Posts Tagged ‘anger’

What is happening and why is it happening again?

This always happens to me, I find some kind of happiness then it is sucked away. I over examine everything that I do in my life and usually over examine what other people say and do. People have done some things to me in my life, but it has never been as serious as I make it to be. Yeah, we could talk about my mother, but that isn’t what I am talking about. I am talking about the fact that people leave me behind and move on. They take me into the woods and leave me like an unwanted dog. I then have to find my way back home, praying that someone will eventually keep me in their home. This is just a thought, though. I am not alone, of course, but sometimes it feels like it. I have a wife, she is the best thing in my life, but sometimes I just want to have someone check in on me. I want a friend to check to make sure that I am fine, but that is wishful thinking, I guess. They stay for a few months, but everyone gets tired of ol’ Blake. They find someone better and will leave.

This is when things get worse for me. This is when anxiety gets into my veins and begin to rot my inner peace. I try to hold on.  It is hard to hold on to a sharp knife. The knife begins to cut your hand and eventually you will let go, this is what anxiety feels like. Anxiety for me has been a horrible battle. I am usually a pretty awesome guy, I want to make everyone happy (well most of the time) until the knife begins to cut, again. When the knife is pressed against my hand, I don’t want anyone to talk to me. I don’t want to go to work. I don’t want to be better, I just want to do what I have always done, slowly sink to the back of the room. It becomes harder to get out of this state, the more that I get into this kind of mood.

Recently, I have found myself in this state. I had to hide behind my crew, because I didn’t want to take any orders, I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I didn’t want to be at work, it was the last thing that I wanted to do. I push people away and make them feel like I hate them when I have this knife pressed against my hand. I tell people to leave and to never come back, but then I want to chase them down, but I have pride so I will sit back and watch them leave. The worst part is that I will blame them because they left. I pushed them into a battlefield, yet I will say that they shot the first bullet. I could understand why these people don’t want to be around me.

I wouldn’t want anyone to hurt me then blame me for them hurting me. I do get that, but I don’t understand why so many don’t want to be around me. I understand that I treat others like shit, but I am talking about those who I don’t even know. They walk out of my life, leaving me to wonder what I did wrong and how I can change myself. These people make me hate my life and then I get more depressed and push more people away.

My anxiety is horrible, I just want to be normal. I want to keep people near me and show others that I am not a creep or something in that nature. I think I am a good swing for those who want to be friends. I just want to know what is wrong with me. Anxiety is horrible. This is where I am right now, full of it. I might be trying to keep ahold of this knife, but I know that I am one nudge away from losing it. .

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Impromtdude @ Facebook.com/impromtdude

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I don’t know what to think

    Hey there. I hope you guys are having a great night. I wish I was watching the game tonight, but that isn’t happening. Instead, I am spending the night watching YouTube videos. You might be wondering why, since I am a huge fan of the NFL. Let me tell you why. It will only take a few seconds.

This has been an ongoing problem for a few days. We have been having the same problem, but it has gotten worse. See a few days ago Ariel and I were watching a T.V. show. Then as the show was getting good, the picture pixeled out. The screen froze for a few seconds before breaking back into the show. I thought that the receiver was just glitching out due to the weather. We went on with our lives, but then tonight we were watching the game. The game would freeze every ten seconds, which ruined the Cowboys loss for me. I knew I had to get this fixed, because I want to watch the upcoming games.

I am the type of guy that will go to YouTube for everything. YouTube is the best thing since meth. They have a video for everything, so I knew it could help me. I went on and found a video that was very helpful. The video told me to disconnect the hdmi cord from the back. The connection was supposedly corrupted and needed to be reset. I disconnected the cord and waited. But when I plugged it back in the problem was still there. At this point, I was done with trying to figure it out, so I called the technician.

