My head

Posted: August 5, 2016 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

I am the best.

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We are all going to go through rough times, that’s life. We are all going to battle things, some things that we might keep deep in our closet, also somethings that we can’t battle alone. You have to be the definer of that, though, no one else can decide for you. If you don’t feel that you can win the battle, then it is time to reach out for someone and try to get help. What battles do you classify as “Unwinnable?” some people may ask you this. For me this would be anything that you haven’t battled in the past, but like I said, you are the only one that can decide that. But at the same time, you should never go into any battle alone.
I have been dealing with a lot lately. This is the post that I will come out and open up. I have never been good at opening up to anyone. I have always been scared of losing people because of my problems, so I would usually keep it to myself, put on a smile and hope that I don’t lose the battle. I usually pushed the people away, distancing myself from everything, then I would go into the war alone. At first I would fire all my guns at the enemy, but what happens when I lost my weapon or I ran out of ammo? This was in the moments of me getting tired. I would lower my arms from holding the gun and would try to rest. But if you know anything about war then you would know, that is when the enemy will strike. They wont wait until you are rest, that would be crazy. If they would do that, then there wouldn’t be an advantage. I could go awhile on my one tank of gas “emotion,” but that would eventually run out. This was the time in my life that the enemy would hit me. The enemy would use my doubts as their ammo. They would hit me hard, breaking every wall had built up down. They knew what my weaknesses were and they would use it against me, all the time. After they beat me down and took my barrier, they would stand over me and kick my lungs in. These are the moments that suicide became my only option, yet something always was there to save me. This could be someone reaching out, a random act of kindness or God giving me hope, whatever the situation, I always found a way out.
These were the past battles. They would come in waves. It would always hit me in the worse times, usually when I was tired or emotionally weak, usually after losing something close to me. But they always ended. It would last for about two weeks, I would get all down, then it would end. But for some reason the pain doesn’t go away anymore. Back in the day the pain would come and go, there were times it would stay a lot longer, but it always went away. These days, not so much, the thoughts and doubts cloud my mind and makes it hard for me function at times. I have tried to reach out and get some help, but its like the pain will cease for a short-bit, but then will come back stronger. Sadly, I have to say that I am going through another wave, right now.
I was talking to my cousin, at work, today. We were talking about what is on our mind. I know that during work isnt the best time to talk about emotions, but I needed to vent. That is when I dug deep inside and told him how my mind works. I realized something about myself today, I stress about everything. The way my brain works is; I will get tired, I will see more bills, I will start to think of everything going bad (Car issues to eyesight), I will think of ways to get that fixed, I will stress about my job, I will hate myself for working at McDonald’s, I wont think I’m a good worker which makes me fear that I am a failure, I will doubt that I’m a good husband, I think of my dreams and doubt my future as a writer, I will get discouraged and lose my passion, then I will get down and will start to push everyone away.
This is a rough description of how I feel. I know that everyone is dealing with their own problems, and I know that I shouldn’t be bringing my hurt to page, but I want everyone to know that you aren’t alone. There has to be someone out there that feels your pain. I want to say all this, just to tell you to not give up. There is a world out there, at times it will be scary, but nothing in life will be clear as day. You will doubt everything in life. You just have to have faith in the things you want. If you feel like you are losing ground, it is best that you get someone that has beat the battle you’re facing. These people are your best chance at survival. My biggest problem is I feel everyone has better things to do, other than help me, but that isn’t always true. God sends us people to help us out, we just have to be smart to know who is who.  

Impromtdude @ Facebook.com/impromtdude

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