunting that he only needed one, then the other could go. My friend was brave, but this brought him to tears, hell everyone had to be in tears! His tears didn’t stoop the bully, though. The bully lifted his weapon and dropped it quickly, letting out a long, dark laugh! “I’m joking….” He laughed, but suddenly lifted his bat again “NOT!” as he slammed his bat onto his head, popping his eye out of his skull.

My friend died that night after the bully kept hitting him, after the initial blow! His wife told me that she couldn’t even recognize who he was!! She is heart broken, as she was pregnant with his child. She is being strong, but I know she really misses him. Through this, I don’t know how she kept the child safe, but I am glad that she did.

I usually don’t make these types of post, but I really miss this man. He was my favorite character and the show isn’t the same without him. I just got done watching The Walking Dead and I must say, Glenn was the glue that kept me interested in the show, without him the show isn’t the same….I miss him! Will you pray for Glenn and his wife, Maggie? We need all the prayers we can get….R.I.P Glenn!!!

image

Impromtdude @ Facebook.com/impromtdude

What ever happened to my music career?

image

At one time, I was a writer and a musician. I would call myself “Living example Band” but for some reason, I quit. Today I will be telling you what led up to me giving up on music, and focusing solely on writing.

I  got my first guitar when I was a sophomore in high school. It was a Peavey Raptor, and my dad got it off craigslist, after I showed him the post. He wasn’t hesitant to get it, since it would mean that I would stop pounding loudly at the drums, something I was never good at. On top of getting the guitar, my father also got me, my class ring. But I was more excited about getting the guitar, that I planned lessons with my friend, instantly. He was a little old, so he tried to teach me blues, when I wanted to know the basics, only. I eventually learned the basics, and quit the lessons. I then went on to teach myself more and more. With being a writer, I thought that making a song would be a cool thing to do, so I wrote a worship song. The song talked about temptation and how I needed to stay on my knees, instead of trying to get through it by myself. I fell in love with writing music, so I continued to write music; while also writing short-stories and blog post.

About five months after beginning to play guitar, I recorded my first E.P. this was after I performed for the first time at a church’s open-mic night. I performed “How he loves” by David Crowder. I didn’t do as well as I thought I could of done, so I used my E.P. to show people how I wanted it to go. The E.P. also had a jingle bell remake called “Church bells.” I sent the E.P. to my pastor, and all of my friends. They all had mixed views, but for my first recording they were happy with the quality. That is when I set out to record more.

I started to record my first album, Let your light shine. This would contain 10 songs that were all God based. I wanted to reach the world through my music, and my goal was to record the album and give it out at youth rallies. But when I finished the C.D. I got nervous and decided to keep it a “Hush, hush” project, I only gave it to a few people.

I continued to write and sing , even after that album though. But with having a sucky singing voice, I knew I couldn’t go far, so I slowed down on my music. I would write a song, play the guitar to it, record it, but then would leave it on my computer. There were times where I would delete songs, since I didn’t want anyone to hear it. But then an awesome opportunity came along, my senior project.

Three long years since I started to play music was when the Senior project came up. I knew right of the bat that I wanted to record one-last-album, this one would be my best one ever. I set out six months before the senior project to write the 13 songs that would be on the last album. But this time, I had new outlets, which was a new recording style and studio, which made the songs higher quality, giving me all the tools to make it great!

I recorded the first song, Let go, which happened to be my graduation song. I was playing around one night, and threw some drums in with it. I must have been having a long night, because I thought it actually went with the song. When I got over the hangover, I realized, the song sucked with the drums. This was sadly after I submitted it to my video editing class, for a music video. I held my head up high, as everyone coughed. The song without drums was full of meaning, but when drums were added, it ruined the song and meaning. I almost scrapped the whole project for that one reason, but decided against that. Instead, I decided to drop the drums and work even harder on the rest of the songs. I remember working in math class, during lunch, and pulling all nighters to get this project done, and finally I did.

The album was done and I got an A! The teachers loved the project, saying that it was perfect for me! I gladly said “thanks” and walked out of the room.

Now fast forward to the future, after someone stealing my laptop, you will find Blake back at it. I was writing my new worship album, Road to Damascus. But I found that it wasn’t going to work, since I didn’t have a computer to record with. I played the few songs in front of the church, and they loved them. But one day, the notebook got wet, ruining the lyrics. All my hard work and time was wasted. I couldn’t restart, I wouldn’t be able to recreate those amazing lyrics. That is the last day that I wrote a song, I hung up my guitar and called it quits.