If I can say anything about DIRECTV it is that their wait time is amazing. I only waited two minutes on hold before I got redirected. This is impressive next to what I use to wait with Comcast. When the woman came on the phone, she was a sweety. She was really sweet and wanted to help me. After a few minutes of trying to diagnose the problem, this woman had hit her limits. She was unable to help any further. This is when she sent me to the next person in line. That person was a little more irritating. She only cared about me paying for the service, instead of trying to get me help. She told me all the prices of the service, yet never asked me to do anything. She was quick to schedule an appointment that would cost me over $100. I told this woman that I wasn’t going to pay this because its not my fault that their equipment was bad. She then told me that it was that or I could sign up for a monthly protection program. Being done with this fight, I agreed to the protection program. The woman told me the time of the meeting, which happens to be on the day that I have to work. Now, I have to find a way to miss that day so I can be here with the technician. I am thinking about shutting my service off..

Am I overreacting?

Should I just let this go? I don’t feel like I should have to pay for a receiver because their equipment is crap. They should realize that the equipment is out-of-date and should replace it without question or another bill. I know that everything cost, but when I have done nothing to break their equipment, why should I have to pay? Someone please bring light to my selfishness.

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Impromtdude @ Facebook.com/impromtdude

    Imagine walking down a long, dark tunnel. This tunnel resembles your life and the choices that you have made. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. The closer you get to the light, the more colder that the tunnel gets. You are freezing, but it gets worse. You are almost to the end, then it starts to pour water. You want to continue, but doubt gets to you. You don’t think that you can make it, so you stop. The light at the end of the tunnel becomes dim, then fades completely. This is what depression feels like. At first, you are strong, but then the weight of the world falls onto your shoulders. You want to carry on, but the hope is no longer driving you. You begin to feel alone and eventually you give up.

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   350 million people are affected by depression worldwide. This is 5% of the whole world. Of the U.S.A we are looking at 16 million civilians that suffer from feeling alone or not good enough. People are likely to be depressed because of Brain chemistry, Hormones, genetics and/or personal risk factors, which include: Low self-esteem, physical or sexual abuse, diabetes or other major health factors, alcohol or drug abuse, medication side-effects, also the history of their family can play a big part in their health. Women are also more likely to suffer from depression than men are.

   Suffering from depression can really hold someone down and make their life unbearable. If the feeling of being alone isn’t enough, there are other effects that depression will cause. These effects consist of becoming angry easily, not being able to control your anger, anxiety issues, loss of interest in something that you love to do, being stuck in the past, and having suicidal thoughts. This becomes hard to live a life when you have no passion to do anything, especially the hobbies that you use to love to participate in.  With no interest in doing anything, one could only imagine what negative effects this will have on the body. There are a huge amount of additional effects that bring harm to your body, and should not be ignored.
   
   The physical effects are pretty serious and are usually easy to spot. This is why they ask you to keep an eye for these things. Insomnia, fatigue, and random aches and pains might be hard to catch, as the person might not speak up about it. But you might be able to catch these next few things easier. Weight gain/loss in a rapid form. You will be able to catch if someone is losing a lot of weight (or gaining) quickly. Increase or decrease in appetite should also be easy to catch on to. Also, they could have a hard time concentrating. If the person is big into art, but can’t find time to concentrate on art, then youmight want to talk to them. This is a pretty huge deal, because the next sign is more dangerous; cutting/self harm. You will be able to see the marks (sometimes not so easily) but this shouldn’t be taken lightly. If you ever find someone is cutting, you need to talk them into getting help, immediately.

  Being a friend to a person with depression can be hard, but God gives us help in his word. Three scriptures stood out to me today, all of them pointed to this topic. These scriptures can guide you to help those in need, or they can help you as you fight depression, yourself. The first Scripture was

Deuteronomy 31:8 “The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”

Psalms 34:17 “The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles.”

1 Peter 5: 6-7 “Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.”

   God will never leave his people. He is always there for you, all you have to do is cry out for him. He knows that you are not strong enough to face the giants, alone, that is why he is there with you. You must first humble yourself, then you and God will be able to escape the feeling of world being on your shoulders. But, remember, as the children of God, it is also our job to go out and help those in need. We have to watch for the signs. Suicide is a huge problem, but with our kind hearts, we could change all of that! It is time for us to help those in need. It is our time to stand with those who feel alone.

