Counting the days.

Posted: May 29, 2016 in Uncategorized
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When I first found out, I was nervous. I was nearly 20, and was just starting my life when I found out she was pregnant. She was a beautiful blonde hair girl, she had a shining smile, a soft voice and held herself very high. No one was going to take this girl down, no one with a boulder or with a chainsaw, she was unbeatable. This is the time of my life that I don’t want to give up, these are qualities that keep me searching for answers to the questions “Why did it happen?” and “Will I ever be happy again?” These questions will never be answered, because no one knows why, and she was the only happiness that I had. She is gone now, she isnt coming back, ever, but why do I blame myself?
I fight with myself every night, trying to force myself to believe the lies, that she was sick, and that she didn’t have that long to live. It is hard to give into those thoughts, especially when she felt so alive. She was always full of so much energy, but in a months time, all that energy was gone. She was rotting away, and here I was sitting around thinking she was going to be fine. I truly thought that she was going to fight back and win, but the longer the fight lasted, the quicker her strength failed her. It wasn’t long after the doctors announcement that she was found dead, on the kitchen floor.
I had to be the one to find her, I had to be the first to grab her cold body. The pain that came with seeing her was breathtaking. I tried to revive her,  I really did, but she was gone. The saddest thing is that I couldn’t even call an ambulance. I was frozen to her, I was stuck to the lifeless body. I tried to let go, but something kept ahold of me. I couldn’t let go, I felt like giving up on holding her, was equivalent to giving up on us. I wasn’t going to give up on her, so why would I let go?
It finally came to me, she was gone. I had to let go, she was no longer with us. I couldn’t hold onto something that wasn’t here, I couldn’t do that to me, but also, if she was being held back because of me, I didn’t want to do that. She deserved to go to her special place, with all the pain on earth, how could I deny her peace? I couldn’t, and I didn’t. I let her go, I finally let her go. The cancer came in between us, the damn cancer came between us. I still sit here, in this wooden chair, waiting for her to come outside with a glass of sweet lemonade, but pain consumes me, when I realize she’s not coming out. The days aren’t the same anymore, she lays in the cemetery on the other side of town.
She was my Becky, she was the first love that I had, the only one that I have loved. She was taking from me too soon, but recently I have been thinking, what if I met up with her? What if she is still waiting for me at the door, I can’t keep her waiting. I have the solution.
With loneliness in his heart, George couldn’t live this life anymore. The counseling wasn’t working, he was seeing Becky in his mirrors, in the shower, and in his bed. The image of his wife was now a haunting memory, one that he no longer wanted to have. His obituary read this “I didn’t want to leave, but cancer can’t stand between us now.”


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