Posts Tagged ‘cherish’

In the last ten years, I have held a lot of resentment and anger towards one person. She is no longer in my life, but somehow I still allow her to cause me pain and also allow her to ruin good days. I tried to take back the control by hiding behind humor, but I found out in order to get back that control, I must first forgive her, that is the only way to move on with my life and get away from the past, also the only way to be truly forgiven by God.

This time of the year has always been a little difficult for me, as this was the month that my mother walked away from her kids. She did this in 2004. She gave us our Christmas presents, at the courthouse, and then simply walked away. I haven’t physically seen my mom since, though I have talked to her on the internet, about a year ago. I don’t want to discredit her as a mom, but she has also never been a good parent. She left my sister and me in foster care and went on with her life. She says she tried to fight for us, but I question how hard she fought. Since that day, I have always blamed her for the pain that I feel inside. I try to keep off this subject as some might see it as me trying to get attention, and when I bottle it inside, I feel so much worse. Children are meant to have both parent parts, a job that my dad did amazing at fulfilling, but it still isn’t the same without having that figure in your life. But today marks the end of this. Being upset and hurt won’t do anything; she isn’t coming back, so I must move on. I must forgive her and stop tearing her down any chance I get.

The bible tells us that we must forgive to be forgiven. I really don’t want to be the reason that God isn’t blessing me, all because I can’t forgive a woman. She made a huge mistake, but I can’t judge her. Just like I can’t go into a courtroom and tell the judge how to handle a case. I simply can only forgive her for the wrong she has done and pray that she has gotten the help that she needs. With the strength from God, I want to forgive her publicly, through this blog.

“Dear, mom

Thank you for raising the strongest man that you could have. I am doing great, now. I have a lot going for me, including a job that pays decent, a wife that loves me unconditionally, and faith that could move mountains. I am strong in my faith, so I must now forgive you for the pain that you inflicted on my life. I know that you don’t want to admit that you messed up, as blaming father is much easier to do, but know that I no longer hold that over your head. We all make mistakes, some are worse than others, but they are all mistakes. I have made my fair share of mistakes, so I can’t judge you for yours. I just hope that you are getting the help that you need. I find my security in Jesus. Being in Church helped you care more, so I pray that you find your way back into the chapel. Mom, I sincerely love you. I pray nothing but the best in your life and I hope that you are building a life for yourself. You started life young, being pregnant in high school must have been scary, but you somehow found ground to build on, something most couldn’t do. You met dad, made a family with him. Without you and dad, I wouldn’t be here, so I thank you for that. I thank you for showing me the basic skills for life, as much as you did in the few years we had together, without those teachings, I don’t know how strong I would be. Dad is doing a great job, and has for years; he gave me wisdom and a heart of gold. You need to forgive him and move on, as I must do the same. I want to be a youth pastor, but I don’t want God to stop my blessing because of the anger I have towards you, so I simply must forgive you. God said “If you don’t forgive others for their sins, your heavenly father won’t forgive you.” Mom, I want to see you in heaven, so please get right with God. I have found a way to last without you in this life, but I would be crushed if I got to heaven and didn’t see you there. A lot has happened, but I still love you. I always will. Just do as Romans 10:9-10 says and get right with God. If you need anything, message me, I can walk you through it. Know that I can’t hold on to the pain, anymore. But forever, I will be praying for you!! I love you, and I forgive you.


person holding fountain pen

Photo by John-Mark Smith on


Last year I gave my meaning of Christmas. Take a glance at what I felt was the meaning. I will post this same thing tomorrow, but more of an updated version!