Impromtdude @ Facebook.com/impromtdude

Today marks a year after we hit our first deer. The night was cold. I just picked up Ariel from work as she just got off a closing shift. I was excited to see her but I wanted to get home. We usually stopped at the gas station, but for some reason, we didn’t stop this night. It was probably because of the dropping temperature, but we have to think; what would have happened if we stopped? 

 We made it about five miles out of Chatham. Our conversation must have distracted me for a split second. When I came back to reality, all I could see were deers. There were four deers, each standing in front of each other, as they crossed the street. I was unable to swerve or stop, so I took the hit. I smashed into the first one, the second one hit my drive side (not hard) and the last two both hit the back of the car, ripping off the bumper. We both were startled, but Ariel began to cry hysterically. 

It was her first car. Her first car was just wrecked, but we didn’t want to stop. I told her that I wanted to get out of the area. She agreed. I was just ready to get home, so I kept driving. The whole ride home Ariel couldn’t stop crying. I tried to comfort her, but I also felt guilty for wrecking the car for some reason. I know I couldn’t have changed what happened. There wasn’t a way out of the situation; I did what I could have. 

When we got home, I ran to the front of the car. The damage was bad. The car was most definitely totaled. The right headlight was gone, along with the hood being pushed up. The hood was one inch away feom the radiator cap. That deer really screwed that car up, but luckily we were okay. 

The car ran okay for us for the remainder part of the year, but it finally died. We think it was connected to the deer, but we aren’t so sure. Either way, that happened a year ago. That night was a damn disaster and I hope we never have to go through that, again. 

Deers suck, stay safe!

I hate myself sometimes.
I am not the biggest fan of myself, every now and then. I actually hate myself most of the time, and the reason is simple; I get bored of something really easily, even if I am doing amazing at it. I have always had this problem, and it is something that has held me back in life, and in my dreams. I got bored with getting better with my Punting skills, I gave up on getting better with my guitar skills, and I have slowed down in my writing. I wouldn’t say this is due to boredom, but I wouldn’t know what to call it, so I will call it boredom.
I can never keep with one thing, long. I find myself going through a lot of phases, never getting great at everything, but staying average at everything. Its like if I got great at something, then I would get even more bored, and I would walk away from it. But if I take breaks from it, then I will always have to get better, killing more time and keeping the challenge in the hobby. This is why I have been slowing down on writing, well I think that’s the reason?
I saw myself slowing down on my writing career, when I started to get apparel. I was about to release a clothing line, new stickers, and many other things. This is when I started to feel myself pull back from the writing. It seemed that my mind knew that we were getting stuff done, and it got scared, stopping my body on a dime. I don’t know what is scary about blowing up, but it is a fear inside myself. I am legit scared to become someone in the writing world, that I will compromise my writing routine, disabling myself from becoming something. I just don’t know why its so scary. I would love to become famous, I would love for my writing to get noticed, and for it to be in newspapers, magazines, and various other outlets. I love the idea of the challenge, and would love for the idea to come into reality.
I am hoping that the fear will end, soon. I am forcing myself to write. I hate forcing myself to do something that I am hesitant to do, and would love to get over this, so I can start writing freely again. I would love some encouraging words, it really helps! Thank you, with your help, we will finally get over this!

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Impromtdude @ Facebook.com/impromtdude

Is there something that you do that drives people insane? Like when they say something, you cant help but to mock them? Or maybe you are one of the people that love to correct someone when they are wrong. If you aren’t that far yet, then maybe you are still a loud chewer. Which I find more annoying than nails on a chalkboard. So if you have those traits, then you will know how I get into the most trouble with  everyone around me, such as: My boss, My wife, My in-laws, and my friends. Here are 5 of those traits that I like to annoy people with!
1. My sarcasm (smartass syndrome)– I have always been the class clown, or the one that has to be the center of attention. With that came people getting very angry at me. It happens when someone says something that I find stupid, or easy to make a joke from. I do it a lot at work. It’s like trolling, just worse. Example: My teacher busted through the computer lab because we were being very loud. She started to scream and said “I can’t believe you are eighth graders” Well since she opened that door, I replied “I can’t believe its not butter!” Everyone laughed, well everyone except for her!

