The goodestbye ever.

Posted: August 27, 2015 in Uncategorized

This is one of those hard post that I know will make some people wonder and others think. This is also one of those post that I have been avoiding since I started this challenge of writing for 642 days in a row. But in order for me to complete this challenge, this post would eventually have to happen. This is my final goodbye to someone that at one time I felt very strong for. This post will contain some confessions and some deep dark secrets that most people didn’t know. It will contain the beginning out the friendship until the last night that we talked.
I remember that this story was the reason that I started my first blog. I posted over thirty post about this one girl, and how she meant so much to me but at the end it wasn’t enough. Her name is Emilee, and she was my first love. We met at a Christian youth night in Springfield, Illinois. At first I pushed her away with my rude attitude, but after the powerful night in Christ, I found her and talked to her. We clicked, this was mainly because of her heart for God. I would expect that was the reason since I didn’t even know her name.
Lets fast foward to save the boredom. I had fallen head-over-heels for this young girl that was about to turn 18. She was a very polite girl that had a bright future, something that I wanted the most. She challenged me to get myself better for the future. This included applying to the same college in order for both of us to stay together when we got away from this small town. We never talked more than about our futures apart, but had a plan on how to get together after we turned 18. This was a plan that I was ready for, I knew that God had some great plans for me no matter what, but my heart told me that it would be even more awesome with her.
When things began to get serious, she invited her sister to come visit. This meant that I was going to have to meet her, which scared the hell out of me. She based her whole future on her sisters opinions, which ensured that if she didn’t like me then that was the end. I thought that it went good when I met with her sister at church, but it didn’t go as I planned. She didn’t think that the way I felt about my religious beliefs was going to work out in the future, meaning that she didn’t feel that her sister should grow with someone that believed the way I did. So she told me that it was never going to work, this was okay since I had never fully thought of us together in the future, I was okay with being friends.
I knew the week after the confirtation that this was never going to be the same. I knew that my friendship with her was ruined. I had reached a part of depression that had all of my friends fearing, this included me staring at a wall for hours fearing how I would be going to the same college as her, and taking the same classes. Then thinking about the fact that I would have to go to the same church as her, also. With everything going through my mind, I nearly failed my senior year due to this heartbreak. With my grades dropping, I pushed everything and everyone away. This was my attempt to save myself from failing, but it didn’t work fully. That was until I started to blog. I blogged every Tuesday about her. The first post was titled “The problem with getting over it.” This was attacking those who said to get over her and move on, in which I asked “How?” How can I get over someone that meant everything to me. After that post, I got the call from CBC (college) saying that I was accepted, and that they were going to give me a full-ride scholoraship. I accepted the scolorship at first, but then declined months later. She was also accepted, which meant that my fears would have come true. I avoided that comfirtation again, by signing with my third-string school in Missouri.
With no money coming in, I had to move back home weeks after I moved there. So with a fresh head and heart for God, I thought that I could take it slower with her and win her heart along with her families. This would be done by focusing more on God and less on her. But that wasn’t working. I would spend parts of the sermons at church searching the building with my eyes for her. I started to fall back into the same depression as I was losing her attention again, then the worse happened. My best friend moved to Texas and my Dad found out that he had cancer. I broke fully when this all came crushing down, and where in the past she was there, this time she wasn’t. I was hurt and tried to control the hurt by myself, pushing everyone away again. This didn’t have the same affect as it did before, this time I turned to God and begged for him to change the situation. I thought that with this, I would get over her. But that isn’t quite the story that I get to tell.
I would love to close this out with saying that after my dad got better, that I moved on and never thought about her again. This is partially true, I got a wife which I love so much. She has made me feel better than Emilee ever did, but with any first love, you will have the weak times where you will think of them. This is where I have to confess that I have found myself checking her Facebook. Not in order for me to see her or to keep the feelings strong, but in order for me to feel that the one person that use to understand me fully, is still doing okay. I have only looked at her page less then ten times, but with each time, it hurts me more. I just can’t control myself. But starting tonight, this will change. This is my final goodbye. So here we go.
Dear Emilee.
Thank you for all that you have taught me about growing in myself. With your help, I have been able to live a better life, if it weren’t for you then I would have never met my wife. Thank you. I am not sure what happened between us. I want to let you know that you were the only person I had ever opened to at that point in my life, but I am glad that it ended the way that it did. I wish you the best in life, and I hope that one day, you will find true happiness.
Goodbye Emilee.

Impromtdude @ Facebook.com/impromtdude

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