Posts Tagged ‘bringing’

What is happening and why is it happening again?

This always happens to me, I find some kind of happiness then it is sucked away. I over examine everything that I do in my life and usually over examine what other people say and do. People have done some things to me in my life, but it has never been as serious as I make it to be. Yeah, we could talk about my mother, but that isn’t what I am talking about. I am talking about the fact that people leave me behind and move on. They take me into the woods and leave me like an unwanted dog. I then have to find my way back home, praying that someone will eventually keep me in their home. This is just a thought, though. I am not alone, of course, but sometimes it feels like it. I have a wife, she is the best thing in my life, but sometimes I just want to have someone check in on me. I want a friend to check to make sure that I am fine, but that is wishful thinking, I guess. They stay for a few months, but everyone gets tired of ol’ Blake. They find someone better and will leave.

This is when things get worse for me. This is when anxiety gets into my veins and begin to rot my inner peace. I try to hold on.  It is hard to hold on to a sharp knife. The knife begins to cut your hand and eventually you will let go, this is what anxiety feels like. Anxiety for me has been a horrible battle. I am usually a pretty awesome guy, I want to make everyone happy (well most of the time) until the knife begins to cut, again. When the knife is pressed against my hand, I don’t want anyone to talk to me. I don’t want to go to work. I don’t want to be better, I just want to do what I have always done, slowly sink to the back of the room. It becomes harder to get out of this state, the more that I get into this kind of mood.

Recently, I have found myself in this state. I had to hide behind my crew, because I didn’t want to take any orders, I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I didn’t want to be at work, it was the last thing that I wanted to do. I push people away and make them feel like I hate them when I have this knife pressed against my hand. I tell people to leave and to never come back, but then I want to chase them down, but I have pride so I will sit back and watch them leave. The worst part is that I will blame them because they left. I pushed them into a battlefield, yet I will say that they shot the first bullet. I could understand why these people don’t want to be around me.

I wouldn’t want anyone to hurt me then blame me for them hurting me. I do get that, but I don’t understand why so many don’t want to be around me. I understand that I treat others like shit, but I am talking about those who I don’t even know. They walk out of my life, leaving me to wonder what I did wrong and how I can change myself. These people make me hate my life and then I get more depressed and push more people away.

My anxiety is horrible, I just want to be normal. I want to keep people near me and show others that I am not a creep or something in that nature. I think I am a good swing for those who want to be friends. I just want to know what is wrong with me. Anxiety is horrible. This is where I am right now, full of it. I might be trying to keep ahold of this knife, but I know that I am one nudge away from losing it. .

image

Impromtdude @ Facebook.com/impromtdude

Lets be serious

I want to take a minute and be serious. I know that I have been doing a lot of goofy crap with Bart, but tonight I want to slow everything down and talk about someone I miss a lot. This person has been gone for over two months and I can’t take it anymore. I really miss him and don’t know if my weeks will ever be the same.

It happened on a Sunday night. He was walking his wife to their friends house, when this big bully forced them to their knees. This bully went on to torture their minds by playing a few mind games. I heard he tried to fight this bully off, but the bully had more bully friends that held him down. He told my friend to stay down or he will just hurt both of them. I wish I could have helped, but that wasn’t the case. Nothing I could have done would have helped. This bully had a problem, he already was convinced that he had to do this.

The picture was painted in my head that this guy pulled out his weapon and pointed it at both of them. The bully was still trying to make his mind up, so he kept putting his weapon in each of their faces, taunting that he only needed one, then the other could go. My friend was brave, but this brought him to tears, hell everyone had to be in tears! His tears didn’t stoop the bully, though. The bully lifted his weapon and dropped it quickly, letting out a long, dark laugh! “I’m joking….” He laughed, but suddenly lifted his bat again “NOT!” as he slammed his bat onto his head, popping his eye out of his skull.

My friend died that night after the bully kept hitting him, after the initial blow! His wife told me that she couldn’t even recognize who he was!! She is heart broken, as she was pregnant with his child. She is being strong, but I know she really misses him. Through this, I don’t know how she kept the child safe, but I am glad that she did.

I usually don’t make these types of post, but I really miss this man. He was my favorite character and the show isn’t the same without him. I just got done watching The Walking Dead and I must say, Glenn was the glue that kept me interested in the show, without him the show isn’t the same….I miss him! Will you pray for Glenn and his wife, Maggie? We need all the prayers we can get….R.I.P Glenn!!!

image

Impromtdude @ Facebook.com/impromtdude