Will You Change?

Posted: May 2, 2015 in Uncategorized
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When someone is growing up, they will decide to do some things that others might not agree with. Lately I have been doing a lot of that. The same passions that I use to have no longer bring the same exciting feeling. With my life turning out like this, I have noticed that two things have happened; I have more of a hard time letting people in, and depression is hurting more than ever.
My life took a great leap away from normal two years ago, when I got with my wife. I thought that everyone would just adjust to my new interest, but soon I noticed that my friends started to disapprove of how I was living. They wanted me to change, but if you know anything about me you should know that; I HATE following people. So I chose to let the people that wanted to leave, well leave and they did. At first I told myself that it was for the best, but then everyone I looked up to started to fade also. It was hard to imagine that I would have no one to turn to for guidance anymore, an though I wanted to keep them in my life, I knew that would mean I would have to leave my wife, and that wasn’t something I was whiling to do.
Now two years away from that day, I still struggle to keep people in my life, with the more people that leave my side, I get more depressed. As if work isn’t stressful enough, adding the fact I cant talk to a friend about my thoughts really hurts me more. Though my wife is here, Chris Clark said it best “You need your best friend, and your wife. Having one over the other wont work.” A wife is suppose to tell you that you are doing great, so when she says that I just feel she is being a good wife.
I will be fully honest, I have become so use to throwing up walls and barriers to keep people happy, and though I have put up a tough exterior for so long, I want to spend this post to tell you that I might seem okay, but I’M NOT OKAY!
I hate the feeling that anywhere that I go, I have to fight for their love and their attention. I hate the fact that I almost gave up on making four new friends at this class I was forced to go to. I hate the fact that they were so caring, but in the moments of our laughs. I fear they were going to leave me at the end. I hate the fact that I have to admit that I need someone to save me, and I’m not talking about God.
I use to be a christian, when I say christian, I mean the type that would turn a conversation about food into a conversation about God. I have laid on the alter for hours bawling my eyes out to God, to go home and still feel the same way. Now I do believe there is a God, but as of right now, I just cant accept him again. I need time to figure things out. When I say that I need to get saved, I am talking about one person actually putting up with my crap, and accepting me. Someone to be my best friend. Someone that I can relate to.
I told you guys that this post would be heart-felt and like no other post. I hope that you guys will take this post into consideration. I am in no way trying to guilt you into being my friend. I am more trying to open your eyes to how you treat the people around you. If you treat one person the way I have described then the chances of you doing it multiple times is very likely.

I want to spend a very few seconds to thank a few people:
My dad- Thank you for being my biggest fan, without you I don’t think I would be here!
Ariel- I love you so much. I know that recently we may have hit some walls but I promise that I will get better and that this depression will end. I don’t want to think about a day without you!
Chad chad Chad- My best buddies, I want to tell you guys that the time that we spend together was to short. I was at work today wishing that I was back in that classroom. I thank you guys for taking the needed time to get to know me, and always remember that I’m here. I will see you guys at the reunion!

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Comments
  1. mrsblackmon says:

    Depression sucks and friends suck too (sometimes). Once I had kids, I went from have a bunch of close friends, to having two friends. I try to convince myself that I stay at home all the time because I hate people, but that is entirely false. I absolutely love people and their uniqueness. But telling myself I hate people temporarily eases the aching in my gut telling me that I am lonely (aside from having my husband and children). Thank you for sharing this part of you. Depression is a monster that is hard to slay. But I believe in me and I believe in you!

    • impromtdude says:

      I know the feeling. I want to go out and hang with people but I always feel so out of place. Like the only reason they want to be around me is because I begged them. I didn’t realize how much I miss friends until my 3 day class where I met 4 amazing people…I just needed that alot

      • mrsblackmon says:

        It sounds as if you also need to find yourself as I do. I know myself pretty well, but I still feel like a part of me is missing… is it my friends I miss? Is it my simplistic highschool years that I miss? I cant tell right now, but I am starting with soul searching. I am here if ever you need to vent or find a common ground with an unbiased person. (And your post did not guilt me into saying that! I truly care about human beings and I am like BFFs with anxiety and depression, so I can relate to you!!!)

      • impromtdude says:

        I really think that is what I am trying to do. I am trying to find myself because for the last two years I have let go of myself because I felt if the people didn’t want to be my friend then why should I be my 9wn friend. But I think it is important to keep in touch…you can always add me on Facebook search for gregory blake jenkins.

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