I won that Oscar, Sorry Leo!

Posted: March 1, 2016 in Uncategorized
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I want to start this blog by saying, Congratulations to Leonardo DiCaprio. Last night he won his first Academy award, when he clinched a Oscar for ‘best actor’ after he superb performance in ‘The Revenant.’ Though I have failed to watch the movie, I still think Leo deserves it and for that I congratulate that man, for his accomplishment, one that he has been fighting for, over 15 years. But lets take the light from him, and say that I won that award. What kind of movie could beat climbing in a dead horse? What would beat Leos speech? Lets take a gander.

I am sitting in the third row, knowing that tonight is the night. This was my time, I worked harder than anyone else out there, in order to get to this point. Finally, I was giving a movie that could beat the other competitors though, without the great writing, I wouldn’t be here tonight.

‘The movie was a comedy that left me out on the sea, getting attacked by sea serpents, that want the taste of male genitals. The jump into the boat, and want to get fresh with no one other than my character. They chase me around the boat, there was even a scene that they chased me into the water. I wasn’t granted with the ability to swim, though, so while in the deep blue, I was also drowing. This is when a pirate came along, offering me a hand. I gladly said yes, and jumped into his boat. I was followed by the serpents that was once clinched to my waist.

The pirate saw enough, and forced me off of his boat, back onto my other boat. This is when a whale swallowed me whole. I felt like I was in the bible, that I was some Jonah-looking-man. The whale also swallowed the serpents. They found me quickly and began to chase me. I knew the only way to finish this, was to go out the intestine. I knew that would mean dying, but I didn’t want my last days on this earth to be without my “manhood.” I figured my plan was solid, but then the process began, and nothing was killing me. It was like something wanted me to live. Each time I tried to pierce myself with a digested bone, one of the serpents would jump in front of it. Each one fell to the soft flesh, and rolled away.

Then it came to me, maybe I could try to get these things to kill themselves. I spent the next few days, avoiding the digestive system, and each time the serpents got close, I found away to attempt suicide, leaving them dead in the path. At the end, I was safe, but tired. I fell to the ground, a victor, but I fell asleep. I woke up three days later, with what seemed to be whale poo. But then as I looked down, my dilly-willy was gone. Next to my body was one of those serpents, in his mouth he had the remains of my “manhood.” All that left my body, was a slow moan.’

I won! Oh-my-god. I went through the insides of a whale to get here. I deserve this, I am the best in the world, take that Leo. It didn’t take me, 20 years to get here. Now it is time for my speech:

“Ladies and Gentleman, thank you for attending tonight’s packed show. I thank you all for the opportunity to stand in the light with all the greats, that won before me. I stand in awe of the fame that has gone before me, but also in the humbleness of those who didn’t win. I wish all of the actors could have been giving this same trophy. But sadly it was received by one man, me. It took a lot of work to edit the film, but to also act in the film. I spends years, perfecting the acting that was shown in ‘The whales tooshie’ I want to thank you all again, and hope that all of you enjoyed the film. I stand in front of you with tears in my eyes, because without you, I wouldn’t be up here. So thank you, and have a great night.” 

I exited the stage, and walked to my family. The same that stand next to me through everything. I took a few pictures, but I have to leave now. I got a call, and I have to go film the sequel.

Impromtdude @ Facebook.com/impromtdude

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