Christmas is here!
Christmas is here, the snow has almost laid its cold and soft blanket across the yards of Illinois and most of the world. The alarms are about to be changed to ten minutes sooner, so we can get up and remove the ice of our cars. The choirs are warming up their beautiful vocals, as they prepare to sing to the elderly. The bells are beginning to ring as you walk into Walmart, the bells are for charity, but we think of different things when we hear them (CHRISTMAS MUSIC.)
Yes the Christmas music hasn’t been cancelled. Rudolph is about to tell the world about his great adventure, Santa is reminding us to be nice. Jack frost is about to receive his hat again. The old ones are about to rock their hips around the Christmas tree. And how could we forget about dashing through the snow. Though we will get annoyed with the same songs that play in synch 24/7 until January, we will have our hearts warmed with the fire that is so delightful. But we will still have a place in our heart for sledding.
Am I too old now to sled? Of course not! You can never be too old to sled. Sledding brings a warmth to my heart that can’t be ignited by any normal flame. It is a delightful feeling to know that I’m still a kid on the inside. That is what Christmas is about, feeling like you haven’t all year. Christmas has been corrupted by the idea of gifts, when in my day it was about feeling warm with your family. Christmas was about being with family, and showing love to those around you.
I am excited about this Christmas. It is the first time in a couple years that I have felt this way. The feeling left when people started to fight about the phrase “Happy holidays” So many people got mad because there wasn’t Christ in that phrase. But we have to look past a silly phrase (That was put into place to suit everyone’s beliefs) and look at why we should be happy during Christmas.
Christmas to me was the one time that all of my family was in one place at the same time. People work hard for their money, meaning that sometimes they can’t attend family events. But with very few expectations, Christmas shuts down most stores. This fact gives everyone the same day off! We all would pile into my grandmas house and laugh with each other, talking about the past year and what has changed. There was never a fight on Christmas, never a disagreement, never resentment, never tears (unless of joy). It was like for the one day of the year, the world was fully at peace. I miss that.
I miss seeing families through their windows as you drove by. Like seeing a dad pick up a son or daughter, and throwing them up in the air. Or seeing the notorious snowball fight, where the dad would bring mom down to the snow. She was never mad though, she knew this was a part of Christmas. I miss hearing about family stories that were told on Christmas, now it is about how much was under their tree, it has become unbearable to hear about!
This Christmas do me a favor, and focus more on reconnecting with family, and less on buying that Xbox one. Materialistic things will break and fade away, but the family moments that we lock away in our hearts may become dim, but they will never be forgotten. As long as you hold on to those memories, nothing will be able to make you upset on Christmas.
Christmas, to me, is about family. Let us get it back to that!

When I was growing up, I was always listening to Country music. But now-a-days I would have to say if a kid is listening to music, they are listening to some wicked rhymes. I could bet money on this and win every time. The kids these days are wildly influenced by Rap, which scares me, since most rap songs contain sexual references, gang violence and drugs. But through all of the weed clouds, I was able to find an inspiring Christian rap group that speaks life through the darkness that others have caused. Michael Sullivan, the lead man of 878, took a seat with me and answered a few of my questions before his Album drops here, very shortly.
Mr. Sullivan grew up on the streets of Springfield, Illinois. While growing up, Michael failed to ever have a father figure in his life, this would lead to a rough beginning to his life as Little Mike was abused mentally and physically by his mothers boyfriends. While looking for guidance, Michael found the love that he wanted through the rough streets of Springfield, which led to selling drugs, theft, and vandalism. His actions were justified through the system, as Michael was put behind bars, this is where he met the God that he bases his songs around. Though Michael gave God all control, he still felt that he was alone as he battle through depression and addiction. Michaels faith was stretched to the limits when his cousin that helped produce his music was murdered. Michael referred to his cousin as his “Best friend.” With the loss in the family, Michael was about to give up on his faith, but even with him pushing God away, he was still shown an unconditional love that caused his heart to turn back to God. This was when he met his beautiful wife, Gloria in 2013. Thinking that he was finally going to have true happiness, Michael lived in harmony. But Glorias’ health gave up, causing her to have 10 surgeries, which almost caused her loss two times. With his wife in and out of the hospital, the young and happy family couldn’t keep up with their bills and lost their home. Michael was now homeless with a passion of music and a heart of prayer that would cause him to move to Florida to follow his dream led by God.
Before leaving for Florida, Michael began a group called 878. This name was very unique to myself. But then Michael filled me in to why he called it as it is. His cousin Christopher B Nesch opened the doors to this studio in 1998, in order for those who were unable to record due to cost, could still record. To Chris it was all about unity of one-another and the love of hip-hop. Chris formed the name when he spelt Tru through the numbers on a dial pad, which formed 878. This was to form Tru Rekordz, but the name had already been taken by another studio, so Chris decided to keep it 878 Rekordz, keeping the meaning in-tact. 878 was explained to me by Michael as “God is in the midst of us forever.” As the 8s on their sides are the sign of infinity, and the 7 represents the number of perfection, which is God. But 878 stands as a representation of anyone who represents Christ, and for those who are affiliated with them in the goal of spreading the gospel, of Christ, to the world.
Michael refers to “The art of music” as the expression of one person, and spends a lot of his time perfecting the beats that he creates and shares with his Partner in music Will B Loki. Michaels main goal though is to reach everyone that he can, which forces him to create content that many can relate to. This, he feels, will cause him to shine brighter as an artist trying to make it. But when asked how he responds to hatred by those who don’t believe in the rhymes that he spits about Christ, he responded “It just lets me know how lost the world really is and how much they are in need of a savior and makes me want to do my music that much more and spread his love.” His passion is undeniably amazing.
878 will be releasing “The day of Atonement”, which has a demo already out, in order for you guys to hear the amazing work behind the young group. In order for you guys to hear the work of 878, there will be a post tomorrow working around their talents. But I can tell you that with the heart and mind of Michael, and his inspirations being: 2 Pac, Lecrae, Trip Lee, Mercy Me, 3 Days Grace. You will be guranteed to find a song that you will find your head nodding to, and your heart being tugged towards.
Michael would like to thank these people for his success to this point: God, my wife, my family and everyone who supported me and I can’t forget about my dog Sullie nickname “Studio Dog”



