Letters to the chapel; Where I am now

Posted: September 13, 2017 in Uncategorized

I don’t know why I am writing this article. I thought I was done with this segment and thought it was fully buried, but I have something on my chest that has something to do with this topic, so I promise to bury this after this post. Tonight is the last post on “Letters to the Chapel” I hope you enjoy.

If you have followed this segment, you would know that I had a pretty bad fallout with the Church, one that ended with a decision that changed my life, forever. I was given an option to either stop dating Ariel or I could step down from the ministry, which was making it impossible for me to stay there. This was the last night that I was in that church, since then I have been to church a handful of times, if not less. I am/was a passionate Christian when I was huge into the religion, but what most don’t know is that I was dying inside.

I rejected to accept that I was running out of road as a Christian, mainly because I didn’t have all the answers. I didn’t know what I was needing to do, so I just allowed my fire to be dimmed, until eventually I didn’t have the fire at all. My wick was burnt, but no longer was on fire, I saw this as the end of my walk. What I know now is that God was wanting me to become a more mature and more quiet Christian, when I thought I was suppose to be the screaming, hardcore Christian. I held on to an old fire for so long that I forgot that there were other fires that could be felt, so when something new would come in my life I would reject it and try to find that old fire.

It only took a few months of my rejection before I started to feel calluses form on my heart. I don’t know how to explain it, other than a dark prison. I was locked into the same place, this is when I stopped feeling Christ. I think all of this is making sense, I surely hope it is!!!

I never wanted people to think I couldn’t feel God, so I started to fake the fire that I felt. I knew what to do so people couldn’t tell that I was struggling, because I didn’t want people to think I was a fake Christian, or know that I wasn’t perfect. That was the end of any passion that I had. I stopped caring about reading the bible, praying became a forced habit, and I wouldn’t talk to people about God. From a strangers eyes, I was just another guy.

If I am being honest, getting kicked out of Church was probably for the best. I don’t respect them for doing it, mainly because of the reasoning, but I needed it. Being released from that Church was the key to the cell that I was trapped in. It was the perfect fit and allowed me to leave my dark prison. But don’t think, because I was happy about being banned, that I don’t still hurt from the betrayal, because that is so far from the truth. I found that out recently when someone got a whole different type of treatment for doing something worse than what I did. He got someone pregnant, and they were okay with it. I had to see photos of my old mentor marry them, when he rejected me. I couldn’t help but fall apart inside when I saw it. I don’t understand how he could walk away from me so quickly, yet hold onto a man that did something worse than I did. It broke me.

I haven’t cried since the night I left that church. That was 5 years ago, 5 years since I have had a tear fall from my face, that is a long time. I haven’t wanted to read the bible since that night either. This one situation ruined my faith. Don’t think I haven’t tried to get it back, because I have, I just cant find the love that I use to have. If I am ever going to be like I use to, I need something big to happen to me, something I am very unsure of. I’m sorry to any that I make mad about this, but you have to understand the pain that I have been through, only then will you get why I am the way I am!!!

I do pray that one day I can find my way back to God. I might be on the road to Damascus, who knows. All I can do now is protect those who are close to me and keep walking the way that I am right now. This is my final entry in “Letters to the Chapel” until I find my way back to God. Thank you for taking the time to read this and have a good time!

     One day, I hope to understand why you did this. One day, I pray that I can forgive you for leaving my side and making me feel this way, but I can’t right now. You were a huge part in my life and I miss you, but I know if you come back it would be out of pitty. One day, Josh, I hope you come back into my life, because I have learned so much from you. Stay strong and congrats on the new church. ByE!




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