Broken (ready to quit writing. calling it quits!)

Posted: July 10, 2017 in Uncategorized

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It is 2 a.m. as I sit at my desk. Ariel is sleeping behind me and she looks so peaceful. I like the fact that she is finally sleeping, after a week of fighting for a drop of sleep. I’m glad that she finally is getting the rest that she deserves. But this isn’t about Ariel, though I think it would be easier to talk about her. It would be much easier to tell you about the things going on in her life, that she is working insane hours, that she has family drama (yet she is doing okay), that she has hit her labor goal for like the 1000th week, in a row. She is a fantastic manager and deserves to make a lot more than she does now. It is much easier to tell you guys that she has been enjoying the Halloween franchise, yet hates Rob Zombies’ remake, but everyone hated that crap reboot. But I can’t spend this whole post talking about how she is doing, that’s not what this is about. This is my goodbye….well I think it is,
December was a cold month and it barely snowed. It wasn’t cold because of the weather, the coldness came from my heart. The coldness was for writing. I had everything on the inside froze, my flame for writing was blown out. I lost my passion to do anything with my writing career, so I closed my tablet and put it on the shelf. I lost something in December, something that I sstill haven’t gotten back.
I stopped writing in December and almost deactivated my blog. I didn’t want to post to Impromtdude, anymore. I said that it wasn’t worth the pain that it was bringing me. I was tired of always trying to get noticed just to get knocked down and kicked in the process. I figured I wasn’t good enough for the writing world. I read other writers work and I felt like I was far from their talent, like practice wouldn’t help. I figured I wasn’t good enough to get the gift of writing. I got jealous of my writing friends as they sold their books, where my book is still in the outlining process. The book is in the outline process, because I still didn’t think the book was good enough to start. I felt like I was taking someone’s idea and trying to make it my own. This got worse when I started losing ideas for this blog. I couldn’t come up with things to say to you guys. I lost all motivation and the weight of the world came down on my shoulders and I quit. I quit because I didn’t want to keep saying the same things, because writers don’t do that, we find something else to say, but I kept saying the same thing. I was about three years in, without missing a day of writing. Then I got busy one night and couldn’t write. It became it easier to not post and eventually I stopped writing. That was 6-months ago. Fast forward to Today, I still don’t want to write, but I want to get things off my chest.
Writing has always been a therapy for me. It is where I go when I don’t have anything to live for. It has been my best friend when I was in the roughest part in my life. It has held my hand as I saw my closest friends leave my side. It has listened to countless stories about Emilee, my mother and multiple other heartbreaks that I have endured. It has helped me get back to a good peace of mind. The thing that I love the most is that it has helped me write so many helpful articles. I got a message the other night from someone that found my blog on the internet. She read the blog where I compared real love to first loves. She said that she just got out of a relationship and that she doesn’t believe that true love is out there. I was grateful to talk to her about finding Ariel after Emilee and I told her about the pain that I was feeling while trying to find Ariel. I concluded with saying that True love is always out there, you just have to keep your mind open and ready your heart for something magical. Though, she didn’t reply, I know that it helped her. When she reached out to me about something I wrote, my heart truly melted. I didn’t know that my stuff was actually helping people. This is why I write. I want to help people that are going through things that I have already went through. I just don’t know if I can still do it.
There are so many writers out there that write the same thing as I do, so even I if didn’t post, that person could still get the same message. I could not exist, as a writer, and the earth would still rotate. I guess I just don’t feel special. I don’t feel like I bring anything good to the table. I just want to be proven wrong. I want someone to notice my work. I don’t want to say this is it, but I don’t know what else I can do.

Impromtdude @ Facebook.com/impromtdude

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