2. My I-don’t-care attitude- To stay the stronger party in sticky situations, I will put up a wall that I call my “Don’t-give-a-shit” zone. This is when I am tired of being blamed for something or I know I am in trouble. I will literally say I don’t care about everything. When in the workplace this gets me into a lot of trouble with my boss, since he doesn’t think I am taking my job seriously. When in reality if he would let me do my job, nothing would be wrong.

3. The Blackout– Though I have entered this zone only once or twice in my life, I know if I enter it again things will be very bad. This zone is where I can’t control what I do, no matter the cost at the end. I can’t remember the last time I blacked-out, but I remember times I started to. My thoughts during this stage are freaky, like murderer freaky!

4. My passions– When prepping for this post, I would have never thought this would come to my mind. I will do anything to get what I want, I think if I had a choice to cut off everyone for my chance, I would, well except for my wife. I would have no problem using every tool giving to me to crush the competition. I am an Aries and that weighs heavily on my mind when pursuing dreams. If you don’t understand that, then this will help, I am an arrogant asshole when it comes to getting my way. I am a ram running through a crowd, no one is safe.

5. My kindness– This one is a bad one. I usually don’t let emotions get to me (from years of blocking out) but there will be times where I will break my back for someone, knowing  that it will only blow up in my face. I have been hurt really bad in the past with this, but to this day, I still haven’t fully gotten better from doing this!

Never get this wrong, I will always be there for you guys. I love you guys and I understand that without you there would be no future, so don’t think for a minute that I will do anything to hurt you guys, or shut you out. Even if I did get famous, you guys would be my first impromts. Meaning that I will do nothing to hurt my fans, or to show you guys anything other than the awesome Blakester. Never forget that! I love you guys!

Today I told myself that I would need to control myself to get through the day. I had to convince myself that I needed my job to save it from ending up in the garbage.
Today wasn’t my best day, from waking up until now, even at work, Where usually I am a very happy person. My day started with finding out that my phone is officially dead, leaving me without a phone to call people from. With that stressing me out, I had to go to work to spend hours listening to everything I do wrong, yes it has become that bad, I was not ready to arrive at work. But finally I convinced myself to go, and got up from my warm bed.
I got to work at 5:59, one minute until I was late, which has become a bad habit that I need to break. Especially since I have to pick up after certain people. One of my biggest pet peeves, is when someone cant finish their first priorities but then can go and do optional things, suc as soaking nozzles. You should only go out of your way if you are fully done with your close, which no one is ever that far ahead. Well when I got to work, I had to put the nozzles back on while being very tired, lets just say that I got soda in my eyes. That crap burns worse than icy hot on your genitals.
I simply wrote a friendly reminder that the soda nozzles only need to soak for one minute, then you put them back on. When my General manager saw the note, he called me back to the back and yelled at me, telling me that I need to not write notes. He refused to believe that these were the procedures. I kept myself down as much as I could, but I felt anger and depression filling my stomach, and when that happens, I lose control.
He backed off for a little while, but then started again, this time it wasn’t towards me. This time it was him talking to a new crew trainer about his future as a manager. This wasn’t the part that pissed me off, no the point that pissed me off was when he promised my position to him, well he would be my co-assistant, meaning he would be doing the same thing as me, but possibly making more money. So I told him I was going to quit soon.
My gm just nodded as I told him that I am looking for a new job, showing that he really doesn’t care about my position. Then to put a little cherry to the top of this hell sundae, he told me that my close was the worse he has seen in a while. I shook my head in disbelief, because if you have ever came into my store when I am working, the store looks good. He has been nitpicking every move that I have been making.
Today was just a slight freak out, but I am letting you guys know that, I started today saying I would control myself. I don’t know how long I will be able to keep this in, but I must admit that I feel sorry for who ever is in my way when I do.