Archive for July, 2017

Bottoms up, motherf……

Posted: July 12, 2017 in Uncategorized

Alcohol is my friend!

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The fun thing about being an adult is that you can have adult beverages and no one looks at you different. It is great to have an alcohol beverage after a long day, or maybe after the best damn day of your life! The point is that the beverage is a great coping tool or a great relaxer. Alcohol is my friend.
I have had great days. Those days are always so easy to get over, they are the best. Usually, they result in something good happening in my life. I won something on the lottery, that would be amazing. If I hit that new personal best on the driving range, that would be something to be happy about. Hell if I made the best special Effect, ever, that would even be something to make my day the best. This has all happened. I won about 60 dollars on a scratch off, I keep beating my personal best on  the driving range, I even find a way to keep amazing myself with special effects. My days are mostly good. I come home to a cool house, I slip into my flash pjs and I relax.
I have been watching the old school slasher movies. Halloween was the first franchise that we started with. Michael Myers has a way to keep me on the edge of my seat. He is so sneaky and always finds a way to his victim, he also is the most realistic, which means that anyone could become him…..We finished the franchise the other day, I have to say that my time was well spent. I will be ranking them, early next week, so stay tuned!!!! Anyway, I am saying this to show that my life is a happy life, I have a blast most of the time, but life is still hard.
For the bad days, I try to do a couple things. First, I will try to look at the positive. The next thing is to take a long shower, and the last thing is to drink. Looking at the positive is the hardest, because the problem doesn’t go away, you just find something good to replace it. This is the healthiest way to get over pain, but don’t expect this to be easy. Second, I always find that taking a hot shower is a great way to get over pain. The fact that a hot shower relaxes muscles could be the reason it works so well, either way, it works!!! Then there is the bottle its self! I am drinking right now. My day wasn’t that bad, but I did find out some heart wrenching news that killed me inside. I already had the alcohol, so I just started drinking. I mixed it in a 64-ounce cup and started drinking. I am almost done with it and feel a lot better. I think the pain will be back tomorrow morning, but for now, I am good!!!!!! I feel great!!!
Alcohol is great

Impromtdude @ Facebook.com/impromtdude

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Before we start tonight, I want to spend a few minutes and say thank you. John, thank you for caring about me. You texted me last night and told me how awesome I was. Thank you for sharing about your day, sorry that your day wasn’t that great. You deserve the best. You deserve to be happy and have amazing days. I am glad to hear that you wait for my posts, you have helped me decide that I want to continue writing. Thank you! You rock, I love you!

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She is gone.
When my mother left, it hurt me more than I knew. She walked out the door and walked out into the night air. She was gone and I was without a mother. I was without someone that I trusted my life with, she was gone. She didn’t care that I was hurting, she had things to do and I wasn’t a part of her plans. It took many years for me to find a way to cope with her absence, but this type of coping may have led me through more walls than doors. The way that I have coped with her being gone is being a comical jerk, someone that has to make jokes to hide that he is actually hurt.
In high school, I use to make fun of my mother, and I would laugh along with all of my friends. They didn’t know that I was actually broken, but I never wanted them to know that. It was a sign of weakness to show that I was vulnerable, so I put up all of these walls to make sure no one saw that I was hurt. I hid behind my humor and everyone fell for it. This was great! I was able to convince myself that I was okay with not having my mother. This was great until it began to be a bigger part of me. I began to joke about everything, until nothing was serious to me. This did change when I started to go to church. Church was the only time that I would actually let my emotions flow. Talking to God was the best feeling. Even if he didn’t say anything to me, I knew (in my heart) that he was listening to me. I was able to finally cry without being afraid of someone laughing at me.
I use to cry a lot at church. I would lay on my face and just bawl. Sometimes, I didn’t even know why I was crying, but it felt so good, so I never questioned it. There was a service about mothers, and I remember sinking into my seat and bawling. I cried the whole sermon and more. I was called to the front to talk to the pastors after the sermon and they hugged me. I don’t know why, but it actually felt like my mother was hugging me. Great, things are good now, right? I was able to get back to feeling, I was able to cry again, I was no longer scared to let my emotions out, correct? Yeah, NO! It lasted for a while, but nothing stayed that good for long.
I did say that it lasted for a while, right? I was able to let my emotions out for a good amount of time, but then something happened. I was no longer able to feel. My emotions were shut off and I couldn’t feel inside my heart. I was becoming cold and angry, again. Church just wasn’t the same, anymore. I was drifting away from God and I didn’t know what I was doing wrong. I thought going to church more would help. The more that I went, though, the more that I felt the pain grow. Even if the sermon was the most touching, I was unable to go to that place, the place where my emotions could be freed. I needed serious help, my walls were being built again, the same walls my mother forced me to build years before. This is when I began to push people away.
I was able to find my emotions, again. They were found in a girl. This girl was standing twenty feet from me, my heart felt alive again. The next couple months were the best in my life. She taught me what it felt like to care. She taught me why it’s okay to let my emotions out. I was told that emotions were never meant to stay within, because they are meant to be carried by two, not by one. This shook me as I opened up, something that I should have never done. She broke my heart a month later. She allowed her sister to dictate who she was allowed to talk to. Again, the wall went up. This time, it stayed.
I moved away the next summer. I was chasing something, a feeling that I once felt. There was a Church that I thought would help me, but it came to pass. When I got there, it wasn’t the same. This is when I realized that my walk with Christ was no longer the same. I tried to get back to the way that I use to feel, but nothing would work. I only stayed a semester, then moved back home.
Nothing was the same when I got back, though. People moved on and plans changed. It was like I was in a whole new place, with people that I didn’t know. I guess I was hurt that no one seemed to care that I was back. They were okay without me. I told myself that it was a lie, but I never could seem to convince myself. This is when I met my wife, Ariel. She gave me happiness, but something was still missing. The piece that will always be missing. When my mother left, she took something from me that I didn’t know. She took my emotions. I haven’t felt truly sad about something in over 5 years. I stopped caring when I got back from college, when I saw that everyone moved on, When I realized that everyone moved on like my mother. I try to find a way to break down this wall, but the tools are not strong enough. They are broke under the pressure of all my DAMN baggage, I feel like I will never be okay. I miss her! I wish that I could have a heart to heart conversation with my mother. I want to ask her what she was thinking, why she left us, why couldn’t she just be a GODDAMN GOOD PARENT!! But I will never know. She will always have an excuse, I just wish I meant more to her, meant enough for her to drop her act and tell me why she left me. She left too soon.