I have attempted to write new songs, but my heart isn’t in it anymore. I just don’t have the heart to keep singing. Maybe one day, I will record my final album, Letters to the Chapel. But as of right now, my music career is over.  

For one time only; Go check out my old Music!!!!!

Impromtdude @ Facebook.com/impromtdude

image

Have you ever been a part of a divorce? That doesn’t mean that you have had one. This is for those who were children when their parents split, mothers of daughters that got divorced, or even fathers of sons. If you were around someone that got divorced, or you got a divorce, this is for you.
My father and mother got a divorce when I was only seven-years-old. At seven, I had no idea what was going on. I figured that we were just moving to another place, and my father would be meeting up soon enough. That was never the case, though. My sister and me were forced , by my mother, to go to the court hearings. She told us that it was needed for the judge to make the decision. I was lost on what decision the judge had to make, and why I had to tell the judge “mommy not dad.” I didn’t understand then what I know now.
I didn’t know that those simple words were forcing my dad out of my life. I had no idea the weight that the choice had. I felt bad inside for saying “mommy over dad”, which is why I never did. Every time she told me to say it, I would “zip my mouth.” Her anger would spike every time I refused. It seemed that my mother needed me to say those words. Every time that I would refuse, she would tell me something my dad did to her, which later I learned were lies, but at the time I would believe it. I began to hate my dad. This is what she wanted and needed. She needed me to get to the point that I hated hearing “dad” so that I would say “I don’t love dad” or something to show the judge that I wanted to stay with my mom.
I never did say those words, though. No matter what she told me, or what scar she showed me. I never told her that I hated my dad. The most that ever would happen, was I use to hide in a closet when my dad came to pick me up, for his weekend. I hid in the closet out of fear. My mother told me that he was dangerous, and shouldn’t be trust. I believed her, so I would hide as she told him that I was at a friends. She couldn’t get me to say that I hated him, so to have me fear him was her next option. This was right before she kidnapped us.
She didn’t tell anyone where we were going. We disappeared into thin air, and never came back. We ended up in a town an hour and a half from my home town. My dad was lost to where we went, he continued to search, though. As he searched, we were now living a brand new life. She would never mention our dad, unless we brought him up, which she would just bash him. I remember at one time she told us that he was dead, and that was the reason for the move. My heart broke when I heard that he died, because I still loved him. I never formed any hate towards him, how could I? He would always be my dad. I accepted the fact that he was dead, though.
Then one night, he showed back up to our house. I have no idea how he found us, but he did. He stood next to his black car, waiting for my to come out. I saw that it was my dad, and raced for the door. She gave me a quick yank, and threw me to the ground. She then told my sister and me to go to our room. I screamed. I wanted to see my dad, but as I let out the scream, her hand connected to my mouth. At that moment, my sister carried me to the bedroom. I heard shouting outside, as tears flowed from my eyes, I began to pray that one day my dad could get custody of us. He did in the summer of 2005, and that is when the story ended. My mother was  no longer around, she couldn’t face the fact that she relinquished us to foster care, and left. My dad found us again and got us out, though.
It took many years to not fear my dad, which was never a violent man. She brainwashed us so deeply that it took years to get over the false memories, ones that she put in our heads.
     I wanted to write this to show those going through a divorce, what pain can be caused when you tell your family lies. In this certain circumstance, my mom lied about who my dad was. I was deprived from knowing my dad for majority of my life. But the scariest thing is, if I would have listened to her lies in the beginning, I would have been forced to never see my dad. She would have won full custody, then would have gotten a restraining order on him. He would never be able to see us.
     If you are going through a divorce, you don’t have to have everyone hate the other person. You don’t need to tell them stories, especially never brainwash them to hate them all because of what happened in the past. That will cause unneeded pain, that could also cause children to miss out on their parents. 

