Posts Tagged ‘Child’

Before we start tonight, I want to spend a few minutes and say thank you. John, thank you for caring about me. You texted me last night and told me how awesome I was. Thank you for sharing about your day, sorry that your day wasn’t that great. You deserve the best. You deserve to be happy and have amazing days. I am glad to hear that you wait for my posts, you have helped me decide that I want to continue writing. Thank you! You rock, I love you!

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She is gone.
When my mother left, it hurt me more than I knew. She walked out the door and walked out into the night air. She was gone and I was without a mother. I was without someone that I trusted my life with, she was gone. She didn’t care that I was hurting, she had things to do and I wasn’t a part of her plans. It took many years for me to find a way to cope with her absence, but this type of coping may have led me through more walls than doors. The way that I have coped with her being gone is being a comical jerk, someone that has to make jokes to hide that he is actually hurt.
In high school, I use to make fun of my mother, and I would laugh along with all of my friends. They didn’t know that I was actually broken, but I never wanted them to know that. It was a sign of weakness to show that I was vulnerable, so I put up all of these walls to make sure no one saw that I was hurt. I hid behind my humor and everyone fell for it. This was great! I was able to convince myself that I was okay with not having my mother. This was great until it began to be a bigger part of me. I began to joke about everything, until nothing was serious to me. This did change when I started to go to church. Church was the only time that I would actually let my emotions flow. Talking to God was the best feeling. Even if he didn’t say anything to me, I knew (in my heart) that he was listening to me. I was able to finally cry without being afraid of someone laughing at me.
I use to cry a lot at church. I would lay on my face and just bawl. Sometimes, I didn’t even know why I was crying, but it felt so good, so I never questioned it. There was a service about mothers, and I remember sinking into my seat and bawling. I cried the whole sermon and more. I was called to the front to talk to the pastors after the sermon and they hugged me. I don’t know why, but it actually felt like my mother was hugging me. Great, things are good now, right? I was able to get back to feeling, I was able to cry again, I was no longer scared to let my emotions out, correct? Yeah, NO! It lasted for a while, but nothing stayed that good for long.
I did say that it lasted for a while, right? I was able to let my emotions out for a good amount of time, but then something happened. I was no longer able to feel. My emotions were shut off and I couldn’t feel inside my heart. I was becoming cold and angry, again. Church just wasn’t the same, anymore. I was drifting away from God and I didn’t know what I was doing wrong. I thought going to church more would help. The more that I went, though, the more that I felt the pain grow. Even if the sermon was the most touching, I was unable to go to that place, the place where my emotions could be freed. I needed serious help, my walls were being built again, the same walls my mother forced me to build years before. This is when I began to push people away.
I was able to find my emotions, again. They were found in a girl. This girl was standing twenty feet from me, my heart felt alive again. The next couple months were the best in my life. She taught me what it felt like to care. She taught me why it’s okay to let my emotions out. I was told that emotions were never meant to stay within, because they are meant to be carried by two, not by one. This shook me as I opened up, something that I should have never done. She broke my heart a month later. She allowed her sister to dictate who she was allowed to talk to. Again, the wall went up. This time, it stayed.
I moved away the next summer. I was chasing something, a feeling that I once felt. There was a Church that I thought would help me, but it came to pass. When I got there, it wasn’t the same. This is when I realized that my walk with Christ was no longer the same. I tried to get back to the way that I use to feel, but nothing would work. I only stayed a semester, then moved back home.
Nothing was the same when I got back, though. People moved on and plans changed. It was like I was in a whole new place, with people that I didn’t know. I guess I was hurt that no one seemed to care that I was back. They were okay without me. I told myself that it was a lie, but I never could seem to convince myself. This is when I met my wife, Ariel. She gave me happiness, but something was still missing. The piece that will always be missing. When my mother left, she took something from me that I didn’t know. She took my emotions. I haven’t felt truly sad about something in over 5 years. I stopped caring when I got back from college, when I saw that everyone moved on, When I realized that everyone moved on like my mother. I try to find a way to break down this wall, but the tools are not strong enough. They are broke under the pressure of all my DAMN baggage, I feel like I will never be okay. I miss her! I wish that I could have a heart to heart conversation with my mother. I want to ask her what she was thinking, why she left us, why couldn’t she just be a GODDAMN GOOD PARENT!! But I will never know. She will always have an excuse, I just wish I meant more to her, meant enough for her to drop her act and tell me why she left me. She left too soon.

Dear Mom,
I sit here, waiting for you to walk in those doors. I waited for you to come back for years, but you never came back. You had better things to do, but we weren’t it, were we? Why did you leave me, why did you leave me with these questions? I deserve these answers, dammit! I have giving you the power for so many years, hoping that you would just tell me why I wasn’t good enough!!!!! I want the power back, but you forced these walls up and I cant break them down. I want to take the wall down, but I cant without knowing how you could leave me as a child. How could you leave me at Ten and never even check up on me. I spent years trying to find you, but when I found you, you were full of excuses. You hurt me more than anything. But my biggest question is; why is it that you hurt me so much, but I still want you to hug me and tell me that you love me. Mom, I wish you were better. I wish you weren’t gone. 
Sincerely yours,
A BROKEN CHILD.