Dear Mom,
I sit here, waiting for you to walk in those doors. I waited for you to come back for years, but you never came back. You had better things to do, but we weren’t it, were we? Why did you leave me, why did you leave me with these questions? I deserve these answers, dammit! I have giving you the power for so many years, hoping that you would just tell me why I wasn’t good enough!!!!! I want the power back, but you forced these walls up and I cant break them down. I want to take the wall down, but I cant without knowing how you could leave me as a child. How could you leave me at Ten and never even check up on me. I spent years trying to find you, but when I found you, you were full of excuses. You hurt me more than anything. But my biggest question is; why is it that you hurt me so much, but I still want you to hug me and tell me that you love me. Mom, I wish you were better. I wish you weren’t gone. 
Sincerely yours,
A BROKEN CHILD.

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Impromtdude @ Facebook.com/impromtdude

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It is 2 a.m. as I sit at my desk. Ariel is sleeping behind me and she looks so peaceful. I like the fact that she is finally sleeping, after a week of fighting for a drop of sleep. I’m glad that she finally is getting the rest that she deserves. But this isn’t about Ariel, though I think it would be easier to talk about her. It would be much easier to tell you about the things going on in her life, that she is working insane hours, that she has family drama (yet she is doing okay), that she has hit her labor goal for like the 1000th week, in a row. She is a fantastic manager and deserves to make a lot more than she does now. It is much easier to tell you guys that she has been enjoying the Halloween franchise, yet hates Rob Zombies’ remake, but everyone hated that crap reboot. But I can’t spend this whole post talking about how she is doing, that’s not what this is about. This is my goodbye….well I think it is,
December was a cold month and it barely snowed. It wasn’t cold because of the weather, the coldness came from my heart. The coldness was for writing. I had everything on the inside froze, my flame for writing was blown out. I lost my passion to do anything with my writing career, so I closed my tablet and put it on the shelf. I lost something in December, something that I sstill haven’t gotten back.
I stopped writing in December and almost deactivated my blog. I didn’t want to post to Impromtdude, anymore. I said that it wasn’t worth the pain that it was bringing me. I was tired of always trying to get noticed just to get knocked down and kicked in the process. I figured I wasn’t good enough for the writing world. I read other writers work and I felt like I was far from their talent, like practice wouldn’t help. I figured I wasn’t good enough to get the gift of writing. I got jealous of my writing friends as they sold their books, where my book is still in the outlining process. The book is in the outline process, because I still didn’t think the book was good enough to start. I felt like I was taking someone’s idea and trying to make it my own. This got worse when I started losing ideas for this blog. I couldn’t come up with things to say to you guys. I lost all motivation and the weight of the world came down on my shoulders and I quit. I quit because I didn’t want to keep saying the same things, because writers don’t do that, we find something else to say, but I kept saying the same thing. I was about three years in, without missing a day of writing. Then I got busy one night and couldn’t write. It became it easier to not post and eventually I stopped writing. That was 6-months ago. Fast forward to Today, I still don’t want to write, but I want to get things off my chest.
Writing has always been a therapy for me. It is where I go when I don’t have anything to live for. It has been my best friend when I was in the roughest part in my life. It has held my hand as I saw my closest friends leave my side. It has listened to countless stories about Emilee, my mother and multiple other heartbreaks that I have endured. It has helped me get back to a good peace of mind. The thing that I love the most is that it has helped me write so many helpful articles. I got a message the other night from someone that found my blog on the internet. She read the blog where I compared real love to first loves. She said that she just got out of a relationship and that she doesn’t believe that true love is out there. I was grateful to talk to her about finding Ariel after Emilee and I told her about the pain that I was feeling while trying to find Ariel. I concluded with saying that True love is always out there, you just have to keep your mind open and ready your heart for something magical. Though, she didn’t reply, I know that it helped her. When she reached out to me about something I wrote, my heart truly melted. I didn’t know that my stuff was actually helping people. This is why I write. I want to help people that are going through things that I have already went through. I just don’t know if I can still do it.
There are so many writers out there that write the same thing as I do, so even I if didn’t post, that person could still get the same message. I could not exist, as a writer, and the earth would still rotate. I guess I just don’t feel special. I don’t feel like I bring anything good to the table. I just want to be proven wrong. I want someone to notice my work. I don’t want to say this is it, but I don’t know what else I can do.

Impromtdude @ Facebook.com/impromtdude