Impromtdude @ Facebook.com/impromtdude

Who do I want to write about.
        The other day I was sitting at work, talking to another crew about “Heroes.” She had asked me who my hero was in life, and I was stunned. I never thought about who I looked up to. I never even thought about having a hero. I was always so independent in life, most of the times I pushed everyone away.
         I never wanted to look up to someone, then get close to them and have them leave. It was a fear that I could control. So I made it a mission to keep everyone out of my life. But now with my crew member asking me the question, I had to search inside of myself and ask the hard question. “Who is my Hero?”
       “Who do I look up to?” I look up to my father. I look up to him for everything. I search his personality for answers to questions about life. If me and my wife get into a fight, he is the one that I look to for answers on questions I’m unsure about. Or if my car breaks down, he is the one that I call for the fix. He is truly the smartest person that I know. He seems to know everything that needs to be known.
        My father hasn’t always had the chance to be a part of my life, but he has always been an outline. When my mother took us out of his care, he seemed to always be around, expecially when we were in trouble. He wouldn’t break any laws though, so when my mother got that restraining order, and moved us out of town, he respected the laws that were in place. He worked with a woman that never wanted to work with him. Then when it came down to getting us back, after we were put in the foster care, he did. He flipped every mattress trying to find us.
       Someone that can be on the bottom of the chain, yet will help those who are willing to turn on you. That is my Dads character, and that is what I see as a hero. He has shown me over and over that if someone is in need, help. But what if you are broke? No, you help anyway you can. He showed me how to love my neighbor as myself. It was always like that in my house, you had to respect everyone (to a point) that you came in contact with.
        I have become a strong man with all of his life lessons. I am willing to go to war for anyone that needs help. I am always that man that is looking for doors to hold open, or cars to push out of the snow. This is all because of one guy. The same guy that made me crucify my pride, and help those that don’t deserve the help. My father has been the savior my whole life. He is my hero, and one day, I hope I’m my sons hero, as well. It has been such an honor learning from my father, and there is still much to be taught!

image

Impromtdude @ Facebook.com/impromtdude

image

         My dad came down this last weekend, which put my wife into the mood for the holidays. This always includes putting up the dang Christmas tree. Last year, it took almost three hours to decorate the tree. I couldn’t get the lights to stay on the tree, I even watched videos on YouTube. I found out that I was putting the lights on wrong. I figured that I wasn’t suppose to tie the lights to the inner part of the tree, which is what I was doing. I wondered why the lights didn’t look like those on lifetime, Now I know.

        This year, my dad was excited to put up the tree with us. We decorated the whole living room with lights and  bulbs. Of course I had to gripe about my dad not fluffing the tree enough! It felt nice to decorate the house this year. With the house decorated, I can say that it feels like Christmas at the Jenkins house now. And my favorite part is that my dad put the lights on the tree this year, which means YouTube wasn’t needed. Sorry to those guys that specialize in those kind of videos.
The tree looks like this:

image

Impromtdude @ Facebook.com/impromtdude

He has been there for me through the thick and the thin. He has done everything in his power to keep me safe, even when it put him in danger. He has spent hours budgeting the bills hoping at the end, he would be able to buy me anything that I needed or simply wanted. He has beat my ass and taught me the rights and wrongs in this world. He has taught me that one cannot take their life granted. He has impressed me with his dedication and with the amount of love in his heart. Even though he is injured, he still kills himself to please others around him. He is awesome.
This guy that I mentioned above was the same guy that helped me when I got married to my wife. We under budgeted and spent some of our free money in other places, this put us behind about $400 going into the last 6 weeks. With both of our next checks being taken away by rent and with other bills that were already late, I simply called him to vent to him, because he is a great listener, well he did something that I didn’t expect. He showed up at our house with a load of cash that he had gotten out of the bank to give it to us. The amazing part is that as he told us that this was just part of our wedding gift. We were able to pay the rest of our wedding off, and was able to pay for part of our honeymoon.
Then came the time where my thermostat went out in my car. I was on the road at 11p.m. and all of a sudden my car started to overheat to the point that my engine was knocking. My heart dropped, all I had was $30 in my name, and that was going to gas for the next two weeks. I called this man and he was at my house within a day to fix the thermostat. Let me remind you that it was the time in Illinois where we were having -11 degree weather. He stood out in the cold for almost two hours fixing the car.
Also, there was a time where my wife and I were having a big trouble in our relationship. We were planning a wedding and were fighting alot. I was stressed to the max, and I wanted to give up and leave, but when I called him, he simply laughed and told me to get back in that house and take my wife out to a nice dinner. He wasn’t going to accept that I was going to leave, but would do anything in his power to keep someone as myself happy, as he would for anyone else.
He has always been here for me, even when his house burnt down. He will do anything for anyone without the mindset that you owe him. Actually we were talking last night about my cousins wedding and I asked if he was going to marry them, he said yes. I chuckled and asked him how much he was getting. He then told me that it wasn’t about the money, but that God would want him to help someone in need. He is so caring, he doesn’t want people to feel stressed to help him, but he will stress himself to help someone in need. That is who he always has been, and to think that at one time in my life, I took him for granted. He is only my father, I thought. But now I end the night thanking God that I was able to be a part of his life, and better yet his only son. He is my biggest fan and I love him. Even if I don’t say it in person. Dad I really look up to you and I love you!