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Impromtdude @ Facebook.com/impromtdude

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I had this amazing post ready to be written. It was going to be huge, as Donald would say. But as I was about to write it, something kept me from doing so. I was unable to find my music player; my tablet. This is something that I can’t write without, because I find it hard to concentrate without music. I looked all over the house for it, I started with my desk, which is a dang mess. I destroyed my desk in hopes that I could find the tablet, but the more I turned things over, the more I noticed that it wasn’t under the piles of papers, games, and empty soda bottles.

This got me to thinking about where it could have went. As I was getting mad, I remembered watching Hells Kitchen while making the Thanksgiving Turkey, so I walked into the kitchen and started to flip things over, just wanting to find the tablet, so I could get this blog post written and get to bed, since I have to be up super early tomorrow. But I couldn’t find the Tablet in the kitchen, either. I was irritated at this point. After minutes of walking through the house, I finally gave in and woke my wife up. I didn’t want to wake her up, because she has problems getting to sleep, but I saw the time beginning to fly away, so I knew I needed to do it. I went into the room and asked her to keep her eyes close (so I can turn the light on) which woke her up immediately.

I knew I was doomed when she started to talk. She asked what was going on, so I explained that I couldn’t find the tablet, and that I was going to check the room. She grunted and told me to hurry and find it. As I was looking through our belongings, she told me that she heard it in the kitchen on Sunday. I tried to explain that I already checked there, but she insisted that I checked again, so I got up from the floor and walked into the kitchen. After a while of searching, again. I was getting really angry, this is when I realized I didn’t check one thing; under the plate on the counter. I walked over to this plate that was sitting on top of buns, when I lifted the plate, I saw the black tablet lying under the plate.

I found it! But when I looked at the time, I realized that I just spent a hour looking for the tablet and that I needed to get to bed. That is when I plugged in the tablet and went to bed (right after posting this, which makes no sense. If I was needing to get to bed, then why did I write this, and if I was going to write, why didn’t I just write the original post? What a dang fail….*FacePalm!*)
Have a great night, guys!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Impromtdude @ Facebook.com/impromtdude

   Have you ever wanted to go back in time, or do something that you did as a child? Have you ever had times, in your life, that you missed the simple days, and wished that you could have another opportunity to make up for lost time?

   When we were kids things were so simple. Life was easy as children, we never had to worry, and we could enjoy the small things. I know as a child, I was fascinated by twigs, sticks, stickers, and any toys that were available. I could turn anything into a toy, and I would never get upset if I didn’t get a specific item. I’m happy now, but I know I was happier then.

   Pokémon has made a return, one that has everyone freaking out. I’m not a huge fan of Pokémon, but with the release of the new game, it has caused me to want to go back in time. I was very young when I started to collect the cards. I use to get the cards out of a local vending machine, inside a grocery store, and I still have all of my original Pokémon cards, and remember playing the Gameboy advance game. I was so fascinated with collecting every card, oh how the time has passed.

     Sadly, I don’t find the classic game fun anymore. I haven’t touched the cards or played any of the games, in years. But I did do something today that will help me go back in time a little. Though, it isn’t the Pokémon game, I did buy an old favorite from Disc Replay, today. It was a game that I originally spent hours playing on the gamecube. I started many games, made many characters, and won a lot. The game isn’t super old (like Pokémon) but it is a game that will help me “go back.” This game is “Madden ’09” and it’s a fan favorite.

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    Back in the day, I was a big card player (yugioh and Pokémon) but as I grew up I got more into sports and sports games. I remember playing “Madden 98” on the PS1 with friends, never knowing how to properly play, or knowing who played for what team. We simply played to spend time together. It was always a blast, there was truly never a dual moment when we played. When I got my gamecube, my friends wanted to play some more Madden, that is when I bought “Madden ’07,” which is my favorite classic Madden, until ’09 came out. ’09 was the last Madden to be released on the gamecube, which is why it’s so special to me.

     I don’t know why this game makes me feel so young, but it’s nice to feel young, again. Being old sucks. All I do is work all the time, and then come home and sleep. I miss the days when I didn’t have to work or pay bills. I miss the days that I could stay up all night, and wouldn’t have to worry about work the next morning. It was nice to get a summer vacation. Now, I get one week of vacation, but during those vacations, I usually sleep or work around the house. I am tired of being responsible, so God, please take me back. Take me back to the easy days, before the hard days!

Impromtdude

Random word post

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       I wanted to give this idea a run-for-its-money, and if it does well then, I will keep it for Wednesdays. In this post, I downloaded a word generator, and I will write a short paragraph about each word. I won’t have time to think of anything clever, so you will get raw Impromptu responses. We did this in school, during speech. So, Why not try it now?
The first word is:

                               Surprise
       When you think of a surprise, you probably think of birthdays. I think of babies, I thin of being pulled out of work , and being told that I am going to be father. I have always loved surprises.

                               Snow
        I use to love the snow, but now since I have a hole on the bottom of my shoe, I found that the snow is not so cool, as I thought. We just got another two inches of snow, where I live. I use to run out in the snow, in my boxers. But now I live downtown, and I would hate to have someone get mad about my sexiness.

                              Russia
       What is there to say about Russia? I like rush hour, does that count as Russian? I always seem to be Russian around, trying to pay my bills. But lately, my Russian is slowing down. So I rush less, giving me less stress.

                             Broccoli
        The last item of tonight’s post, I got one of the best things to mix with cheese. I can’t eat broccoli without cheese. The branches on the broccoli cut off the air in my throat, causing me to choke. I once choked on this vegetable in school. No one saw me choke, so I simply pulled it out of my throat and went on with lunch.  

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Impromtdude @ Facebook.com/impromtdude