There we were standing, watching the maniac coming to us pulling his shovel behind him. He was still smiling and had that sick whistle exiting out of his mouth as he slowly walked towards us. I push myself off of the ground and get ready to fight this sick-son-of-a-bitch. Though fighting has never been my style, I was taught to stand up for my friends that can’t fight for themselves. So with my fingers twitching from the fear in my heart, I stood my ground, pushing out my chest.
He got up to me, and looked in to my eyes. When I look back into his eyes something doesn’t feel right. When I have stared into other peoples eyes in the past, I felt warm and wanted. When I looked through his eyes, I felt a strong darkness coming on to me. This feeling I read from an article is when someone has nothing but hate in their body. Usually this feeling is because of something they lost in the past.
“Move” The man spoke to me like he owned me while breathing into my face with breath that smells as if he hasn’t brushed in almost two years. The rotted teeth were in the front of the mouth, they were bad. I stood there though without budging a inch, he tried to push me out of the way, but I regained the posture and got back in front of him. “You will not hurt my friend!” I told him as I put my finger into his face. He didn’t get mad at me, he stood there with a blank face. But then as I began to calm down and let my body loosening up, he swung on me. He put his fist into my jaw, knocking me to the ground. I wanted to get up but when I tried, my body forced itself down, I was too dizzy to fight back. All I could do for now is watch this lunatic hurt my friend.
“You thought that you could get away from me?” This man laughs as he walks up to Amanda. She tries to push herself away from the crazy old man but she was too tired. “You can’t get away from me!” He laughs again and steps on her ankle. “AHHHHHHHH” She screams loudly, her aching echoed through the woods as it pierced my heart. I try to push myself up, but there’s nothing I could do. I look at them with less hope than before. “Stop screaming” He pushes down harder onto her ankle, breaking the once sprained ankle. Her tears multiplied as she looked up at the man.
“Please don’t do this, I wont tell anyone, we can all walk away tonight. I will tell everyone that I was in an accident.” The man pushes down harder. “Please!!!! STOP!!!” She screams louder than before. He then pulls up his shovel and pushes it to her neck. “You know, I could kill you now.” Amanda crunches her eyes knowing that this was the end of the line for her. “Then do it.” Amanda gives up the struggle and lies there, he pulls up the shovel, getting ready to drop the guillotine. But as he went to slam the shovel into her throat, someone ran through the yard and tackled the old man, slamming him into the ground. His shovel flew across the yard. Amanda opens her eyes and looks for her savior. Her savior was pounding the old mans face in, leaving him a bloody mess on the ground. I could hear each point of contact, each bone breaking, each agonizing moan from the man. I pulled myself up long enough to walk over to Amanda then fell down next to her. She grabs ahold of my hand. I look down at her ankle, which was bleeding, her bones were showing through her skin, but that wasn’t focused on, this mysterious guy was more important to her at the moment, which was now finished with the pounding. He was sitting on his knees shaking his head. He got up from the ground and turned around. Amanda screamed as she noticed who it was. It happens to be Alex, the same guy that she thought was dead earlier from the stomp to the head. He stood there smiling at her with bloody fist, then started to walk over to her. But as he took his first step, he fell to the ground, grabbing his calf muscle, the old man took a knife and pierced it through his muscle and slid it down towards his ankle, shredding every muscle down. I screamed as I got up from the ground, I ran over to help him, but as I got close, the old man climbed on to his body and put the bloody blade deep into his throat. I heard Amanda scream as she saw the blood gush out of the wound.
With the bloody scream from Amanda, the guy looks straight at her, and pushes himself off the ground, with a new destination in mind. He had his mind stuck on the girl that was his main victim, this time he wasn’t letting a distraction get to him. But I wasn’t going to let him get to her, not this time, this time it was time to save her, even if it meant death. He grabs his shovel and begins to walk towards her, I charge him. I got to him quickly, but not quick enough to dodge the shovel handle which smashed into my teeth. I hit the ground in pain, spitting out three of my front teeth into my hand. Blood was draining out of my mouth, but I couldn’t let that get to me. My best friend was in trouble, this wasn’t going to be the end for her. At the time that I got up from the ground, I turned around to see him on top of her. He was telling her all of the things that he was going to do to her body when she was dead. She shouted while trying to do everything to get him off, but nothing was working. I ran over to Alexs’ deceased body and grabbed the knife out of his neck, then turned around and ran to the maniac. He didn’t flinch at  all as I stabbed him in the chest with the knife, so I tried to twist. He threw me off of him and got back on Amanda. This time, he started to move his hand up her skirt. She gave up trying to get him off as he pushed down on her ankle as tears ran down her face and into the ground. He almost got to her underwear, when he heard my scream for him. He turned around to look at me, but as he turned so didn’t my arm, I swing his shovel as hard as I can into his face. The sharp end of the shovel cut his head clean off. which flopped on the side of Amanda, she screams as blood covers her face.
I know at this point that Alex is dead, but I had to make sure that he wasn’t suffering. I walk over to him and grab him by the head. His eyes open slightly as he looks into mine. He tells me to keep her safe and that he loves us. His eyes shut for the last time as a tear rolls off of my cheek onto his nose. I give out a loud cry as I hold my step-brother in my hands. Amanda was crying behind me, I asked her if she was ready to walk back to the house. “Nice pajamas” She jokes as I help her up and we walk back to the house with a lot of stops in between. When we got back to the house, we went inside and called the Emergency number, they were out there in no time. She was loaded into the ambulance and taking to the hospital. I sat in the cops car as they called my parents. Officer Black was hot, he was single and liked girls with teeth missing, so I had a chance.
-Two years later-
We never got over this, the nightmare of that night screams through my dreams every night. Sometimes I walk through a grocery store and still feel those black eyes staring at me. I fear being alone with anyone, but I have been  getting better. I wish I could say the same thing about Amanda, she lost more than me that night. She lost all her feeling in her ankle, she can’t walk without assistance, the doctors tried to fix it but it wasn’t repairible. We are no longer friends. She told me she can’t look at my new teeth without being hurt that she lost everything that night. I have come to accept that to this day, but it does hurt. It hurts that I can’t run to her house when I get into a fight with my boyfriend, Chris Black. Soon I hope we will be able to patch this up. But until then, I will pray for her.